Cod Melville

DVD Review: AGE OF THE DRAGONS
12 – 91mins – 2011
Story by: Gil Aglaure and Anne Black
Based on the novel “Moby Dick” by Herman Melville
Screenplay by: McKay Daines
Directed by: Ryan Little
Starring: Danny Glover, Vinnie Jones, Corey Sevier, Sofia Pernas, Larry Bagby, Kepa Kruse, David Morgan
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Like Easy A, Clueless and 10 Things I Hate About You before it, Age of the Dragons is a contemporary filmic reimagining of a classic prose tale which bears little discernible resemblance to its long-treasured source. Unlike Easy A, Clueless and 10 Things I Hate About You, however, Age of the Dragons is a spiritless and complaisant slog which, beneath its medieval exterior, is far too tied to Herman Melville’s Great American Novel, much to its own detriment.

Taking the skeletal essence of Moby Dick and burying it in an archaic fantasy land where dragons, not whales, are the burdensome beasts hunted and harpooned for their highly sought-after natural resource (the fiery neon catalyst vitriol, in this case, rather than blubber), Ryan Little’s low budget genre piece tells the story of Captain Ahab’s (Glover) vengeance-motivated lifelong hunt for the great white dragon which killed his sister and left him a mentally and physically scarred husk of man.

Told, like the novel, from the perspective of dashing-but-wholly-uninteresting wanderer Ishmael (Sevier), Age of the Dragons fails to make the most of its mystical snow-steeped vistas and limitless fantasy palette, delivering a flat, grey and emotionless story which lacks vigour and imagination. Despite a limited budget, the CGI – when employed – is passable if economical at rendering the winged prey, but it is the humans which let this direct-to-video release down.

The acting fluctuates from corny over enthusiasm (Glover's garishly unstable cap'n; a bubbly but criminally underused Jones) to monotone amateur disinterest (pretty much everyone else). It's a shame the film's tone sticks much closer to the latter than the former, feeling almost completely soulless and lacking any humour to complement its fantastical frivolity. For anyone who thought Season of the Witch was bad (which I didn't – see my review HERE); that looks like an Oscar winning masterpiece next to this second rate tosh.

If Ishmael's insipid flirtation with Ahab's adopted daughter, Rachel (Pernas), wasn't bland enough, his enigmatic right-hand man, Queequay (Kruse), is a constant impenetrable aggravation, too. Clearly superfluous to this cut-price adap, he morphs from being a mute mystery in the first half to a mystical guru who won't shut up with his vapid stoner “logic” in the second. Furthermore, his reasons for steering clear of the grand cavern showdown are weak to the point of contrivance and the film would have benefited greatly from having Vinnie Jones' banterful Stubb's hang around to the end in place of this soporific bore.

But most irksome of all is story drafter's Aglaure and Black's uninspired translation of Ahab’s whaleship, the Pequod, which here becomes a cumbersome earth-bound craft comparable to a primitive Dead Reckoning in Land of the Dead, rolling through the tundra protected (scarcely) by a row of decorative shields nailed to its rickety wooden exterior. Quite how it was powered in an pre-technological society, though, I'm thoroughly stumped. It feels like a lazy fix (indeed one of many in the film) to allow this dragon hunting caravan of landlubbers to travel together yet still use shipping terminology such as “deck” and “vessel”.


In a CR@B Shell: Anything but a whale of a time, Age of the Dragons is a disengaging and hollow experience despite its treasured source and vivid landscape. A lazy, tedious and clichéd beast, the film is as awkward and clunky as its title (surely “The Age of Dragons” or simply “Age of Dragons” would have been more pithy?), and it can't even blame its low budget on its multitude of flaws.
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Victory Loves Preparation

DVD Review: THE MECHANIC
15 – 88mins – 2011
Screenplay by: Richard Wenk and Lewis John Carlino
Based on the 1972 film written by: Lewis John Carlino
Directed by: Simon West
Starring: Jason Statham, Ben Foster, Tony Goldwyn, Donald Sutherland, Jeff Chase, Mini Anden, James Logan, John McConnell
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[SPOILERS] A conventional and unspectacular remake of a 70s action-thriller from the Death Wish duo of Charles Bronson and director Michael “Calm down, dear” Winner, The Mechanic 2011 is exactly what you expect from a film headlined by the star of The Transporter; its taut runtime exploding with a salvo of hit men, guns, cars, babes, fist fights and stunts – played out by a bunch of cold-hearted thugs who would sooner strike you than strike up a conversion.

Statham plays the eponymous Arthur Bishop, for whom connivance and compassion are foreign concepts. He’s an elite gun-for-hire who “fixes” his clients’ problems by making wanted men’s deaths look like accidents. However, the assassin starts to develop a conscience when his next target is his mentor and only friend, Harry McKenna (Sutherland), whose wayward son Steve (Foster) Arthur decides to take under his wing and teach the tricks of his undercover trade.

Foster – who very much reminded me of Ryan Half Nelson Gosling – does a convincing turn as the hot-headed and impulsive waster for whom Arthur has a remarkable amount of patience. Arthur is tied by a sense of duty to his deceased comrade (which, of course, contradicts the fact it was him who pulled the trigger), but Steve really pushes his luck with his mutinous antics in lethal scenarios. You really do wonder why a pro of Arthur’s calibre would risk his reputation by leaving his assignments in the hands of an undependable student.

Considering the clean and delicate nature of their shady business (most of which involves being an invisible-but-deadly presence), the climactic manhunt for the Mechanic’s corrupt Agency chief Dean (Goldwyn) is a surprisingly ostentatious carnival of violence and destruction – on the streets of New Orleans in the middle of the day! Clearly all composure and cunning fly out the window (and abseil down a skyscraper) when you discover your boss is a dangerous double-crossing deviant. Dishonesty? In their line of work? Who would have thunk it?!

