Kable the Criminal Slayer

DVD Review: GAMER
18 – 91mins – 2009
Written by: Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor
Directed by: Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor
Starring: Gerard Butler, Michael C. Hall, Amber Valletta, Logan Lerman, Terry Crews, Ludacris, Kyra Sedgewick, John Leguizamo, Zoe Bell, Aaron Yoo, Mimi Michaels, Milo Ventimiglia, Ramsey Moore
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Noisome, bombastic, lurid and frenetically hyperactive; Gamer is a viewing experience not dissimilar to the Wachowski brother’s vomit-inducing Speed Racer – albeit for an older (if not necessarily more mature) audience. It’s unsurprising, really, given that this “ironic” statement on our technologically-obsessed society was hatched from the restless minds of the writing/directing team behind the chaotic Crank films. But for all its intent, Gamer is just too explicit and busy to be taken seriously.

In the near future, an ultra-violent multiplayer videogame called “Slayers” created by eccentric genius Ken Castle (Dexter’s Hall) has taken the world by storm. Gamers play as soldiers battling it out in bloody conflict to the death. But what makes “Slayers” revolutionary is that the soldiers are not pixels but real people (death row inmates to be precise) who are controlled and actually killed by the actions and mistakes of the gamers playing safe in their homes.

Gerard Butler plays John “Kable” Tillman, one such condemned avatar whose success at “Slayers” has made him a global superstar. He is but three games away from being the first I-con to be granted his freedom, but when a renegade hacker group called Humanz led by Brother (Fast Five’s Ludacris) grants Kable’s controller, 17 year old console whiz Simon Silverton (Lerman), an upgrade which allows player and avatar to communicate, Kable persuades Simon to relieve him of his control and let him have his body back.

Free to roam and think independently, Kable breaks out of the deadly arena in the hope of tracking down his wife Nika (Valletta) – an avatar on a debauched Sims-like pseudo-community game called “Society” – and his daughter, in the process learning that there is more to Ken Castle’s maniacal plans for his mind-control technology than simply life-like videogames…

A dizzying amalgamation of concepts explored far more effectively in such sci-fi classics as The Matrix, Avatar, Death Race and Battle Royale, Gamer masks its triteness in an unremitting torrent of tasteless frivolity. Par exemple: a nauseatingly obese permanently shirtless male gamer called Gorge (Moore) plays – for perverse reasons all his own – as Nika, dressing her like a whore and making her spank herself and crawl on all fours in front of a player rather unsubtly called Rick Rape (Heroes’ Ventimiglia). Classy (!).

Compounding the sophistication (ahem), the agitated narrative jumps all over the place almost as rapidly as the camera swoops and spins like a kid with ADHD, so you’re constantly playing catch-up and questioning where you are, whose mind you’re in and whether what you’re seeing is reality, game play, flashback or video feed. One thing is for certain, though: Gamer is embarrassing lowbrow twaddle which quickly grows tiresome – and Neveldine and Taylor can’t control your reaction.


In a CR@B Shell: Disordered, frenzied and unsubtle to the point of vulgarity, Gamer is an exasperating mishmash of quality (if hackneyed) genre concepts lost beneath a visual assault of gaudy, offensive, multi-coloured madness. Gamer over.
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War on Terra

DVD Review: BATTLE FOR TERRA
PG – 76mins – 2007/2010
Story by: Aristomenis Tsirbas
Screenplay by: Evan Spiliotopoulos
Directed by: Aristomenis Tsirbas
Starring the voice talents of: Evan Rachel Wood, Luke Wilson, David Cross, Brian Cox, Chris Evans, Danny Glover, Amanda Peet, Justin Long, Dennis Quaid
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Taking nothing away from the mind-blowing aesthetic splendour of James Cameron’s envi-fi epic, it’s not exactly blasphemous to acknowledge that Avatar’s allegorical plot was hardly original. Dances with Na’vi’s and Ferngully in Space are two predictable but appropriate analogies, but perhaps the closest comparison is to this animated extravaganza of Russian origin from director Aristomenis Tsirbas, which actually first premiered some three years before the long-awaited trip to Pandora launched into cinemas.

