The Brawl of Rome

TV Review: SPARTACUS: BLOOD AND SAND – THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON
18 – 629mins – 2010
Created by: Stephen S. DeKnight
Executive Producers: Stephen S. DeKnight, Robert Tapert, Sam Raimi, Joshua Donen
Starring: Andy Whitfield, John Hannah, Lucy Lawless, Manu Bennett, Viva Bianca, Peter Mensah, Jai Courtney, Nick Tarabay, Erin Cummings, Lesley-Ann Brandt, Katrina Law, Craig Parker
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Hyper-stylised in the same green screen heavy comic book fashion as Zack Snyder’s vibrant 300, US channel Starz’s hit historical action series Spartacus: Blood and Sand is an effervescent cacophony of über violent slo-mo battles sequences, hyperbolic gore, full frontal sex scenes and the kind of language that would make even Roy “Chubby” Brown blush. To say it isn’t for the fainthearted is something of an understatement.

The torrent of graphic adult content (purportedly to portray the ancient Roman society as authentically as possible) certainly takes some getting used to; seeing amiable Scot John Hannah – a man best known for his comic roles in Four Weddings and a Funeral and The Mummy – roughly take a slave girl doggy style while he makes idle chatter with his bathing wife, Lucretia (Lucy Xena Lawless), seems a gratuitous exercise in titillating the lowest common denominator, but if you learn to look beyond the frequent vulgarities (and tune out the words “fuck”, “c*nt” and “cock”), you’ll find there’s adequate substance to counterbalance Blood and Sand’s in-your-face style.

The early episodes in this 13 episode first run see our Thracian hero (Andy Whitfield) betrayed by Roman general Gaius Claudius Glaber (Craig Parker), separated from his loving wife, Sura (Erin Cummings), and enslaved to fight for his life as a gladiator in the ludus (or training compound) of ambitious but lowly domina (master) Quintus Lentulus Batiatus (Hannah). Aside from the grief swirling beneath Spartacus’s buff macho exterior, there’s little depth to the indulgence as heads roll, men fall and claret splatters the screen in overly protracted arena showdowns. Episode 4, “The Thing in the Pit”, is a prime unapologetically visceral standout.

But as the series progresses, layers compound and development is made – so fluid it’s almost subtle – as allegiances are formed, enemies are made and plots are put into motion. The quickly-revered Spartacus befriends fellow slave fighter Varro (Jai Courtney), a man who fights to sustain his wife and child, while Capua ’s champion, the Gual, Crixus (Manu Sinbad Bennett), takes a patent disliking to the newcomer who rivals his crown. Even in the political arena it’s every man for himself, as Batiatus reveals a wickedly devious edge in his acquirement of coin and nobility, and Lucretia prevails through a difficult acquaintanceship with snotty senator’s daughter – and Glaber’s wife – Illithiya (Viva Bianca), purely for societal gain.

Life is insignificant, everyone is a bastard and loyalty is a foreign concept in this dog-eat-dog culture. But there are varying degrees of immorality, and you will find your opinions shifting as frequently as the sands. Meathead Crixus lets his elevated status go to his head and you don’t squirm when he is humbled, but he fights for honour and his secret romance with Lucretia’s servant Naevia (Lesley-Ann Brandt) proves that a heart beats beneath his six pack. Conversely, Batiatus’s bookkeeper-come-henchman, the crippled Ashur (Nick Tarabay), initially appears harmless enough, but he has a slimy and shrewd manner which saw him fall greatly in my estimations.

I found myself becoming evermore intrigued and attached to the character’s cause as the season advanced and – much like its overworked gladiators – grew ever stronger. A way to judge your enjoyment of Spartacus is to grade your level of outrage as heroes turn to villains and lives are extinguished at a disgraceful rate of knots. Episodes “Delicate Things”, “Mark of the Brotherhood”, “Whore” and “Party Favours” all left me dumb-founded at the unreservedly brave and brazen storytelling, and salivating at the prospect of more to come.

A myriad of personal themes and foiled schemes collide in spectacularly epic fashion in the season finale “Kill Them All” as a vengeful Spartacus leads Batiatus’s gladiator throng in an uprising against their insidious dominus. The relentless pace and interweaving punchlines to many of the character’s long-fated journeys highlights just how many threads this thrilling saga has deftly spun and juggled inbetween the headline-grabbing, crowd-pleasing spectacle of tits and titans. Clearly you can have your cock and eat it…


In a CR@B Shell: Flesh and death are in abundance in this testosterone-pumped swords and scandal saga. Lower your inhibitions, adjust to the primal attitude and ostentatious styling and soon you’ll discover that Blood and Sand is a powerhouse of titillating storytelling which rewards greatly for sticking with its bold, base characters. Glory awaits, brave viewer.
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The Jovial Network

TV Review: 30 ROCK – SEASON TWO
12 – 15x22mins. Approx. - 2007-2008
Created by: Tina Fey
Executive Producers:Tina Fey, Lorne Michaels, Joann Alfano, Marci Klein, David Miner, Robert Carlock
Starring: Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, Tracey Morgan, Jane Krakowski, Jack McBrayer, Lonny Ross, Scott Adsit, Judah Friedlander, Keith Powell, Katrina Bowden, Maulik Pancholy, Grizz Chapman, Kevin Brown, John Lutz, Chris Parnell
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There simply aren’t enough hours in a day to watch every television programme you enjoy – even if it is only 20-something minutes an episode. And so you find yourself with a backlog of “must watch” series’ you promise yourself you will catch up with one day, perhaps on DVD. After all, it’s so much more time efficient to speed through a bulk of say, four episodes at a time, instead of waiting a whole week for each new bitesize instalment.

Thank heavens, then, for television service BT Vision (you can mail me the cheque, guys), which offers such a vast back catalogue of programmes that you can easily – and cheaply – catch up with all the shows that got away. It certainly beats shelling out for boxsets which you may only watch once.

And so it is that I have finally revisited the second season of the Tina Fey masterminded, network-based situation comedy 30 Rock, which first made me chuckle when I caught Season One episode “Up All Night” late at night on Channel 5 some three years ago. For those that have yet to watch the show, imagine Aaron Sorkin’s brilliant-but-underrated Studio Sixty at the Sunset Strip mixed with the quirky tomfoolery of Scrubs (at its Zach Braff-starring peak, not in its heinous Med School reinvention), and you’re in the right general studio lot.

Creator Fey – who loosely based the series on her experiences working on popular variety show Saturday Night Live – takes the lead role as live sketch show TGS's head writer Liz Lemon, who must daily contend with a myriad of inflated on set egos and studio interference from network executive Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin), whilst trying to bring her vision of light entertainment to the air. Inevitably, things rarely go to plan, but it's hilarious and compulsive viewing all the same.

The offbeat sitcom’s ensemble cast really hit if off well, with most of the humour derived from their larger-than-life character clashes. Tracey Morgan plays Tracey Jordan, an extreme and demanding loose-cannon extension of himself, whilst Ally McBeal’s Jane Krakowski plays Jenna Maroney, the fame-hungry original star of the show whose nose is put out of joint by Tracey’s arrival. Special note must also be made of downtrodden page Kenneth Parcell (Jack McBrayer) whose innocent and undeterred joy at carrying out the most mundane tasks is a delight to behold.