But any hope that working together to eliminate a common target would unify our pair of trigger-happy protagonists is but a pipe dream in the viewer’s imagination, as Steve learns the truth about Arthur’s role in his father’s murder and sets out to avenge his death. Three explosions but zero character development (in fact, if anything, Arthur regresses to a new immoral low) see this run-of-the-mill thriller go out with a visual bang – but a severe lack of substance means the adrenaline soon fades, alongside any memory of The Mechanic.


In a CR@B Shell: Playing a minor variation on his renowned underworld delivery driver, Statham was a predictable choice for the lead – and this is The Mechanic’s biggest glitch: it’s too content playing to type that it fails to evolve or astonish. Simon West’s remake is loud, watchable but ultimately forgettable post-pub pap.
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Room for Improvement

Film Review: THE ROOM
15 – 92mins – 2003
Written by: Tommy Wiseau
Directed by: Tommy Wiseau
Starring: Tommy Wiseau, Juliette Danielle, Greg Sestero, Philip Haldiman, Carolyn Minnott, Robyn Paris, Mike Holmes, Kyle Vogt, Dan Janjigian, Greg Ellery
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A clear-cut contender for “Worst film ever committed to celluloid”, this self-financed 2003 travesty by unfathomably-accented auteur Tommy Wiseau is so inadequately appalling in every conceivable way that it has gained infamous cult status, receiving numerous midnight cinema screenings - including an upcoming exhibition at Christ's College, Cambridge on June 3rd - and (hopefully ironic) advocates from the likes of Hollywood A-listers Will Ferrell and Kristen Bell.

Clearly intended to be a profound and dark melodrama about the effects an affair can have on those close to you, The Room is more like a farce – none of the unknown cast can act (Wiseau himself the biggest offender), the same plot points are recycled ad infinitum while other more weighty developments (such as a drug money debt and breast cancer test) vanish without trace, the (often dubbed) dialogue is laughable, scenes take place in random irrelevant locations for absolutely no reason, the chronology is in absolute disarray, the camera often dips as if almost dropped while panning the room, characters come and go inexplicably lending no purpose to the story... I could go on!

It’s essentially a 15minute short film dragged over an hour and a half, with overlong location pans, impromptu “catch” sessions with an American football and excruciatingly long un-erotic sex scenes (one of which I have my suspicions was a repeat of earlier footage!) padding out the fluff. Wiseau can claim until he’s blue in the face that it was supposed to be laughed at, but it’s obviously not – it’s just an amateurish and inept product of a man whose ego (and wallet) is larger than his talent.

I’m literally stumped for a single redeeming quality to proffer The Room – even the title is preposterous, serving no relevance to the infinitesimal plot whatsoever. And yet, despite its multitude of faults, it is still well worth checking out, if only as an incredulous curio: seeing is believing – and even then you’ll struggle to grasp exactly how anyone could ever consider this abysmal train wreck to be worth making – but at least you’ll have an arsenal of excruciating quotes at your disposal.


In a CR@B Shell: Watch alone and you won’t make it beyond the first two minutes without tearing your eyes out, but watch with friends and you’ll derive much amusement from deriding this diabolical mess which, bluntly, doesn’t deserve even a single CR@B Howard tick.
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Life’s a Bitch (and then you meet the Girl of your Dreams)

DVD Review: REMEMBER ME
12 – 108mins – 2010
Written by: Will Fetters
Directed by: Allen Coulter
Starring: Robert Pattinson, Emilie de Ravin, Chris Cooper, Lena Olin, Pierce Brosnan, Ruby Jerins, Tate Ellington
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We are always told never to judge a book by its cover, and yet movie one sheets and DVD covers always try their utmost to be as bold, attractive and alluring as possible to get us to do just that – to persuade us to see the “GREATEST FILM EVER, EVER MADE… EVER!!! *****” based upon a single photoshopped image and some hyperbolic arse-kissing pull-quotes.

Curiously, the marketing and design bods promoting Remember Me systematically failed to do that (check out the wholly bland and unimaginative cover art below). Perhaps they were hoping that the in-vogue appeal of Robert “Edward Cullen” Pattinson and Emilie “Clare from Lost” de Ravin cuddled up looking off into the middle distance would be enough to sell the film?

To a certain extent I suppose they were (sadly) right, as Twi-hards flocked to check out their object of lust in something human and dramatic, but I was under the unfortunate misunderstanding that this film was just a by-the-numbers romantic comedy; a lightweight time-passer between Twilight instalments for Mr. Pattinson.

Boy was I wrong. I'm talking "thinking I’d detest Fast Five but really it was freaking awesome" magnitude wrong (check out my confessio- I mean, review HERE). But then it wasn’t as if this film’s "we've got hot actors" advertising did a great deal to paint a more comprehensive picture...

Remember Me is a film about living in the moment, making the most of life and living up to the memory of those who have gone before us. It is very much a character piece with some very engrossing story arcs delivering some rather astute lessons in life to a group of people who have all had their fair share of tragedy to contend with. On the downside, this does mean that some scenes are quite emotionally charged and some characters are really detestable graduates of the school of life.

The man the web refers to as R-Patz is at his most downbeat and least handsome (sorry, girls) as Tyler Hawkins, a volatile lad in his early twenties whose emotionally brusque father (Brosnan) is too involved with work to notice that his young art prodigy daughter (Jerins) is being bullied at school and their nuclear family is a mess following the suicide of Tyler’s older brother some seven years earlier.

At heart, Tyler is a good guy, but he takes his grief and aggression out on others and he has seen the inside of a holding cell more often than is healthy. Persuaded by his insensible dick of a roommate (Ellington) that the daughter of the cop (Cooper) who last bust open his face would be a great person to fool around with to get revenge, Pattinson starts dating Ally Craig (de Ravin) – a girl who knows a thing or two about tragedy, having witnessed the murder of her mother a decade previous – only for this bet to turn into an actual love affair which deeply affects both parties.