Unfairly – but unsurprisingly – eclipsed at the box office by its long-awaited and over-hyped cinematic blood brother, Battle for Terra manages to condense its invaders-versus-natives into a much bum-friendlier runtime. Humanity is once again the bad guy – wishing to occupy a lush alien world after the destruction of Earth in a civil war between terraformed colonies – with a sole dissenting voice (human pilot Jim Stanton, voiced by Luke Wilson) siding with the passive under siege Terrian’s.

Released theatrically in 3D – but only available on a vanilla DVD with less-than-stellar 2.0 soundtrack; a clear sign of an underperforming rush-release – the extraterrestrial landscapes are gorgeously and vividly presented, it’s just a shame that the animation is let down by caricatured human’s and an alien race which look like bug-eyed floating sperms (well someone had to say it).

However, the same cannot be said for the beyond impressive roster of A-list stars lending their voices to the project: Evan Rachel Wood, Luke Wilson, David Cross, Brian Cox, Chris Evans, Danny Glover, Amanda Peet, Justin Long and Dennis Quaid all must have seen something in the script which appealed to their artistic integrity, because I can’t imagine their paycheques were that influentially spectacular.

Being a huge fan of sci-fi ‘toon Titan A.E. (it’s a guilty pleasure, okay?), I was interested to see this recent addition to the rather specific sub-genre, but aside from the futuristic locale, the two films have very little in common. The decade-old Joss Whedon-scripted adventure (also a staggeringly poor performer in cinemas; it actually bankrupted the studio who made it) is an action-packed thrill ride; bright and fun and as easy on the brain as it is on the eyes.

What marks Battle for Terra out as different from the pack of CGI features is also perhaps the reason for its own financial failure: exaggerated character design aside, it isn’t a fun-filled laugh fest, but a very sombre and thoughtful anti-war dissertation on unity and compassion for life regardless of race, colour or creed. Even Arrested Development’s David Cross – as robotic duct between the warring factions, Giddy – isn’t the bumbling R2-D2-alike comic relief you may expect but a more logical diminutive companion.

That’s not to say there aren’t plenty of spaceship chases, explosions and action sequences in Terra, only that they clearly weren’t the driving force behind the enlightening story. Children and adults alike will find many diverse reasons to like this vibrant eco-friendly metaphor, but you may find that when the credits roll you’re more content with its charm than exhilarated by its booms and bangs, while the more sensitive little ‘uns may be quite emotional at the rather adult anti-Disney conclusion to Jim’s personal journey.


In a CR@B Shell: It must be tricky to market an animated science fiction opera which is as passionate about its poignant message as it is its dazzling skirmishes amongst the stars, but this Battle is far from Terra-ble and you’re bound to be won over by the native’s plight, so long as you aren’t all Avatar-ed out already.
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Dusting off Old Friends

Cine-review: TOY STORY 3 – IN 3D
U – 103mins – 2010
Story devised by: John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton, Lee Unkrich
Screenplay written by: Michael Arndt
Directed by: Lee Unkrich
Starring the voice talents of: Tom Hanks, Tim Allen, Joan Cusack, Ned Beatty, Don Rickles, Michael Keaton, Wallace Shawn, John Ratzenberger, Estelle Harris, John Morris, Jodi Benson, Laurie Metcalf, Blake Clark, Whoopi Goldberg
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It happens to us all: The toys and games which shaped our childhood and we just couldn’t go anywhere without are more-and-more frequently disregarded and eventually relegated to the bottom of a dusty old toy box as the years pass by, our minds blossom and our tastes mature. This isn’t to say that we don’t have fond memories of our bygone treasures (I still know where all of my Jurassic Park action figures are, for instance: car boot sale be damned!), but playtime just doesn’t mean the same thing when you’re approaching adulthood.