The 15 episode sophomore season (cut from 22 because of the 2007/8 Writer’s Strike) continues in much the same light-hearted vein as the terrific first run, with the opening handful of episodes proving to be the most side-splittingly successful, as the team get back into the swing of production following the summer break and Jenna has to contend with shedding the excess weight she gained whilst continually eating pizza during a theatrical run of “Mystic Pizza: The Movie” she starred in.

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Far and away the highlight of the season for me was the David Schwimmer-starring episode “Greenzo”, which saw the former Friends star become the face of Jack’s latest eco-friendly campaign as the eponymous green-suited mascot (see pic, above), but when the star-power goes to Greenzo’s head and his planet-saving message becomes a little too preachy, it is up to Jack and Liz to nix his out-of-control ego.

Alongside David Schwimmer, Season Two sees a raft of famous faces guest-starring in the high-flying show: Jerry Seinfeld, Steve Buscemi, Carrie Fisher, Will Arnett and Matthew Broderick all plant their tongues firmly in their cheeks to take a swipe at the ridiculous industry in which they work. Unfortunately, as a result of this impressive guest cast, the pack of writers who work alongside Liz to script the fictitious TGS are all too often pushed into the background to afford the ballooning cast breathing space, with Josh Girard (Lonny Ross) in particular handed scarcely more than a couple of lines all season.

Disappointingly, I found that the comedy didn’t quite hit its mark as frequently in the latter half of the season, with episodes focusing on Liz’s hideous ex (Dean Winters) becoming a life-saving idol (“Subway Hero”), station owner Don Geiss (Rip Torn) having a stoke prior to naming his successor (“Succession”), and an unexpected pregnancy scare (“Cooter”) favouring stressy spaz-outs over snarky satire, while Tracey’s endeavour to produce a porn-themed video game (“Succession”) seemed far too implausible, even for juvenile-minded Tracey.

This is not to say that the series became less watchable – I was particularly fond of the humanizing arc which saw Jack secretly date business rival “CC” (Edie Falco) – but ultimately, 30 Rock is most successful when it leaves the drab and worrisome real-life drama to Aaron Sorkin et al and concentrates on the bright and wacky hyper-reality of working in an exaggerated industry of divas and drama queens. Combining the two contrasting styles in such a compressed space of time feels unnaturally bi-polar.


In a CR@B Shell: A second half tendency towards the serious means that 30 Rock Season Two falls just short of the frequent heights of its debut year, but at its wacky best, Liz Lemon’s adventures in TV Land still provide a bright and chucklesome antidote to all the depressing dramas which litter our screens.
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Animated Afterlife

Boxset Review: THE REAL GHOSTBUSTERS – THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON
PG – 4hours 55mins (total) – 1986/2009
Story Editor: J. Michael Straczynski
Based on the characters created by: Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis
Director: Richard Raynis
Starring the voices of: Arsenio Hall, Maurice La Marche, Lorenzo Music, Laura Summer, Frank Welker
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Finally released on Region 2 DVD last year to coincide with the live action film's 25th Anniversary (and the multi-platform video game), this double disc collection of all 13 episodes from The Real Ghostbusters's debut season is a real trip down memory lane for any child of the eighties who used to roam their house in a makeshift proton-pack, zapping all the phantoms in the furniture. Oh – just me then...?

Instantly elevated to the precipice of greatness by the use of that classic theme song by Ray Parker Jnr. (“Who You Gonna Call?” NOT 118!), these further animated adventures of the phantom-blasting foursome (and cheeky glutton Slimer) manage to stay tonally true to the horror/comedy original: a pop-tastic soundtrack (unexpected in a cartoon, but effectively employed) and a heavy helping of humour help to recreate the wit and banter of the cult classic film.

Fan favourite Peter Venkman (Lorenzo Music) – in true Bill Murray style – is the deliverer of bucket-loads of dry sarcasm, but the entire team have their fair share of witticisms, and Slimer is on hand to keep the kids chuckling with a heavy dose of food-related slapstick, much to Peter's constant irritation.

Each episode runs for under 23 minutes, but the well-constructed scripts do manage to pack a surprising amount of ghostly activity, human interest and laughs into their runtime, and there is very little repetition in the paranormal storylines, even if the writers – among them the man who would go on to create Babylon 5, J. Michael Straczynski – are occasionally guilty of falling back on a high-concept plot devise to save the day. Prepare yourself for plenty of high-tech equipment rigging to reverse the polarity of the containment unit's flow and close the interdimensional vortex to another dimensional realm – it's all utter gubbins, but pleasant enough fun.

Despite a rights issue meaning the animators were not able to recreate the exact likenesses of the film's main stars, The Real Ghostbusters still does a superb job of falling in step with the established universe. “Citizen Ghost” successfully retro-fits the continuity following the Buster's filmic battle with Gozer to explain the shedding of their beige uniforms for multicoloured replacements, the rebuilding of their fire house HQ and quite how former foe Slimer escaped the containment unit yet still hung around to wind up the team.

“Take Two” is a giant wink to the audience as the team head to Hollywood to okay a film script about their adventures. Ramis, Aykroyd and Murray – but, interestingly, not Hudson – all get a reference, while Peter openly acknowledges “He looks nothing like me!!” The episode closes on the guys watching actual footage from the 1984 film (albeit with the voices dubbed) at the film's premiere.

In these areas the cartoon is surprisingly well suited to older audiences who will appreciate the nuances and in-jokes – secretary Janine (Laura Summers) still fancies Egon (Maurice Futurama La Marche) and even the iconic Stay Puft Marshmallow Man gets a cameo in “Sandman, Dream Me A Dream” – however, it is a shame that at times the supernatural creations are so blatantly targeted at the toy market; their brightly coloured, infantile and hyperbolic styles sit awkwardly alongside the more realistic human characters. But then, this is a cartoon about ghosts, so I understand the decision to highlight the wacky over the scary, for the sake of young children.


CR@B Verdict: Despite often pandering to its target demographic, fans of the 80's live action films will find plenty to smile about in these above average animated adventures. The UK release is no match for Region 1's stupendous The Complete Collection, but at under a fiver it sure beats waiting around for the long muted second sequel.
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After It, Therefore Because of It

TV Review: THE WEST WING – THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON
15 – 22x42mins. approx. – 1999/2000
Created by: Aaron Sorkin
Executive Producers: Aaron Sorkin, Thomas Schlamme, John Wells
Starring: Rob Lowe, Bradley Whitford, Martin Sheen, Alison Janney, Richard Schiff, John Spencer, Janel Moloney, Dulé Hill, Moira Kelly
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Okay, okay, so I'm a little late to the (political) party – ten years, in fact – but while the UK was going election mad these past few months (emphasis on the mad; need I say more than “bigotgate”?), I avoided all things parliamentary and turned my attention across the pond to the fictional Democratic administration of newly-elected President Jed Bartlet (Martin Sheen), as depicted in Aaron Sorkin’s award-winning nose around the White House: The West Wing. Y’know, for topicality’s sake. And escapism… ahem.