The drama is a little depressing at times, the colour palette a little too washed out and the characters’ choices a little frustrating, but Allan Coulter’s film does enough to keep well clear of twee, generic or predictable. The leftfield “twist” in the final act could be accused of using real life disaster for the purposes of entertainment, but there’s no denying it is a strong emotional blow which enforces the film’s redemptive message and guarantee’s you won’t quickly forget Remember Me.


In a CR@B Shell: Not at all the film I was expecting, but for all the right reasons. Remember Me isn’t a barrel of laughs, but it is an affecting and heartfelt drama which fulfils its purpose by teaching us about the peaks and troughs of the human condition.
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The Agony and the Ecstacy

Blu Review: MARTYRS
18 – 97mins – 2008
Written by: Pascal Laugier
Directed by: Pascal Laugier
Starring: Morjana Alaoui, Mylène Jampanï, Catherine Bégin
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Bloody, brutal, savage, extreme, visceral, sadistic – all of these terms (and many more synonyms besides) could be thrown into a review of French horror Martyrs, and yet none of them could ever *quite* manage to best express just how fucked up this film is. It’s the kind of film you have to see, but you won’t want to. It’s powerful viewing, but it’s also unpleasantly hard viewing, and I can’t imagine anyone going back for seconds. Not because it isn’t any good (far from it), but because it’ll forever be engrained on the viewer’s subconscious.

Having escaped from an abandoned abattoir following a lengthy period of imprisonment, abuse and torture at just ten years old, traumatised Lucie (Jampanï) is still plagued by nightmarish visions of a truly terrifying primordial goblin-esque figure. 15 years later, and with the support and assistance of her only friend, fellow care home resident Anna (Alaoui), Lucie has tracked down the sick perpetrators responsible, and she’s intent on making them pay…

If my synopsis makes Martyrs sound a little familiar, a little generic, akin to I Spit on your Grave and its ilk of rape/revenge thrillers, then think again: the above is wrapped up within the first 45 minutes, and the film's second half plunges to new depths of depravity whilst transcending the binds of its oft-maligned genre and ascending to new heights of unprecedented originality, as Anna stumbles upon the dark-as-night secret behind Lucie’s juvenile imprisonment, and finds herself in a similarly unspeakable scenario.

I won’t ruin it for you, as stripping away the meat from Martyrs’ bones will greatly reduce the potency of its appalling revelations. Nevertheless, a warning: I’ve watched a flood of limb-slicing, gore-splattered, frankly deplorable horror films in my time, and I’m not being hyperbolic when I rank Pascal Laugier’s film as one of the most shockingly severe my eyes have witnessed. But unlike shallow schlockers like City of the Living Dead, in this case I mean it as an immense compliment.


In a CR@B Shell: Prepare to be in equal parts astounded and revolted by this extraordinary Euro example of extreme transgressive cinema. Martyrs achieves exactly what it sets out to, and for that must be commended, but it is not an enjoyable viewing experience. Not for the weak of heart (or stomach).
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WKD Witches

DVD Review: OUTCAST
18 – 98mins – 2010
Written by: Colm McCarthy and Tom K. McCarthy
Directed by: Colm McCarthy
Starring: James Nesbitt, Kate Dickie, Niall Bruton, Hanna Stanbridge, Ciaran McMenanim, James Cosmo, Karen Gillan, Christine Tremarco
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If the cast of Shameless ever delved into the occult, Outcast would be the outcome. A pair of Irish travellers – introverted teen Fergal (Bruton) and his protective mother Mary (Dickie) – find temporary lodging in a deprived council estate in Edinburgh . They are in hiding from the inexorable Cathal (Nesbitt), a man who uses black magic to hunt his quarry. Meanwhile, the lowlife deadbeats wasting away in the concrete jungle are picked off by a mysterious beast with a taste for flesh…

Dark, visceral and lacking any cinematic gloss, Outcast adds a smattering of gritty social realism to its fantastical predator and prey plot. The Edinburgh estate is in a state of disrepute; a grey wasteland of smashed windows, graffiti-ed walls and uncouth chavs - among them Karen "Amy Pond" Gillan in a pre-Who supporting role - who doss about on the swings while their parents drink themselves into an early grave. It’s an unpleasant sight, but it at least makes a change from seeing all the prettiest young starlets getting picked off in their lush New York skyscrapers.

Much to his mother’s stern disapproval, emotionless Fergal starts an awkward romance with Petronella (Stanbridge), an independent girl from the estate with a sharp head on her shoulders. The pair have nothing in common and they seem to spend half their time together in awkward silence, but I can imagine these kind of desperate, chemistry-devoid unions take place all the time when there’s nothing better to do than hang at the park smoking.

Despite his star quality, Cold Feet’s Nesbitt delivers an unglamorous turn as the gruff and unlikeable Cathal, a mystically tattooed brute who snaps crows’ necks to work his wicca magic and locate Mary for a predictable climatic showdown which ties the film’s three key threads together: who is the monster, why is Cathal so intent on dispatching a woman long gone from his life, and what was the purpose of Mary keeping Fergal and Petronella apart?

The CGI beastie is often obscured in shadow (for budgetary reasons I’m sure), but when it does eventually grace the film in all its hideous supernatural glory, it looks like a long snouted, green-skinned werewolf. It’s too lanky to be particularly scary, but it does its job without being laughed off the screen. Elsewhere, Outcast goes all out to achieve a top shelf rating, splattering the pavement in as much gore as possible and even subjecting the game Dickie and Bruton to gratuitous nude shots. Blimey - these people really are Shameless!