Thankfully, the same isn’t true of films, where the on-screen magic can be revived every time you press play: a time capsule forever preserved on disc (or videotape). Admittedly we do sometimes revisit the movies which had us glued to the screens for endless viewings as we were growing up, only to find the rose-tinted spectacles have discoloured and we’re embarrassed to admit we once fervently enjoyed Muppet Treasure Island (don't judge me), but the true classics, the ones which capture our imagination, tickle our funny bones and stir an emotional connection – of which I am including Toy Story (1995) and its stellar 1999 sequel – will stand the test of time and still enthral no matter how old our mind, body or soul.

Perhaps it is this podiumisation (is that even a phrase? Well it is now) of Pixar's flagship franchise which had the 26 year old me a mite concerned that revisiting Woody (Tom Hanks), Buzz (Tim Allen), Jessie (Joan Cusack) and the gang over a decade after Toy Story 2 may tarnish the precision which preceded it: how could John Lasseter et al better perfection? Would this belated entry be an over-egged plod through stale plot lines? Would Lee Unkrich's first solo shot at directing become The Godfather: Part III of this popular pixelated trilogy? Had Toy Story reached its shelf life?

To answer these doubts as succinctly as I can: no, no and no again – no to infinity and beyond, if you will. C’mon: this is Pixar we’re talking about. Try naming even one of their films which is anything less than glorious? Even my least favourite of their commendable catalogue wasn’t a total Cars-crash, and their first threequel isn’t in any danger of diminishing their brand name.

The key to the super-studio’s eleventh feature film’s success is that Toy Story 3 has grown up with its audience, but not shed an iota of its charm along the way: like us, Andy (still voiced by original voice actor John Morris) is no longer the cowboy-obsessed youth with an overactive imagination, but a 17 year old lad on the verge of departing for college. His ever-loyal but depleting assortment of living playthings, shut away in a chest but desperate for attention, are facing the very same dilemma I set out in the opening paragraph: will they be sent to the attic to waste away with the Christmas decorations, get thrown away in the trash or be donated to another home where they will be played with once more? After all, these immortal accessories can't physically grow up – so they are plagued with apprehension over becoming obsolete and unloved.

Adult concerns, then. But fun for all ages. Toy Story 3 is still bright, uproarious family entertainment of the unparalleled quality we have come to know and expect from Pixar, but with a heart which belies the hard exterior of these plastic and vinyl characters. The result is a satisfying whole, a cornucopia or emotions which takes you on that most clichéd of cinematic tropes: a rollercoaster ride. From the adrenaline-pumped highs of a full scale Wild West fantasy (replete with Hamm-shaped spacecraft and Slinky Dog force field) to the heartbreaking lows of a rain-soaked montage revealing what made Lotso-Huggins Bear (Ned Beatty) the bitter and autocratic teddy he has become.

All of your favourite characters get their fair share of comedy highlights (Mr. Potato Head’s resourceful replacement body and Buzz’s default mode are two standout moments); no toy is left behind or overshadowed – except maybe in a fight for your affections – despite an abundance of colourful new faces added to the eclectic ensemble as Andy's mementos are mistakenly donated to Sunnyside Daycare, where “fun” awaits 5 days a week. But will self-appointed over-lord Lotso willingly let the new recruits leave this dystrophic nightmare of hyperactive toddlers, paint pots and glitter sticks? Cue a wonderfully orchestrated jailbreak sequence which is every bit as inventive and iconic as The Great Escape.

Fittingly for this Return of the King of the Toy Story trilogy, the climatic set-piece takes place in an enormous and mountainous junk yard with a giant trash-burning incinerator every bit as epic and ominous as Peter Jackson's visualisation of the lava-filled pits of Tolkien's Mount Doom . It far outclasses Toy Story 2's airport escapade, which always slightly niggled given its far-fetched nature (in a film with living toys; I know...). The moment when the gang hold hands in melancholic acceptance as they edge closer to the flames is a truly adult touch of humanity. Dark, yes, especially for the little ‘uns, but strikingly universal.