I will openly confess that politics is not “my thang”, which is not to admit that I am ignorant of how our country is run, just that I do not feel suitably versed to form an accurate or objective opinion on so grand a matter, hence my initial reluctance to start out on this seven season, 154 episode journey detailing the inner workings of a government far larger than (little) Britain’s. Despite the high praises being sung by @ThomDownie and @StaceBannister (not to mention the armful of Emmy’s the show took home over its run), I was worried I would sit through hours of impenetrable politic-babble lost, confused and bored senseless, running for an encyclopaedia with every mention of the Federal Reserve or the Bill of Rights!! But when Play.com offered the entire 44-disc collection for a bargainous £34.99, who was I to turn down an opportunity like that?

And, boy, am I glad that I didn't, for my fears of drowning in a sea of political jargon were instantly allayed by the amiable, inviting and comfortable tone of the show, which you would image would be at odds with the pressure enacted upon Bartlet and his overworked staff and the breakneck speed with which they talk, (power) walk and do business; but these are well-rounded, likeable human beings, albeit with stressful, 18 hour jobs, and you become enthralled in their lives, their loves and their mistakes. Sure, each episode is centred on a bill, a budget, a poll, a meeting or the State of the Union – they are at work, after all – but fundamentally, The West Wing is more about the people behind the policies than it is about the policies themselves.

The main players bringing the drama and the humour to the White House, in no particular order, are: Communications Director Tony Zielger (Richard Schiff), his Deputy Sam Seaborn (Rob Lowe), Press Secretary “CJ” Cregg (Allison Janney), dedicated Chief of Staff Leo McGarry (John Spencer), wise-cracking Deputy Chief of Staff Josh Lyman (Bradley Whitford), Media Consultant Mandy Hampton (Moira Kelly) – more on her later – and the President’s young personal aide, Charlie Young (Dulé Hill), who becomes romantically involved with his bosses daughter, Zoey (Elisabeth Moss), much to an extremist group’s displeasure… Phew, that’s quite a cast, but they are so well written that they don’t remain strangers for long. Even President Bartlet conceals a soft, charming, overly-protective father beneath the spiky, brash leader of the country, while Vice President John Hoynes (Tim Matheson) is the only character I couldn't warm to, although he is sidelined so often that you forget he's even batting for the same side. Politically speaking.

Due to the hectic nature of the show, certain plot strands are introduced only to seemingly fizzle out for a large chunk of the season, then to rear back into focus later – Sam’s questionable befriending and plan to “reform” prostitute-come-student Laurie (Lisa Edelstein) and the career-crippling revelation of Leo’s pill-popping past, for example – whereas some arcs, such as Leo’s daughter Mallory’s (Allison Smith) potential romance with Sam, and enthusiastic reporter Danny Concannon’s (Timothy Busfield) patent-but-sweet determination to hook up with “CJ”, are bubbling away but still unresolved even after 22 episodes. But then that is life, and I found that aspect of The West Wing refreshing; it gave the (clearly intricately-plotted) series an edge of unpredictability; it wasn’t guaranteed that every plot point would be wrapped up in a tidy bow, or that it would even be given any screen time at all, but you were always certain that whatever subject was up for dissection – no matter how tragic, serious or trivial – you would be gripped, even when all plans go out the window and all hell breaks loose, such as in the tense, chilling and jaw-dropping season finale. Needless to say, Aaron Sorkin makes damn sure we’ll be back for Season Two.

Somebody who isn’t back for the sophomore year, however, is Mandy Hampton, the show’s most obvious misstep. Introduced in a blaze of controversy after defecting from ‘the other side’, Mandy all but vanishes towards the tail end of the season, reduced to a couple of throwaway lines an episode. It is a prime example of how American dramas are constantly evolving, even during the season, and clearly Aaron Sorkin was not happy with how the character fit into the ensemble cast. Nothing comes of the possible friction she could have caused to the team as Josh’s ex-girlfriend, and even when I thought she was finally going to get a big storyline to tackle (the leaking of her Republican memo outlining the President’s weaknesses), the potentially career-destroying mistake – which could have been a big exit for her character – is hushed up and trails off, with Mandy still sticking around to no real purpose. The last cause she fought for? Trying to import a replacement panda for Washington zoo... says it all, really.

Essentially, even in its debut season while most shows would still be finding their feet, The West Wing is confident and well crafted drama, superbly balancing the staffer’s torrent of duties with their turbulent private lives to create a winding, exciting and restless show which is personable without being soppy, hilarious without being slapstick, demanding without being dense, dramatic without being grave and intellectual without alienating or dumbing down for politics dunces (such as myself). I don’t think I have laughed as much at a show as I did when seeing Josh (a wonderfully congenial chap) waking from a hangover at his desk – mid-meeting – wearing full fisherman attire, or witnessing “CJ” attempting to speak having been anesthetised by the dentist. Whoever said politics was boring?! Oh, right… oops!


CR@B Verdict: Even a decade on, Aaron Sorkin's frantic ensemble drama is still a masterclass in perfectly-paced politics played out by finely tuned, well rounded human beings. Sharp, compelling and intelligent, yet warm and witty, too: Season one of The West Wing certainly gets my vote!
*****

New “Who” Review Run-through

Greetings most patient CR@B fans! My tardiness with recent Doctor Who reviews hasn’t been through sheer laziness, cross my claws and hope to fry! A busy period at work followed by a holiday in Cyprus (oooh, get me!) has left me trailing behind the UK transmission dates somewhat (hey, a CR@B’s gotta get some downtime!!), so in the interest of getting back up to speed, here are three slim-line reviews of episodes 5.6, 5.7 and 5.8…

“THE VAMPIRES OF VENICE ”
BBC One – 8/5/2010 – 6:00pm
Written by: Toby Whithouse
Directed by: Jonny Campbell

Following Amy’s (Karen Gillan) impassioned pass at the Doctor (Matt Smith) at the close of “Flesh and Stone”, the Time Lord turned Cupid in “The Vampires of Venice” by popping out of a giant cake and whisking Amy’s estranged earth-bound fiancé Rory (Arthur Darvill) away from his Stag do and on a romance-rekindling date to Venice . In 1580. “It’s this or tokens!” quipped the Doctor, again on fine bantering form in another witty, humorous, historical romp with added, err, bite. Well this episode was written by the creator of ace supernatural drama Being Human, so what did you expect: Gondolas and Piazzas?

You see, “Venice” in the sixteenth century – in actuality Croatia in 2010, providing a marvellously believable (and cheaper) stand in – is experiencing a problem with a “plague”, transforming the gifted female students of Rosanna Calvierri’s (Helen McCrory) exclusive “school” into light-opposed, fang-sprouting, blood-loving “vampires”. If you think I’m overusing the punctuation marks then that’s because the whole operation is a perception-filter aided cover for a race of “fish people from space”, on the run through time from their dying world. Their “masterful” plan? To breed the transformed gills– sorry, girls, with the surviving males of their scaly species, who are waiting impatiently in the waters of Venice , before flooding the city so they may thrive again.