In a CR@B Shell: Rough around the edges and not at all pretty, but Outcast is a gritty and atmospheric low budget effort which deserves more than the one star mauling genre fanboys SFX subjected it to.
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A Fate Worse Than Destiny

Cine Review: THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU
12A – 106mins – 2011
Screenplay by: George Nolfi
Based on “The Adjustment Team” written by: Philip K. Dick
Directed by: George Nolfi
Starring: Matt Damon, Emily Blunt, Anthony Mackie, John Slattery, Michael Kelly, Terence Stamp
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This is exactly the type of film I usually adore, but even the trailer didn’t grab me as anything special. My primary issue was that I found the central premise of “being on the run from your own destiny” to be incredibly cheesy, and yet I went to see it regardless. You see, when you’ve got a Cineworld Unlimited card and you don’t hand over nearly £10 per visit, you’re less fussy about what you watch on the big screen. And taking a risk can sometimes change your life. Which in a roundabout way is what The Adjustment Bureau is all about…

For the majority of this loose George Nolfi adaptation of a Philip K. Dick short story I was adequately content, even though the science fiction element plays second fiddle to the love story between “people’s politician” David Norris (Damon) and playful ballerina Elise Selles (Blunt). The lead actors spark fantastically and their banter feels authentic; it’s love at first sight. However, fate has another agenda and portal-hopping, hat-wearing members of the eponymous team set about “correcting” destiny so the pair never sees each other again.

Why? Because everything happens for a reason in the grand scheme of things, provided the omnipotent “Chairman” (an unseen, God-like master) wants it to. Otherwise his bureaucratic “angels” are dispatched to make subtle but influential changes which will affect your life for the good of the scheme without you ever knowing. The predicament is, after not missing his bus and turning up to work ten minutes earlier than he should have – catching the bureaucrats in action – David now knows, and he’s a determined individual who won’t give up on the love of his life without a chase.

The problem with these mind-bending, intellectual thrillers (Inception likewise springs to mind) is that their fantastical, futuristic premises are so mired in their own rules, that they can all-too easily fall apart if you think about them too logically. The agents of fate are so unattached to humanity that they repeatedly send millions of people to their death – so why do they risk their entire covert operation by revealing themselves to David, instead of erasing his mind instantly? Other than the film ending after five minutes, it seems like an almighty risk for the sake of one life, regardless of his political potential.

Furthermore, agent Richardson (Slattery) warns David that if he ever utters a word of their existence to anyone, his mind will instantly be wiped. Yet even when David does eventually disclose all to Elise, all he has to do is knock one of them out, pop on a piece of portal-jumping headgear and go on the run. From an omnipotent power?! Hmmm… The team seem far too incompetent to wield such power, with a rogue agent (Mackie) even actively going against his orders and assisting David just because he feels bad for him!! And our lives are in his over-sentimental hands? Chairman help us…


In a CR@B Shell: The romantic aspect and “fate versus free will” debate sizzling under the thrilling surface are entertaining enough, but when the plot hinges on such loose reasoning, it’s hard to suspend disbelief and take the jump into The Adjustment Bureau.
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Like Moths to a Flame

DVD Review: SKYLINE
15 – 88mins – 2010
Written by: Joshua Cordes and Liam O'Donnell
Directed by: Colin and Greg Strause
Starring: Eric Balfour, Scottie Thompson, Donald Faison, Brittany Daniel, Crystal Reed, David Zayas, Neil Hopkins, Robin Gammell
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Some films are so heavily documented during pre-production that you even know who the friggin' dish washer in the crew canteen was before you’ve seen a cell of footage or word of dialogue. The Hobbit and The Dark Knight Rises are two recent examples of overexposure caused by internet buzz. Sometimes, however, it’s nice to be caught off guard; to be wowed by a spectacular trailer to a film you’re completely clueless about. This was how I was introduced to Skyline; a smile flourishing across my face as what looked to be a union of Independence Day and Cloverfield played out in front of me.

Of course I’ve been caught out by this “tease(r) of hope” before. Indeed, Skyline’s directorial duo The Brother’s Strause previewed their debut feature Alien vs Predator: Requiem splendidly, only for the finished film to be overly-dark, legacy-soiling dross. But I had hope for their latest release – after all, it couldn’t be any worse than AvP2…. Right?

The critics, alas, were not kind to Skyline, and I feared another sci-fi dud from the sibling’s who made their name as special effects gurus before taking the leap to auteurs. But – hallelujah – Skyline did not disappoint! Okay, yes, so the alien invasion story told through the eyes of the “common man” does owe a debt of gratitude to Cloverfield, while the hovering motherships and techno-organic extraterrestrials do bring District 9’s “prawns” to mind, but Skyline is a slick genre production in its own right, regardless of comparisons.

The reason for the people-hoovering invasion is hinted at but never spelled out, while the military retaliation against the light-emitting, human enticing foes is only seen from afar, as a group of survivors – including Turk from Scrubs, aka Donald Faison, and Six Feet Under’s Eric Balfour – hide, plan, escape then retreat from the mysterious threat.

An underground car park getaway provides the jaw-dropping personal highlight in a story which trickles along agreeably, only stalling slightly as the group are forced back into their apartment yet again, while the climatic peak within the bestial Alien-alike chamber of semi-conscious bodies does feel like a bit of a stretch. However, I appreciate the risk for attempting a character arc between Balfour and girlfriend Scottie Thompson.

The forthcoming DVD and Blu-ray package includes a deluge of insight from the Strauss brother’s and the writing double act of Cordes and O'Donnell in a pair of feature-length commentary tracks, as well as bonus commentaries on a number of deleted and extended scenes. Personally, the added character insight these scenes reveals would have benefited the feature – which at just 88minutes including credits was hardly overburdened with flab – but Skyline still works as the sleek and streamlined treat it is.


