Magic, Motherf*cker

Cine Review: YOUR HIGHNESS
15 – 102mins – 2011
Written by: Danny McBride and Ben Best
Directed by: David Gordon Green
Starring: Danny McBride, James Franco, Rasmus Hardiker, Natalie Portman, Toby Jones, Justin Theroux, Zooey Deschanel, Charles Dance
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Good-for-nothing royal waster Prince Thadeous (Danny McBride) half-arsedly agrees to accompany his valiant brother Fabious (James 127 Hours Franco) on a noble quest to rescue the latter’s bride-to-be, Belladonna (Zooey (500) Days of Summer Deschanel), from the clutches of evil sorcerer Leezar (Justin Theroux) before the two moons meet in this pseudo-medieval fantasy-come-puerile comedy from the director of the tiresome waste of film Pineapple Express.

Why then, you might enquire, did I endeavour to see Your Highness? After all, Eastbound & Down star Danny McBride is hardly renowned for his high brow sensibilities. But then I wasn’t expecting Camelot or Excalibur, yet still I held out hope. Hope that co-writer’s McBride and Ben Best’s adoration of the fantasy genre would lead to an inspired and tasteful – albeit tongue-in-cheek – romp rather than a lazy spoof from the insipid Vampire’s Suck stable. And just look at the talent involved: Portman, Franco, Jones, Deschanel, Dance – what could *possibly* go wrong?

Well the issue certainly isn’t with the cast; they’re all game for a laugh (impish Toby Jones even strips naked to reveal a worrying lack of genitalia), and the homage to retro "swords and sorcery" adventures makes for a remarkably rousing quest as the Prince’s encounter fantastical creatures, traitorous kinsmen, a village of murderous savages and a lithe female warrior (Natalie Black Swan Portman) on a mission of her own. It’s winding without being tortuous and the plot holds up well against legitimate genre staples. The problem, unsurprisingly, lies in the writer’s juvenile glee in profanity, drug use, nudity, cock jokes and excessive gore.

The juxtaposition between family friendly fantasy fare and offensive vulgarities is initially quite humorous; the word “fuck” comes up a lot, as do frequent references to boobs, weed and blow jobs. Trust me; you’ll titter against your better judgement, particularly at Thadeous’s scrawny and put-upon dogsbody, Courtney (Rasmus Lead Balloon Hardiker), who surely knows his master’s ineptitude, yet remains ever-loyal.

But when the CGI is as first rate, the cast as glitzy, the score as epic, the locales as majestic and the sorcery as mind-blowing as on display in Your Highness, you soon start to question the awkwardness of this disjointed union: when it is eluded that a Jim Henson-alike puppet molested Fabious as a child, you’ll feel increasingly uneasy and long for the heroically innocent mythological escapades of yesteryear where the damsel in distress isn’t under threat of being raped and impregnated with a dragon's seed.


In a CR@B Shell: By toning back the crudeness, Your Highness *could* actually have been a remarkably entertaining retro feel-good romp, but McBride is more interested in sleazy immaturity, leading to a schizophrenic film which looks grand but acts goofy and demonstrates not an iota of moderation.
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Manic Teeth Feasters

DVD Review: PIRANHA 3D
18 – 88mins – 2010
Written by: Pete Goldfinger, Josh Stolberg
Based on the film Piranha (1978), written by: Richard Robinson and John Sayles
Directed by: Alexandre Aja
Starring: Steven R. McQueen, Jerry O'Connell, Jessica Szohr, Kelly Brook, Riley Steele, Elisabeth Shue, Adam Scott, Ving Rhames, Ricardo Chavira, Christopher Lloyd, Eli Roth and Richard Dreyfuss
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Spring break, the notorious US tradition where thousands of supposedly learned students descend upon sunny beach communities to wreak havoc for a week of unopposed study-free partying. This year, however, in Lake Victoria, the fun-loving local “sand rats” have some company. These mouthy little party-crashers are from a very different school indeed, although they are also hungry for flesh, and any co-ed taking a dip in the crystal blue lagoon will get nibbles thrown in free of charge.

A minor earthquake in the Arizona region has caused a cavernous rift to unleash a once-thought-extinct breed of deadly piranha into the water. "Thousands of them. And they're pissed," so diver Novak (Adam Scott) helpfully clarifies, having just hauled out the lifeless skeleton of one of their meals. Jaws ain't got nothing on these diminutive little blighters, who have survived in isolation for two thousand years by eating their own kind. Now, however, they have a craving for students, and spring break is about to get a whole lot wilder.

From the opening scene where Richard Jaws Dreyfuss is fishing on the lake whistling “Show Me The Way To Go Home”, you know Piranha 3D isn't a film which takes itself at all seriously. Likewise, anyone viewing this riotous horror-comedy should approach it in a similar vein: disconnect your brain, down a couple of brewskis and let the orgy commence!

The impressive cast just have a blast as madness descends – appendages get bitten off in seconds, eyeballs (and other organs) float towards the screen and boat motors make remarkably good fish deterrents. It's great to see Christopher Lloyd back to his madcap best as the panicky piscine expert, while Kelly Brook is remarkably game for everything the director requires. But special note must go to Jerry Sliders O'Connell as slimeball porn director Derrick Jones – he really didn't hold back in portraying an absolute douche with wild-eyed glee.

As the lunacy progresses, the bikini-clad babes get naked-er, the death tole gets bigger-er, the wise-cracks get stoopid-er and the destruction gets gorier and evermore inventive... er. It's brash, trash and ludicrously lowbrow, but unapologetically so. Piranha 3D certainly won't be to everyone's taste, but it knows its audience and panders to them perfectly.


In a CR@B Shell: You'll giggle, you'll cheer, you'll gawp and you'll gag, but you'll never be bored, provided you aren't expecting logic or decorum, that is.
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