It was (intentionally?) anti-climatic and sniggersome that the Doctor was able to disable said water-raising device by flicking a tiny switch atop a rooftop, and third wheel Rory’s (temporary?) reintroduction was suitably awkward: his one-upmanship repartee with the Doctor providing more of a spark than his lifeless relationship with love Amy, but then that is clearly the point. Overall, “The Vampires of Venice” [sic] was a rollicking fun - if throwaway - old-school caper (swashbuckling sword-and-broom fight included), with a zinging script infusing an age-old narrative structure (aliens disguised as humans to con us into saving their race? *yawn*) with life.

CR@B Rating: ***.5

“AMY'S CHOICE”
BBC One – 15/5/2010 – 6:25pm
Written by: Simon Nye
Directed by: Catherine Morshead

I will get straight to the point: this was – thus far – the least successful episode of series five. Flawed, corny and disengaging – and this is coming from somebody who gave the derided “Victory of the Daleks” four stars out of five!! My disappointment at “Amy's Choice” was further aggravated given the calibre of the writer (Simon Nye of Men Behaving Badly fame), the intrigue and anticipation garnered by the quirky trailer at the tail end of “The Vampires of Venice”, and the unforgivable waste of such a high-profile guest star. Infamous lead Toby “Truman Capote” Jones was perfectly cast as the impish and mischievous Dream Lord, but let down by a story which, even after the psyche-twist at the climax, never justified his character or gave him any acceptable cause or motivation whatsoever. He was a knock-off “Q” to the Doctor's Jean Luc, if you will.

Predominantly a character piece dedicated to attempting to validate the doubtful romance between Amy and Rory, “Amy's Choice” saw the travelling trio tossed between the rural community of Leadworth five years in the future, and a disabled TARDIS careening helplessly towards a cold star. Have Rory and a heavily pregnant Amy been living happily-married in a sleepy rural village which is secretly under threat from aliens disguised as curtain-twitching octogenarians, or is it a shared dream? Is the TARDIS doomed to crash and freeze, or is this the communal dream and Leadworth a dull reality? Only the Dream Lord knows, and he isn't telling. What a tease...

I concur that it was a fantastically oddball, Freudian-skirting premise; but the execution was so hokey and pocked with holes as to totally negate my interest. For instance: surely the existence-flitting trio could deduce that the future on Earth isn't reality by the fact that they haven't lived for five whole years?! Furthermore, I failed to believe in the character development drilled into us, even if the episode's dialogue was decently humorous (particularly the remark about the “elephant in the room”). But that was the very least we should have expected from a seasoned sitcom writer.

CR@B Rating: **

“THE HUNGRY EARTH” (PART ONE)
BBC One – 22/5/2010 – 6:15pm
Written by: Chris Chibnall
Directed by: Ashley Way

A two-part story set in a sleepy Welsh village where 2020 looks remarkably similar to the present day? This'll be a cheap-to-film mid-season filler, then, thought I, cynically, upon reading the opening title card. After last week's disappointing dud – and a trailer which failed to grip me – I feared it would be “onwards and downwards” (to ironically quote from the script) for the rest of this highly anticipated new series. Thankfully, “The Hungry Earth” struck gold (albeit in a slow-burning fashion) and made a fool of me for judging an episode from a 30 second tease.

Once you are over the frankly ludicrous scenario that an operation as grand and spectacular as the world's deepest tunnelling drill is being run by a crew of just 3 people (!), you can enjoy this tale of disgruntled lizard-tongued reptilian warriors, the Silurian (making their first Who appearance since the 1980's), reawakened by Wale’s subterranean drilling and remerging to reclaim “their” planet from the “apes” who became the dominant species.

The episode was heavy on build-up – the Homo Reptilia don’t even turn up until well over half way through – and perhaps felt a tad modest compared to more exciting recent jaunts, but a number of neat and well-executed details elevated it above talky groundwork for next week’s purportedly larger-scale conclusion: the Doctor's lack of parental experience in letting schoolboy Elliot (Samuel Davis) walk off alone amid increasing danger highlighted the Time Lord's inhuman weakness; the quarantined town being pitched in premature darkness due to a domed force shield was a nicely disorientating touch; and Silurian Alaya's (Neve McIntosh) silhouette stalking Elliot in the church graveyard was genuinely haunting.

It was an interesting move to keep Amy out of the action for so long in “The Hungry Earth”, and show how her 'boys' handled a situation where her life is at risk, cocooned underground at the mercy of a Silurian surgeon. But in keeping with the episode’s low-key tone, it was a shame that we saw so little of the heavily made-up Bossk-a-likes: the tribesmen of the uprising scouting party scarper the minute female Alaya is captured (and they call themselves warriors?!).

Furthermore, the (human) guest cast – in essence just one small-town family – did little but act as puppets to the Doctor’s stream of orders. Worryingly, he too would have been completely screwed (geddit?) were it not for his multi-purpose sonic screwdriver, which offered a quick-fix solution far too often (though it doesn’t work on un-sticking expanded wooden doors, which was a humorous line in a mainly straight-laced script). But these are minor niggles in an otherwise enjoyable escapade which is sure to get far more epic in next week’s “Cold Blood”.

CR@B Rating: ***.5

Angels with Dirty Imaginations

TV Review: DOCTOR WHO - “FLESH AND STONE” (PART 2)
BBC One - 1st May 2010 – 6:25pm
Written by: Stephen Moffat
Directed by: Adam Smith
Starring: Matt Smith, Karen Gillan, Alex Kingston, Iain Glen, David Atkins, Darren Morfitt, Mark Monero, George Russo __________________________________________________________

[“SPOILERS!”] Part two of this highly-anticipated Weeping Angels story was another top notch slice of prime, sharply written entertainment, topped off with a brave, adult edge. “Flesh and Stone” began by turning last week's cliffhanger on its head. Literally. Playing with the gravity field on the spaceship Byzantium, the Doctor's (Matt Smith) diminishing team are able to allude the ever-strengthening army of Angels and enter the bowels of the crashed craft, with the stony foes hot on their heels and hungry for... oxygen. Yep, the Angels need to breathe, too, granting us the pleasure of a fabulous Oxygen Factory set (“Trees... with technology!”), which made a pleasant and exotic change from rock and steel.

Following her terrifying trailer encounter with an Angel in “The Time of Angels”, Amy (Karen Gillan) has picked up an unnerving habit of counting down, which is a simple but chilling device courtesy of the Angel currently 'living' inside her mind, ratcheting up the episode's tension, especially because you aren't even aware it's a countdown until she's nearly half way to zero. The Doctor's shockingly obtuse diagnosis that Amy is dying is a fantastic look inside his alien mind, especially when it is juxtaposed with a tender, comforting word and kiss on the forehead for his inflicted companion.