In a CR@B Shell: The only way was up after the disaster that was AvP2, and Skyline is just that – both literally and metaphorically. Colin and Greg Strause have delivered a taut and glossy sci-fi mini-epic which is inspired without being derivative.
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Braid New World

Cine Review: TANGLED (3D)
PG – 100mins – 2011
Screenplay by: Dan Fogelman
Based on the Brother’s Grimm fairytale
Directed by: Nathan Greno and Byron Howard
Starring the voice talents of: Mandy Moore , Zachary Levi, Donna Murphy, Ron Perlman, M. C. Gainey, Jeffrey Tambor, Brad Garrett, Paul F. Tompkins, Richard Kiel
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Disney has once again done what Disney does best and weaved its enchanting animated extensions into the roots of an age-old fairytale. In case my hair-related puns weren’t a big enough clue, lengthy-locked Rapunzel becomes the iconic studio’s fiftieth big screen Princess, but the first to be rendered in 3D (unless you count line-drawing-made-flesh Giselle from Enchanted, which I don't).

But adding a dazzling third dimension isn’t the only way director’s Greno and Howard have brought the Brother’s Grimm classic fable into the twenty-first century – this golden girl’s got attitude. Kidnapped at birth by wizened old hag Mother Gothel (Murphy) and locked away in a doorless tower for 18 years, regal Rapunzel (Moore) – with hair magically indebted with the power to defying the aging process – is a surprisingly creative, sassy and independent teen for one so unworldly wise.

Whiling away her youth painting, cleaning and singing to her only friend (a mute but humorously responsive chameleon called Pascal), Rapunzel dreams of her crushingly protective “mother” letting her out to see the glorious gathering of floating lights which each year mark the lost princess’s birthday. She is finally given that opportunity when runaway thief Flynn Rider (Levi) hides in the tower to escape capture and begrudgingly agrees to be the frying pan-wielding gal’s guide in the outside world, in exchange for the stolen crown which Rapunzel has confiscated from the scoundrel.

Pursued by an ever-increasing band of adversaries, including the evil Gothel, the kingdom’s guards, Flynn’s doubled-crossed cronies and a stubbornly persistent horse, the dashing rogue opens Rapunzel’s innocent eyes to the beauty of the world outside her stone prison, while the bold blonde beauty predictably opens Flynn’s heart to love – and an honest life. Ahhhh, well it had to end happily ever after, didn’t it?

The considerable changes to the parable (which told of how the witch tricked the Prince into climbing the tower before Rapunzel can escape) open up the story – and the lush, painterly animation – splendidly, granting feisty Rapunzel a freedom like never before, while the decision to make the charming male lead a vagrant adds a mischievous edge to the clean-cut formula.

Mandy Moore as the oblivious Princess particularly impressed me, bringing a sweet yet spunky delivery to Rapunzel’s optimistic dialogue. Bravo to scripter Dan Fogelman for nailing the confident, modern-day teen routine. Ultimately, Tangled does a far better job of juggling the timeless yet contemporary elements than Disney’s last fairytale outing, 2009’s The Princess and the Frog, which just felt far too old fashioned in its attempts to be traditional.


In a CR@B Shell: The Mouse House’s latest beauty and the thief adventure won’t have you pulling your hair out at any embarrassing attempts at fashionable funnies; Tangled is a classic fable which loses none of its magic in staying relevant to its modern audience.
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Rude Slob and the Dweebs

Cine Review: PAUL
15 – 104mins – 2011
Written by: Simon Pegg and Nick Frost
Directed by: Gregg Mottola
Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Seth Rogan (voice), Kristen Wiig, Jason Bateman, Bill Hader, Joe Lo Truglio, Blythe Danner, Sigourney Weaver, John Carroll Lynch, David Koechner, Jesse Plemons, Jeffrey Tambor
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Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are geeks. Big time geeks. And proud of it. They’ve never been afraid to wear their obsessions and influences on their branded T-shirts and pack their screenplays full of more nods and winks than a Paul W. S. Anderson cliché-fest (see HERE), but without alienating – oooh, I made a funny – the cool kids. I know all too well I’m not one of those fly boys, because I was chuckling away at even the most trivial sci-fi references in their latest comedy romp Paul.

Paul is an alien. He looks just like you’d expect an alien to look: large domed head, bug eyes, a gap where a nose should be and a frail grey body. But what you may not expect is that Paul is a rude, English-speaking stoner with a penchant for bad language. Despite playing an alien, Seth Rogen voices the extra tourettes-rial with little adjustment to his usual loutish, lazy persona. It takes some time for this incongruity between voice and character to sit comfortably, but once it does you’ll be giggling away like you’ve shared a toke yourself.

The Shaun of the Dead duo play Graeme and Clive, two genre-obsessed BFF’s who follow up a trip to the San Diego Comic Con with a road trip around America ’s most illustrious alien hot spots. Witnessing a late night car crash, the pair investigates to make sure the driver is uninjured, and it is here they pick up a third buddy who quickly invades their space (I’m on fire today!!) and joins their cross country campervan excursion.

You see, Paul has escaped from Area 51 after 60 years of scientific examinations and helping influence some of the film industries biggest names with realistic Martian storylines (this inspires a hilarious flash back to an early ‘80s phone conversation between Paul and a certain Steven Spielberg, who needs some help with a little project called ET). But now the little grey man has out-lasted his usefulness to the government, and he eschews their plan to dissect his brain by doing a runner.

Now the trio of social outcasts have a host of special agents (Bateman, playing against type), less-than-special agents (Hader and Truglio), homophobic truckers (Koechner and Plemons) and the disgruntled daddy (Carroll Lynch) of a Christian gal (Wiig) they inadvertently kidnapped on their tail as they attempt to get Paul to the pick-up point where his mothership will come to collect him.