On a final note: yes, Toy Story 3 is animated in 3D, but not in a gimmicky lets-jump-on-Avatar’s-bandwagon fashion. There aren’t any marbles bursting out of a bag and flying towards the screen, for instance, but by putting on the Real-D glasses you are granted an added dimension which further brings these sentient inanimates to life and engrosses you in their intricate world filled with everyday dangers; the sandpit really feels like a mammoth trek across Sunnyside’s playground; the vending machine a daunting ascent to the heavens and the encroaching incinerator actually leaves you with a palpable sense of dread. But regardless of how many dimensions you view the film in, there is still much gorgeous detail to appreciate in every captivating frame and you are guaranteed to leave the cinema with a smile on your face, a lump in your throat, a warm glow in your belly and your batteries fully recharged.

Wait – what do you mean only toys have batteries?!


CR@B Verdict: Sublime, joyous, flawless; I could reel off a long list of glowing superlatives for Toy Story 3 and still not state strongly enough just how darn-tootin' good this film is. At the end of the day you just have to watch it for yourself. Repeatedly. With plenty of tissues.
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Recent Review Run-down

A medley of mini-monologues from a myriad of mediums. Try saying that 3 times. Hell, try saying that ONCE. You'll sound like a right knob.

CINEMA:

Avatar: James Cameron's overly-hyped return to the big screen is a stunning visual achievement. Reversing the dogma that less-is-more, the fictional world of Pandora is a luscious cornucopia of dense jungle, mountain-top vistas and stretching landscapes, brought to live with a fully-realised eco-system. Even the most ludicrous Cloverfield cast-offs mated with a rhino and dipped in neon paint look astonishing in three dimensions. It's a shame that the story is so achingly predictable and jarringly high-concept, but even this doesn't doesn't harm the overall sensory experiene once the 3D glasses are on. ****

Sherlock Holmes (2009): The former Mr Madonna reinvents Baker Street's super-sleuth as a boxing, drug-addicted eccentric in a murky and washed-out industrial-era London on the build. Which is the ideal setting for a mystery so meticulously constructed it requires scaffolding (or, at least, slow-motion replays for explanation). Fun and imaginative, if a little mired in cults and black magic (thus nothing is what it seems - cue the slo-mo gimmick), it's just a pity Mark Strong is such a bland and unimposing villian as Lord Blackwood. ***

DVD:

Dorian Gray (2009): Oscar Wilde's classic tale of excess and amorality in Victorian London gets another big screen adaptation. Yet for all of the acts of greed, sin and debauchery on show, the screen never really comes alive, with the action and scenery looking as flat as a portrait hidden in the attic. All of the actors - especially fresh-faced newcomer Ben Barnes as the naive eponymous self-destructor - are guilty of going through the motions in this slow-moving cautionary horror. Pity it's horrific for all the wrong reasons. **

The Hangover: An enjoyably zany film, if not the "comedy of 2009" it has been hyped to be. This is mainly because it has all been done before; a drink-and-drug-fuelled party (here a stag do) goes too far and it's up to the hungover guests (groom's best mates) to retrace their forgotten steps to put things right (find the groom) before time runs out (the wedding starts). Essentially, it's a cocktail of Dude, Where's My Car? mixed into a pitcher with Very Bad Things. So, Mate, Where's The Groom? or Very Confusing Things, if alternative, copyright-infringing titles were required. Which they aren't. ***

TV:

The Turn Of The Screw (2009): No, not Shakespeare's meta-comedy on courtship and marriage (that's The Taming Of The Shrew, genius!), but a BBC remake of Henry James' 1898 ghost story. Auntie Beeb have successfully managed to evoke a creepy and cagey atmosphere within the haunted country house, while the acting is first rate, especially by the two young stars playing the possessed siblings. Unfortunately - and maybe this is an issue with the source material rather than this particular adaptation - the horror builds to an entirely anti-climatic showdown with the disgruntled deceased, comprising of... a bit of shouting. The Exorcist, this ain't, although - *SPOILER ALERT* - somehow a child dies? Of what - a burst eardrum?!! ***