Some fans may complain that the resolution (Amy must close her eyes to 'pause' the Angel within and pretend to see while she walks between the encroaching enemies) damages the Angel's formerly indomitable reputation (not to mention the show's internal logic, but, hey this is fantasy), but they still make fearsome foes. The fact they are making Amy count down “for fun” while they manically cackle at their victims demonstrates their dominance over - and disregard for - humans, and the scene when he finally see them move is chillingly executed.
The mysterious crack which has plagued Amy since her youth and trailed the travelling companions since “The Eleventh Hour” is dealt with much earlier in the run than many probably expected (Who story arcs usually stretch the entire 13 episode series), the burst of “time energy” – the cause of many a forgetful moment due to its ability to rewrite and unwrite time; particularly effective when the cleric's deny their fellow commando's existence – sealing itself shut on a diet of Weeping Angels. But as one arc closes, another arc opens in the form of the eight digit base code for the universe, but more about that later.

Despite delivering a cryptic sneek preview to the Doctor about a future meeting when “Pandorica opens” (the third time this event has been mentioned in new Who), I couldn't help feeling that River Song's (Alex Kingston) impact upon this episode was somewhat decreased after her bombastic return in a blaze of banter last week. At times she seemed little more than a backseat apprentice to the master in “Flesh and Bone” (the times that the Doctor lost his rag with her were delivered with aplomb from Smith), her only plot point of note being Father 'Bishop' Octavian's (Iain Glen) revelation that River is an untrustworthy murderer in his custody, her objective to achieve her mission and earn a pardon. There is a strong hint that her (future) victim is our dear Doctor, but this seems a far too simplistic outcome to this time flux murder mystery.

I mentioned in my review of “The Time of Angels” that last week's episode felt like there was a distinct break in proceedings which brought together two disparate story threads (River Song's reintroduction > the Maze of the Dead), and the same is true here. With the Weeping Angels being caught out by the “gravity of the situation” (guffaw), the final ten minutes are dedicated to a rather surprising, tone-shifting epilogue back at Amy's house, where she finally admits her desire for the Doc, coming onto him in rather an extreme fashion – particularly considering the early timeslot and young demographic tuning in. Promiscuous girl, indeed. Okay, so nothing overtly sexual was spelled out, but I'm sure some puritan cages were rattled as Amy lay on her bed expecting, well, you know... The Doctor dutifully declines (is he mad?!!) – something about a 900 year age gap, oh, and him being an alien – but it does spark his realisation that the aforementioned base code of the universe is interlinked with Amy's timeline – and ours – 26/06/2010 is the air date of the series finale. Handy, that.

Let the countdown begin! Next stop: Venice...


CR@B Verdict: A thrilling if flawed pay-off packed with action, frights, emotion and an unexpected injection of passion. Yep, in Doctor Who!! Perhaps “Flesh and Bone(r)” would have been a more apt title...? ;-)
****

Eyes Wide Stone

TV Review: DOCTOR WHO - “THE TIME OF ANGELS” (PART 1)
BBC One - 25th April 2010 – 6:20pm
Written by: Stephen Moffat
Directed by: Adam Smith
Starring: Matt Smith, Karen Gillan, Alex Kingston, Iain Glen, David Atkins, Mark Springer, Troy Glasgow, Simon Dutton, Mike Skinner
__________________________________________________________

[“SPOILERS!”] It is reasonable to declare that this hotly-anticipated new era of Doctor Who has received a somewhat inconsistent response to its first 3 adventures. Is Matt Smith’s Doctor eccentric or clumsy? Is Karen Gillan’s Amy Pond cocky or candid? Is the crack motif clever or unsubtle? Are the myriad of aesthetic changes necessary or indulgent? And who the hell remixed the iconic theme music?! While the general consensus is generally weighing towards the positive, critics cannot decide which of the new instalments most demands a rewatch or a switch off. With “The Time of Angels”, however, I think even the most affronted of die Who-ds can put down their burning effigies of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Daleks and agree that the Stephen Moffat reinvention has found its form, and at its peak, is bloody brilliant Saturday night entertainment. Huzzah!

As more of a general viewer than a dedicated Who fanatic (though admittedly no less judgemental), I was thankful for new recruit Amy’s inquisitive probing of returning enigma and vivacious time-traveller River Song (Alex Kingston), who I must admit to not remembering from her previous appearance alongside David Tennant's Doctor in “Forest of the Dead” (2008). Maybe I was out that night? Regardless, the plucky professor certainly made an impact in this episode, with her bullish charm and emasculating effect over the Doctor, particularly when driving his TARDIS and pointing out his mistake of leaving the handbrake on!!

Conversely, the unseen seekers the Weeping Angels required no re-introduction, as their unveiling in the Moffat-penned “Blink” (2007) has etched the statue-esque horrors in my mind as one of the deadliest, scariest and most memorable enemies in one of – if not the – best episode of Doctor Who in recent memory. This sort-of-sequel may not quite have been the flawless masterpiece of their debut, but it was darn close and by no means an illustration of diminishing returns.

Having made a (time) co-ordinated pick-up of River Song from the other side of a 12,000 year gap, the TARDIS-travelling trio were hot on the tail of the spacecraft Byzantium as it crash-landed on a desert world and revealed that the last of the Weeping Angels was hidden like a “hay-like needle of death in a haystack of… statues” (this gem of dialogue was courtesy of the on-form Doctor) in the Maze of the Dead, an ominous and atmospheric temple hidden beneath the earth. So began an Aliens-like hunt through the caverns, accompanied by the future of the Church; an elite team of gun-toting clerical commandos lead by Bishop (Iain Glen).

“The Time of Angels” really was an episode of two halves (and in itself is only the first half of an epic two-parter), with the opening quarter of an hour dedicated to River Song’s exhilarating return before the bubbly, banter-laden tone shifted to a darker shade of tense with Amy getting locked inside a trailer with a Weeping Angel materializing out of the CCTV screen in a nod to The Ring, and the Doctor’s belated realisation that the myriad of deteriorating statues littering the underground grotto were also dying Angels hoping to steal the images of the human team, ratcheting up the feeling of dread by some degree.

As I alluded to in the opening paragraph, public perception is divided over the youthful new teaming of Smith and Gillan, but I for one really like their friendly, teasing repartee which sparkles with witty dialogue: “Do I look that clingy?!” pops Amy after the Doctor suggests she looked deep into the Angel’s eyes. This winning formula was accentuated in this latest instalment by the effervescent River, who also packed a verbal punch. “River, hug Amy,” requested the Doctor. “Why?” asked the professor. “Cos I’m busy,” being but one smirk-worthy example in a vibrant, well-written script.

Yet it wasn’t only laughs which made “The Time of Angels” a superior outing: this was family entertainment which wasn’t afraid to scare; the budget was used spectacularly to give a visual veneer far above the BBC’s usual sound-stage standards; and commando Bob’s (David Atkins) chilling monotone delivery as he revealed his demise at the hands of the image-stealing statues was genuinely unsettling.