The in-jokes are fast and furious (“Boring conversation anyway”, “Where we’re going you won’t need… teeth”), the humour laddishly dumb, and Pegg and Frost rely far too heavily on childish amalgamated profanities to get cheap giggles, and yet Paul works. Even if you don’t know that the line “Get away from her you bitch” is ripped straight out of Aliens, you do know that “The Big Guy” (Weaver) played the iconic Ripley (right?!), and Paul is such a light, carefree and relentlessly silly caper that you’ll find something to chuckle over, regardless of your geek credentials.


In a CR@B Shell: It’s Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind as Pegg and Frost do America – and a fair bit of idol worship – in this Spaced-out road trip which revels in its genre’s obsessiveness but doesn’t kick mainstream comedy fans to the kerb.
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Tackling Terror with Terror

DVD Review: UNTHINKABLE
18 – 97mins – 2010
Written by: Peter Woodward
Directed by: Gregor Jordan
Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Carrie-Ann Moss, Michael Sheen, Stephen Root, Martin Donovan, Gil Bellows, Brandon Routh, Lora Kojovic, Holmes Osborne, Joshua Harto
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Marketed like a more severe, extended episode of 24, but closer in tone to a thinking man’s Hostel, terrorist drama Unthinkable has lofty aspirations to deliver a “punch to the gut” reaction analogous to American History X by showcasing the shocking lengths (in-)humanity will stretch to if required. Simply put, things get ugly. Very quickly.

Samuel L. Jackson turns his sinister, bad-ass Lakeview Terrace persona up to 11, 000 as vigilante black ops interrogator "H", a man who takes the law into his own deranged hands to “inspire” a confession from terrorist prisoner – and Islamic convert – Steven Arthur Younger (Michael Sheen). Do the ends justify the torture porn means? Will Younger disclose the location of his three hidden nuclear bombs? Will FBI agent Carrie-Anne Moss fair any better with the hostage by following the letter of the law?

Peter Woodward’s script certainly blurs the boundaries better right and wrong, but it does begin to feel like it is forcibly goading controversy in its unconstitutional extremes. It is also a pity that Younger is so unemotionally resigned to his fate that you never pity the prisoner, therefore lessening the grand lesson. Ultimately, this psychological thriller thinks itself far more intelligent than it actually is.


In a CR@B Shell: Rogue government agents, terrorists and religious extremists – Unthinkable goes all out to insight debate, but in its obsession to stir as many pots as possible it strives too hard and fails to answer any of the moral quandaries it presents.
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The Devil Rides Elevata

DVD Review: DEVIL
15 – 77mins – 2010
Story by: M. Night Shyamalan
Screenplay by: Brian Nelson
Directed by: John Erick Dowdle
Starring: Chris Messina, Logan Marshall-Green, Jenny O'Hara, Bojana Novakovic, Bokeem Woodbine, Geoffrey Arend, Jacob Vargas, Matt Craven, Joshua Peace
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In the first in a proposed collection of “Night Chronicles”, five strangers – each with a less than honest past – are stranded together in a broken-down elevator cart within a Philadelphia skyscraper. But as the lights flicker and time creeps by without rescue, inexplicable injuries befall the restless quintet as the possibility dawns on them that one of them may be hiding their true identity… One of them may well be the devil in disguise.

From swooping and dizzying topsy-turvy sweeps of the Philadelphia cityscape to the claustrophobic confinement of the impromptu judgement, Devil is a tight and stylish little horror mystery-come-twisted morality tale. I say little not because I’m demeaning the scope of the film, but because with the credits rolling at a brusque 72 minutes, there is little room for filler in this minimalist yarn.

Not that audiences should necessarily feel short-changed, because the karmic element of the story is competently concluded and knits the various characters storylines together expertly: “Everything happens for a reason” as Ramirez (Jacob Vargas), the deeply religious security guard-come-narrator sermonizes. However, the desire for concision does at times cut short any exploration of the paranormal activity, and more could have been made of the inexhaustible concept.

With a ghostly image of a shrieking face appearing momentarily on the building’s CCTV monitor, a bandaged figure flickering fleetingly in the match-light, and one of the imprisoned (Bojana Novakovic) being inflicted with what appears to be a bite mark, it is a shame that writer Brian Nelson didn’t aspire to explore these intriguing phenomena, beyond the obvious (but hardly lucid) explanation that the devil is among us and teasing us with his power.

Furthermore, the Prince of Darkness is often frequently referred to as a shape-shifter, but we never witness this ostentatious ability, while there is no satisfying justification to Ramirez’s inclusion in the story, other than to advocate his (occasionally derisory) superstitious myth from the sideline. But then we were already aware of his beliefs from his recurrent voiceovers… Everything happens for a reason, hey?

Despite these grumbles, Devil still provides an adequately tense hour-and-a-bit, and with the writer of the fantastic 30 Days of Night adap and the director of Hollywood rehash Quarantine, there’s certainly a good genre pedigree behind the camera, even if they have previously worked from other people’s properties.

But then the same is also true here, with Devil’s idea hatched from the mind of the once untouchable M. Night Shyamalan (yep Night Chronicles, geddit?), himself inspired by the South American folktale of “The Devil’s Meeting”. So, hardly an original background to the scares then, but thank the Antichrist there’s not a mood-dampening killer plant in sight.


