Does your alarm clock still wake you up – but at random hours of the day and night?
Does your PlayStation3 still play Blu-ray discs – but with an 85% probability it will freeze mid-film?
Does your car stereo happily play CDs – but refuses to allow you to skip tracks, adjust the volume, or piss around with the bass function thingamajig?
Would you be interested in solving such infuriating niggles without any real effort, skill or expenditure?
If you answered "YES!" to any of the above questions, then fear not weary technophobe; help is at hand - quite literally!
All you will need is:
- A mildly malfunctioning – but generally still reasonably okay to use; this won't work if you dropped your iPod in a pint of Ribena, for instance – piece of electrical equipment*
- A finger, preferably an index, but any will do. Or a thumb. Maybe even a toe, if you're ultra-flexible/majorly bored
- An ingrained tightness and unwillingness to pay for something which is broken, despite having zero technical ability to fix it yourself
- A lazy yet stubborn attitude
- Patience (not the Take That single – although if it is your stereo that is malfunctioning, you could use it as a test CD. That way, if following our Money Saving Tip of the Month ™ doesn't actually work at all – highly plausible – and the CD gets stuck/scratched/snaps in the machine, you haven't lost any music of real value. Oooo, bitchy)
Then simply follow these 3 easy-to-follow steps:
1. Upon realising that your brilliant and wonderful piece of electrical equipment that you simply couldn't live without is, alas, no longer brilliant, wonderful or life-affirming, but is, in fact, comparable to a hiccuping work colleague who still just about manages to go about their office duties but irritates the hell out of the rest of the staff every 5 seconds and makes you want to squirt Tip-Ex up their nose, simply jab the buttons of said machine a few times in the hope that the problem is temporary and can easily be fixed by random prodding.
2. When the random prodding fails to solve the mechanical mishap DO NOT phone a helpline/take it back to the manufacturer/attempt to have a play about with the wiring yourself, but give up for the day & hope that administering the finger jab tomorrow will yield better results.
3. Repeat #1 and #2 daily for 3 months (this is where the patience comes in handy) but under no circumstance consider replacing the equipment with a new model. If you find the jabbing action hard to master, please consult our helpful diagram (right). If one particular finger starts to hurt, move on to the next one along, or rotate hands. Maybe draw up a schedule? One day (results may vary), after persistent jabbing of the buttons, your piece of malfunctioning electrical equipment will yield to your human superiority and expertise and decide to work again, as if nothing was ever wrong with the blighter in the first place.
HUZZAH: SUCCESS! You have saved yourself effort and money, and all you had to do was live in mild irritation for a quarter of a year – a small price to play for the smugness now overtaking your body. As the meerkats would say: “Simples!”
COMING NEXT MONTH: How to unblock a toilet using your friend's hand and a plastic bag – with not a plumber or plunger in sight!
* crabhoward.blogspot.com takes no responsibility for injuries sustained by bloggers foolish enough to follow this clearly ludicrous advice.