A stone cold classic? Well, we're only half way through the story and it is shaping up to be a monumentous escapade. I cannot wait for next week’s conclusion.


CR@B Verdict: Witty, creepy, tense and packed with action, “The Time of Angels” was an atmospheric delight with a genuine filmic quality which has carved out a new benchmark for Moffat's rejuvinated era.
****.5

Starwell To Heaven

TV Review: DOCTOR WHO - “THE BEAST BELOW”
BBC One - 10th April 2010 – 6:15pm
Written by: Stephen Moffat
Directed by: Andrew Gunn
Starring: Matt Smith, Karen Gillan, Sophie Okonedo, Terrence Hardiman, Hannah Sharp, Christopher Good, Catrin Richards, Jonathan Battersby, Alfie Field, David Ajala, Chris Porter
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Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear... after last week's high-flying Moffat/Smith era opener, last night's sophomore episode came crashing down as a great disappointment in ALL areas, which is ironic given that “The Eleventh Hour” was grounded on 21st century Earth, while “The Beast Below” took us on a journey to the stars aboard the 29th century Starship UK; a police state comprising all of England's towns and cities aboard one flying landmass. The country's children are upset, creepy rotating clown-headed “Smilers” (see pic, below) sit in decaying Fairground booths passing judgement on the masses while piping a live feed through to Big Brother, and the gigantic ship's engines aren't making the water vibrate. Hmmmm, can somebody call the Doctor (Matt Smith), or, better yet: a science fiction and fantasy film buff...

I was instantly and continually troubled by the episode's truly unoriginal patchwork plot: from the Discworld-esque locale and Mort-dressed surveillance Minders, to the grimmy Blade Runner aesthetic of the post-apocalyptic environ, not to mention numerous cringeworthy Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy (Amy in her nightgown for the entire episode) and Star Wars (“My only hope”; garbage chute) references. In short, there was not a single innovative theme, character or device in the entire hectic 45 minutes. But it wasn't only classic genre pieces that Moffat borrowed from: modern science-fiction was also mined in the form of Lost-like video diaries as evidence of the hidden truth behind Starship UK's engine-less flight, and a Protest/Forget button in the Voting Booth somewhat simplifying the red-pill/blue-pill quandary facing Neo in The Matrix.

I wish I had been able to chose 'Forget' and erase any memory of this below-par adventure, especially when the gothic-gowned Phantom of the Opera impersonator trailing the Doctor turned out to be Liz Ten (Sophie Okonedo), the future Queen of England (with the most annoying “common” accent ever: “I'm the bloody Queen, mate. Basically, I rule.” *cringe*) who has been kept in the dark about the horrific and inhumane truth behind her country's Pratchett-plagiarising propulsion practises, pushing the episode's primary concern over the children's safety to the background for far too long (while Hannah Sharp's schoolgirl Mandy stood around idle yet still in shot).

Furthermore, I can't say I was overly taken by Matt Smith's portrayal of the Doctor this week; he is clearly comfortable in the role but I found myself getting more and more exasperated by his increasingly kooky asides and scatty persona, which failed to make me smile like Tennant used to. It also seems like more of an act, given how ridiculously well-informed he truly is. You may feel I am being overly hard on “The Beast Below”, so I will leave you on a positive note (yes, there is one); the plot climaxed with an emotional intensity which really helped bond the Doctor and his new assistant, as Amy Pond (Karen Gillan) saved the day by making a parallel to the immortal Doctor's loneliness. It was a mature and well acted scene, if only Moffat didn't feel the need to drive the message home by repeating it nearly word-for-word in the star-gazing epilogue, akin to the way the early Harry Potter films spelt out EVERYTHING to aid the youthful demographic.


CR@B Verdict: A hackneyed dud worryingly early on in the new series, the only bright lights being an emotional intensity to the climax and a number of subtle callbacks (Magpie Electricals) and references (like on Amelia's wall, a crack appears on the side of Starship UK) to keep the loyal fanbase content. A prime example of Who trying too hard.
**

A Mad Man With A Box

TV Review: DOCTOR WHO - “THE ELEVENTH HOUR”
BBC One - 3rd April 2010 – 6:20pm
Written by: Stephen Moffat
Directed by: Adam Smith
Starring: Matt Smith, Karen Gillan, Tom Hopper, Arthur Darvill, Nina Wadia, Annette Crosbie, Olivia Colman and Patrick Moore
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I have always liked the so-called “new Who” (AKA the Eccleston and Tennant eras), not to the extent that I would record it if I was out, but it always provided good, light-hearted (if occasionally too light) family entertainment on a Saturday teatime. With the dawn of a new Matt Smith-shaped era – and with a new showrunner at the helm following Russell T. Davis's departure – I sat down to watch with great expectations (after all, it's been kinda hard to escape the BBC hype machine in recent weeks); and it's fair to say Stephen Moffat delivered with a superb and dizzying debut.

New showrunner. New Time Lord. New Assistant. New TARDIS. New Sonic Screwdriver – and before the poor Doctor (Matt Smith) has time to adjust to his eleventh regeneration, he crash lands on Earth and has just 20 minutes to defeat a new alien enemy. Well, at least the iconic theme tune is the same – oh, no, wait: that's newly remixed too. Talk about a new brush sweeping clean... and yet, “The Eleventh Hour” wasn't inaccessibly innovative – it was glossier, edgier and had a distinctly more filmic quality (from the – mostly – impressive CG effects to the more dramatic musical score), but it was still comfortingly familiar.

Although he has been on board the show for some time now, Stephen Moffat was clearly out to make a bold first impression in his new head position – “The Eleventh Hour” was Doctor Who Plus: more emotional, more touching, funnier, sexier, scarier and edgier than the previous (and hugely popular) incarnation – but without David Tennant's popularity to fall back on. From the dramatic, flame-hindered TARDIS free-falling across the London night sky to the Piranha-esque "Prisoner Zero" with the ability to take the form of any being it links with psychically, tonight's series opener was an epic thrill-ride.

Based on this first performance, Smith looks set to make the revered role his own with an enjoyably quirky performance (fish fingers and custard!!) packed with humour and a uniquely gawkish quality - yet he was definitely still in control and not out of his depth. His new assistant, feisty Scot Amy Pond (Karen Gillan), certainly made an immediate impact brandishing a cricket bat and wearing a sexy policewoman's kiss-o-gram outfit (see pic, left), but she has a cute, vulnerable quality given her sentimental back story. For Amelia (to give her her birth name) first met the Doctor aged 7 (and played by Caitlin Blackwood) when, immediately following his regeneration, he crashed into her back garden somewhat confused and hungry for apples... this had a severe impact upon the young orphan's life – the Doctor promised to return in 5 minutes but doesn't return for 12 years*, in which time Amy has had to see four psychiatrists to get over her 'imaginary' friend, the “Raggedy Doctor”...