In a CR@B Shell: With a story as tight as the lift in which the central characters find themselves cocooned, Devil is a short, sharp, supernatural thrill ride which reaches its destination before you’ve scarcely had time to acclimatise to your surroundings.
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Great Barrier Grief

DVD Review: THE REEF
15 – 84mins – 2010
Written by: Andrew Traucki
Directed by: Andrew Traucki
Starring: Damian Walshe-Howling, Zoe Naylor, Adrienne Pickering, Gyton Grantley, Kieran Darcy-Smith
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Despite the honking great fin and obligatory Jaws-referencing pull quote which grace the cover of Andrew Traucki's second film (and second water-based thriller), the Great White killing machine which plagues and plays with the troubled holiday-makers in this Australian survival thriller doesn't actually show up until over 43 minutes in – that's more than halfway through the film! But then, The Reef is based on true events, so the auteur's restraint in not diving straight to the shark-shaped money shots does aid the realism factor.

Of course, it is no doubt also a monetary issue, given the tight budget the low-key crew were working from. But that only makes the ever-present tension bubbling under the surface all the more impressive, as the capsized comrades make the difficult decision of whether to stay atop their sinkin' n' driftin' yacht or risk their luck in the deep blue sea and swim for the safety of land.

Effectively filmed by splicing together the close-up, shaky-cam footage of the water-treading actors with real shark shots and a minimum of post-production giggery-pokery, The Reef delivers the requisite jolts and scares despite a rather obvious tragedy-tinged plot (anyone who has seen Open Water or Adrift will know exactly what to expect). Nevertheless, the harrowing ordeal still leaves you thankful to be on dry land.


In a CR@B Shell: Chilling and authentic, The Reef may not revolutionise the underwater predator genre, but it stays afloat admirably amid a school of bigger-budgeted beasties.
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Even Bigger Daddies

DVD Review: GROWN UPS
12 – 98mins – 2010
Written by: Adam Sandler and Fred Wolf
Directed by: Dennis Dugan
Starring: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, Rob Schneider, Salma Hayek, Maria Bello, Maya Rudolph, Joyce Van Patten, Ebony Jo-Ann, Steve Buscemi, Colin Quinn, Blake Clarke
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[SPOILERS] Five childhood friends, who claimed an unprecedented victory for their high school basketball team some 30 years ago, are reunited in the present day to attend the funeral and spread the ashes of their former coach, Bobby “Buzzer” Ferdinando (Blake Clarke). Because of course the man’s family would be more than happy to have nothing to do with his send-off…

Staying for the weekend in the wooden cabin where they used to party, the five separated buddies – accompanied by their wives, girlfriends and offspring – reconnect like in the good old days and come to realise that, despite moving on in vastly disparate directions, getting high powered jobs, falling in love and starting families (some more successfully than others), that their childhood bond is still strong. “Boys will be boys”, as the clichéd tagline cries, no matter how old they are.

It sounds like a pleasant enough central theme, but this Happy Madison production is far too generic to leave an impression. Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade and Rob Schneider play predictable extensions of themselves, while the laughs feel neutered and less cutting than in previous outings, despite a barrage of laddish pun-derived banter (mainly aimed at Schneider’s eco-healing granny-lover).

Sure, as the weekend progresses lessons are learnt – snobbish children learn to love nature as much as their PlayStations, fashionista wives (Salma Hayek) tame their inflated egos and grudge-holding rivals (Colin Quinn) get a long overdue rematch – it’s just a pity that writers Sandler and Fred SNL Wolf didn’t learn restraint in driving home their funniest gags, with a breast-feeding joke in particular being suckled completely dry.


In a CR@B Shell: Chaotic and shallow, Grown Ups delivers exactly the kind of repetitive, immature hi-jinx you’d expect from an Adam Sandler film running in neutral. Just when will this big daddy start acting his age?
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Canyon Believe It?

Cine Review: 127 HOURS
15 – 94mins – 2011
Screenplay by: Danny Boyle and Simon Beaufoy
Based on the book Between a Rock and a Hard Place by: Aron Ralston
Directed by: Danny Boyle
Starring: James Franco, Kate Mara, Amber Tamblyn
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Having tackled gritty urban drama (Trainspotting), horror (28 Days Later), science fiction (Sunshine) and coming-of-age romance (Slumdog Millionaire) over the last 15 years, eclectic - and not to mention award-winning - director Danny Boyle gets to grips with yet another diverse genre with his latest big screen tour de force: real life survival stories.

In 127 Hours Boyle and returning Slumdog composer A. R. Rahman conjure a quirky, wired style and effective use of split screen to bring the distressing true story of mountain climber Aron Ralston (James Franco) to life. The technical flourishes are advantageous to the drama as Aron spends ninety-nine percent of the film on his lonesome trapped in one static position in one claustrophobic location. It's a grim scenario for certain; his right arm crushed beneath an unshiftable boulder in an isolated crevice in Blue John Canyon near Moab, Utah.

Even from a third person perspective it's a tense and traumatic experience watching Aron while away the excruciating hours of desperation by procrastinating, innovating and hallucinating as hope of rescue fades and his food and water supplies run dangerously low. It's a remarkably inspiring display of willpower which will have you cringing and peeping through your fingers as one sickeningly unthinkable option becomes evermore liable... and vitally necessary.

Based as this film is on Aron's published memoir of his ordeal, we already know he will survive, against all odds, but regardless of the "happily ever after" this observational document is still gripping and al-arm-ing stuff (particularly that infamously vivid scene), to the director and star's credit. We truly get an unguarded view inside Aron's tortured headspace as he panics, ponders and prophesies from within his cavernous prison.


In a CR@B Shell: An artistic but respectfully tasteful representation of courage under boulder from a director who seems to excel at everything he turns his hand to. And no, I didn't set out to make a cheap limb jibe there... but I'm leaving it in.
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Pound Some Cunth

DVD Review: MACGRUBER
15 – 90mins – 2010
Written by: Will Forte, John Solomon, Jorma Taccone
Directed by: Jorma Taccone
Starring: Will Forte, Kristen Wiig, Ryan Phillippe, Val Kilmer, Powers Boothe, Maya Rudolph
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Imagine, if you dare, that Ace Ventura has called a day to his illustrious career as a critter cop and decided to become a mercenary special operative instead. And grow a mullet. Stranger things have happened (like Ace Ventura Jnr. for one… *shudder*). Alllllllllrighty then? Now you’ve got a pretty good idea of what to expect from MacGruber, and it sure ain’t Shakespeare.