I felt the plot – involving the escaped "Prisoner Zero" being tracked by intergalactic 'police' known as the Atraxi (giant eyeballs) – got a little confusing at times, as decisions were made and people were rushing this way and that in the blink of a (giant) eye. Furthermore, the scientific mumbo-jumbo was babbled at break-neck speed (particularly while the Doctor was borrowing a man's laptop to piggyback on a worldwide phone call to Patrick Moore!!), yet the outcome was predictably simple: the Atraxi left Earth when they realised Smith was the Doctor. Okay, point made: he's back, with a younger face and a bow tie, but he's still fearsome, even to giant eyeballs with the power to incinerate the globe!! Riiiiight... But then plot, logic and reason are really of secondary importance on Doctor Who, and as a piece of fantasy entertainment “The Eleventh Hour” was first rate.

CRaB Verdict: A CRACKing, if complex, opener for Matt Smith and Stephen Moffat; the Doctor is back in business and I'll definitely be booking an appointment for next Saturday.
****.5
_________________________________________________________________
* What year are we supposed to be in now, then, given that this episode jumps 12 and, in the epilogue, a further 2, years? 2024??!

A Lesson in Children's TV History

DVD Review: SAVED BY THE BELL – SEASON ONE
12 – 6 hours, approx. - 1989
Created by: Sam Bobrick
Executive Producer: Peter Engel
Directed by: Don Barnhart (15 episodes), Gary Shimokawa (4 episodes), Dennis Erdman (1 episode)
Starring: Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Mario Lopez, Dustin Diamond, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, Elizabeth Berkley, Lark Voorhies, Ed Alonzo, Dennis Haskins
________________________________________

It can sometimes be a mistake to revisit your favourite programmes from childhood as an adult, as the years – and your maturity – may not be kind to what you once revered. Thankfully, this is not the case with High School comedy series Saved By The Bell, and I thoroughly enjoyed my reunion with the gang from Bayside School, California. It fact, it was amusing how strong some of my memories of the series were: I could still give a verbatim rendition of the pop-tastic theme song, and some of the episodes were as clear to me as if I had only seen them a week ago, rather than over 15 years.

This is not to say that I am blind to the shows flaws. As likeable as the characters are, they are unashamed, hyperbolic stereotypes: Zack Morris (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) is the cool rebel in permanent detention, Kelly Kapowski (Tiffani-Amber Thiessan) the pretty cheerleader of his dreams, Samuel “Screech” Powers (Dustin Diamond) is the robot-building, ant farm-keeping dweeb, perpetually rejected by socialite fashionista Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhies). Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley) is the straight-laced, politically-minded feminist at loggerheads with new kid on the block, hunky muscle-man “AC” Slater (Mario Lopez), who also puts a crimp in Zack's style by taking a liking to Kelly. A buddy rivalry is born.

While young-at-heart school principal Richard Belding (Dennis Haskins) is the only member of the Bayside faculty to be a main character, the 25-year-old me can now fully appreciate the humorous ticks and traits indebted to the other put-upon teaching staff: hard of hearing English Lit. professor and Shakespeare enthusiast Miss Simpson (Pamela Kosh), monotonous and dryly sarcastic mathematician Mr Dewey (Patrick Thomas O'Brien), fast-talking, pop quiz-obsessed Mr Testaverde (John Moschitta). Such quirky idiosyncrasies really help to flesh out these reoccurring bit-part players, even if the purpose is generally cheap gags.

Given its youthful and impressionable target market, Saved By The Bell is also guilty of not so much presenting its lessons in teen life, more wrestling you into a locker occupied by its clear-cut morals: pranks never succeed, bullies never prosper, geeks are humans, too (even if they are named Nerdstrom, Poindexter and Geekman – bit of a contradiction, there), and honesty and friendship should be upheld over greed and fame. It's mawkish, predictable stuff.

But if you can withstand the compulsion to groan, this late 80's kid-com is also something of a mould-breaker, at times it is way ahead of its time: Zack frequently breaks the forth wall to deliver narration, exposition or witticisms to the audience at home, occasionally calling a “time out” on the action to alter the continuity by moving people and objects, usually in his favour. As if he wasn't big-headed enough, he also gets to play God!! The pink-framed dream sequences are also impressively surreal – Slater dressed in a giant lizard costume handing out ironic punissssshments to his neglectful friends following the death of his pet reptile Archie, is by far the most trippy – showing the writers were capable of thinking outside the box while delivering regimented plots.

The best episodes – “Beauty and the Screech” and “The Election” – are those with the most emotional gravitas, the least successful - “Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind” and “Screech's Birthday” – are those that stretch credibility to snapping point in order to deliver a message. The pilot episode, “King of the Hill”, detailing the first day of High School and Slater's first day in a new town, is jarringly held back until 16th in the season with only a voice-over sentence from Zack indicating it as a flashback. I am not sure why this anachronism isn't remedied for this new release.

Curiously, this 2010 boxset comprises just 16 of the 20 Season One episodes, spread across 3 discs. Given the show's age, the picture quality is hardly great, and this set – episode synopses and stills gallery aside – is basically vanilla. But what irritates the most is that the Region 1 release from SEVEN years ago contains both Season One (complete) AND Two – and is available from Amazon Marketplace for half the price of this belated Region 2 rip-off.

CR@B Verdict: Blunt, predictable and groan-illicitingly moralistic, yet cheesy enough to still provide a guilty snigger. 20 years on, fashion and trends have changed dramatically, but teens are still teens and Saved By The Bell has seen off all imitators to its crown to still rule the school sitcom genre. Just import the bargain R1 collection instead.
***

A (Police) Force To Be Reckoned With?

Above Their Station - Pilot

BBC Three, 22/02/2010, 9:30pm
Written by: Rhys Thomas

Directed by: Tony Dow
Starring: Rhys Thomas, Luke Gell, Ashley Madekwe, Andrew Brooke, Dudley Sutton, Denis Lawson, Ruth Connell, Simon Day

The characters are loud, uncouth, hyperbolic stereotypes, the plot requires an acceptance of the absurd and the humour is zany, bordering on brash. Like the abysmal The Persuasionists, this pilot to a potential new BBC Three studio sitcom about the struggles facing Police Community Support Officers, really shouldn't work. And yet, unlike The Persuasionists, somehow it does, bringing to mind the over-the-top, surrealist edge of The IT Crowd, without feeling like a futile retread of that other police-centred sitcom, The Thin Blue Line.

Being imprisoned for swan murder, framing the Ukrainian cleaner (Ruth Connell) of theft and playing a potentially criminal, definitely loony medical doctor (a fabulous turn by Simon Day) at scrabble are all in a day's work for disrespected Essex PCSOs Perry Benson (Rhys Thomas), Len Orbison (Luke Gell) and Kelly Eve (Ashley Madekwe). That is, when they aren't being dangled over a bridge by the local youths, suspended from the ceiling in their underwear by 'propper copper' PC Preston (Andrew Brooke), or fishing colostomy bags out of the staffroom fridge.

Yes, you read that correctly. As I stated previously, Above Their Station requires that you step out of reality and into this scantly distorted hyper-reality. I'm not talking Mighty Boosh levels of surrealism here, but if you cannot accept that a 'mad' scientist works beneath the police station, developing state-of-the-art laser guns and picking the juicy bits out of Tropicana, then this is not a sitcom for you. Personally, I had a blast, once I had adjusted to the logic of this off-kilter world.

The only criticism I would have is that lead character Perry had little impact upon either of the two plotlines running through the episode, spending most of his time following after unworldly Len or fawning over ballsy Kelly, who barely registers his advances. Seems I wasn't the only one. But this is only episode one, and if a series is commissioned, I am sure we will get more of a feel for what his character is about as he is given time to shine. After all, his alter-ego is writing it.

CR@B Verdict: While it isn't the most uniform of concepts, I hope a regular series beckons and gives us a chance to walk to the beat of these beleaguered PSCOs.
***

Not Persuaded To Laugh

Picture the scene: you're at work/the pub/a picnic, nattering away the hours with colleagues/mates/some family whose al fresco luncheon you've just gatecrashed, when conversation inevitably turns to the weeks' TV. Invariably, no matter how clever/entertaining/cool the programme being dissected by this informal focus group is, some arrogant so-and-so will spew forth the hyperbolic claim: "I could write a better show than that". Well, I generally think to myself (when it isn't I who has made said claim), what the 'eck are you doing wasting your days in Morrisons/the Hungry Horse/this fly-infested field in the Lake District, mi laddo? Get back on your laptop and email this hallowed, mould-breaking script to the BBC, post haste!

The reason they are wasting their days in Morrisons/the Hungry Horse/this fly-infested field in the Lake District, 99.9999999999% of the time, is because they HAVEN'T written a hallowed, mould-breaking script at all (in fact, they don't even have a laptop), they were merely bragging to impress the girl in the bakery/the barmaid in the low-cut top/stop the father of the family from calling the police before they've finished their scotch egg. The other 0.00000000001% of the time they were drunk/drunk/drunk.

Tonight I watched the first episode of a new BBC sitcom called The Persuasionists, starring a throng of recognisable comics from recent TV projects (I won't name and shame them, but you can see them in the pic above). I went into the programme with high hopes, not only because of the cast, but because it had been advertised and hyped as one of the big new comedies of the new year. A sure-fire hit, surely?

29 minutes later I switched off the TV, shaking my head and powerless to stop my lips from uttering the cliched phrase: "I could write a better show than that". I wasn't even being immodest, I KNOW I could write a funnier comedy than that. I'd even go as far as to say I HAVE written a funnier comedy than that, but you'll have to take my word for that, for now (it is currently being judged in the Sitcom Mission competition).

The Persuasionists was cluttered with hideous, stereotypical, borderline racist characters who were totally untrue to life, doing stupid, outrageous, unfathomable things just because somebody with a low-brow sense of humour may giggle as a boss throws a bread bin at his failing underling, or a “foreign colleague” uses a giant pencil to seduce random girls by making a lot of poor taste cock jokes. Even the nicest/tamest/most boring character is a lazy no-hoper. How ironic that a comedy based around advertisers attempting to sell absolute tat to gullible saps, made such a fine mess of persuading me to give this shit-com another chance. Clearly some tat stinks worse than a quart of out-of-date cockney cheddar.

My question is this: WHO at the Beeb had the bright idea of not only resurrecting this 2-year-old dud from the annals of TV history (it first piloted in 2007, with Chris “A.J. Rimmer” Barrie on board; he was wise to jump ship), but also thought it worthy of a promotion from digital BBC Three to terrestrial BBC 2*?!! Was it the same genius who turned down the chance to screen a new series of Red Dwarf, but thought Big Top was comedy gold?

To quote the show for the first/last/only time: “Sort it aaaat!!!!!!!!!!” BBC! If I know I can do better than The Persuasionists, then surely YOU know you can do better than The Persuasionists?

Now, where's that scotch egg I was rudely prevented from finishing?


* I could make a biting joke about scum rising – given that the pilot was originally named The Scum Also Rises – but that would involve be going back over my blog and editing in that titbit of information. Can I be arsed? Does the fact you're reading a post script answer your question?

Recent Review Run-down

A medley of mini-monologues from a myriad of mediums. Try saying that 3 times. Hell, try saying that ONCE. You'll sound like a right knob.

CINEMA:

Avatar: James Cameron's overly-hyped return to the big screen is a stunning visual achievement. Reversing the dogma that less-is-more, the fictional world of Pandora is a luscious cornucopia of dense jungle, mountain-top vistas and stretching landscapes, brought to live with a fully-realised eco-system. Even the most ludicrous Cloverfield cast-offs mated with a rhino and dipped in neon paint look astonishing in three dimensions. It's a shame that the story is so achingly predictable and jarringly high-concept, but even this doesn't doesn't harm the overall sensory experiene once the 3D glasses are on. ****

Sherlock Holmes (2009): The former Mr Madonna reinvents Baker Street's super-sleuth as a boxing, drug-addicted eccentric in a murky and washed-out industrial-era London on the build. Which is the ideal setting for a mystery so meticulously constructed it requires scaffolding (or, at least, slow-motion replays for explanation). Fun and imaginative, if a little mired in cults and black magic (thus nothing is what it seems - cue the slo-mo gimmick), it's just a pity Mark Strong is such a bland and unimposing villian as Lord Blackwood. ***

DVD:

Dorian Gray (2009): Oscar Wilde's classic tale of excess and amorality in Victorian London gets another big screen adaptation. Yet for all of the acts of greed, sin and debauchery on show, the screen never really comes alive, with the action and scenery looking as flat as a portrait hidden in the attic. All of the actors - especially fresh-faced newcomer Ben Barnes as the naive eponymous self-destructor - are guilty of going through the motions in this slow-moving cautionary horror. Pity it's horrific for all the wrong reasons. **

The Hangover: An enjoyably zany film, if not the "comedy of 2009" it has been hyped to be. This is mainly because it has all been done before; a drink-and-drug-fuelled party (here a stag do) goes too far and it's up to the hungover guests (groom's best mates) to retrace their forgotten steps to put things right (find the groom) before time runs out (the wedding starts). Essentially, it's a cocktail of Dude, Where's My Car? mixed into a pitcher with Very Bad Things. So, Mate, Where's The Groom? or Very Confusing Things, if alternative, copyright-infringing titles were required. Which they aren't. ***

TV:

The Turn Of The Screw (2009): No, not Shakespeare's meta-comedy on courtship and marriage (that's The Taming Of The Shrew, genius!), but a BBC remake of Henry James' 1898 ghost story. Auntie Beeb have successfully managed to evoke a creepy and cagey atmosphere within the haunted country house, while the acting is first rate, especially by the two young stars playing the possessed siblings. Unfortunately - and maybe this is an issue with the source material rather than this particular adaptation - the horror builds to an entirely anti-climatic showdown with the disgruntled deceased, comprising of... a bit of shouting. The Exorcist, this ain't, although - *SPOILER ALERT* - somehow a child dies? Of what - a burst eardrum?!! ***