Raucous lunacy would be an apposite phrase to use – but in a positive manner. Provided you’re prepared for an 80’s-spoofing action parody then you will have an absolute blast with this wise-cracking loose canon who has a rather distorted opinion of his own awesomeness and a penchant for repeating his favourite quips until they become catchphrases.

The single monikered one-man-army – the brainchild of former Saturday Night Live-er Will Forte, who also embodies the character – is brought out of self-imposed exile (à la When Nature Calls) to stop a dangerous nuclear arms dealer (Val Kilmer) who just so happens to be the same Cunth (yep, that’s really his name: Dieter Von Cunth) who blew up MacGruber’s wife-to-be (Maya Rudolph) on their wedding day.

Admittedly, not every gag hits the spot, but there are so many thrown at the screen that some were bound to fly by unnoticed. However, those that do work will seriously have you howling. Personal favourites of this CR@B include: the fate of MacGruber’s self-selected elite team of experts; his insistence on role-reversal dress-up; and his obsessive personally which sees him carry his treasured tape-playing car stereo everywhere and go bat-shit crazy at a motorist who innocently cuts him up.

Basically, MacGruber is one hell of a personality, and the film would have been an absolute disaster if Forte wasn’t so attuned to his unorthodox… baloney. Like Jim Carrey’s iconic pet detective, he’s a law unto himself but he somehow gets results and the girl (Kristen Wiig). His creative use of celery sticks and spur-of-the-moment “plans” (“That isn’t a plan then!” blasts Phillippe’s by-the-book rookie) are either nonsense or utter genius. Either way, they’re hilarious.

My initial apprehension that a more universally familiar actor such as Owen Wilson (admit it, they do look alike) would have helped carry the film more effectively was instantly alleviated. You’ll either hate MacGruber, or you’ll love to hate MacGruber, but rest assured that if the title of this review was enough to raise a puerile grin, then chances are you’ll wolf down this generous serving of Mac and cheese.


In a CR@B Shell: He’s armed and dangerous, but you wouldn’t trust him with a weapon. Luckily, MacGruber is such a tool he’s an American hero, and the same can be said for this hysterical send-up which is so bad it’s bad ass.
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Krazy, Krazy Knights

DVD Review: KNIGHT AND DAY – EXTENDED EDITION
12 – 112mins – 2010
Written by: Patrick O'Neill
Directed by: James Mangold
Starring: Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz, Peter Sarsgaard, Mark Blucas, Maggie Grace, Jordi Mollà, Viola Davis, Paul Dano
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Bright, boisterous and bullet-sprayed, Knight and Day's financiers (and Tom Cruise's agent) were seriously banking on this globe-trotting romp to propel the formerly untouchable sofa-jumping Scientologist back to the top of the Hollywood hot property ladder. Surprise, surprise, director James Mangold's flop-buster action flick crashed and burned like a pilot-less aeroplane emergency landing in a crop field. Oh well, there's always M:I4, Tom.

It's not hard to see why Knight and Day's content failed to make amends for the titular pun-ishment: for all of the fish-out-of-water “hilarity” of seeing excess baggage Cameron Diaz hauled unwillingly from exotic locale to exotic locale, this Six Days Seven Nights a-like game of cat-and-mouse drags on for far too long – but still they weigh down this home release with seven additional minutes.

Diaz's everywoman mechanic June Havens flips from trusting to framing Cruise's fugitive spy Roy Miller so often that you quickly lose interest in their campaign to save an eternal energy source from being sold on the black market, and when even a motorcycle chase along the streets of Spain amongst a herd of stampeding bulls doesn't grab you by the horns, you know that this really is one mission incongruous.


In a CR@B Shell: Like an expensive vacation you just want to leave early, Knight and Day packs in so many of the richest ingredients that you switch off from the pretty landscapes and ballsy adventuring and just long to be back in the comfort of a better film.
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Scarelift

DVD Review: FROZEN
15 – 93mins – 2010
Written by: Adam Green
Directed by: Adam Green
Starring: Emma Bell, Shawn Ashmore, Kevin Zegers, Ed Ackerman, Rileah Vanderbilt, Kane Hodder, Adam Johnson, Chris York, Peder Melhuse
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Three friends. Five nights. Forty feet in the air. Temperatures dropping below zero. One chairlift. No way out. This is the terrifying situation which college-goers Parker O’Neil ( Bell ), Joe Lynch (Ashmore) and Dan Walker (Zegers) find themselves in when a series of miscommunications lead the staff at Mount Holliston ski resort to close down for the week in director Adam Hatchet Green’s ultimate endurance test.

What starts out as irritation at the “malfunctioning” ski lift quickly snowballs into panic and desperation as the lights go out and realisation dawns that nobody knows they are still up there. What do you do: Wait for help? Scream until you’re hoarse? Climb? Jump? Freeze to death?! All of these scenarios present themselves to the fraught and freezing trio as day turns to night, frostbite sets in, wild wolves circle below and tensions rise as all hope of rescue fades.

Although Frozen is designated a horror film, and horrible things do happen in it, I deem it would be better described as a tragic character piece. Relating to the livelihoods of the three main players and associating with their pain as their situation worsens is paramount to enjoying this film (if indeed “enjoying” is the appropriate word for such a gloomy and disheartening tale); their nuances and personalities are well portrayed by the little known actors and they feel like real people in a really horrendous predicament.

The wolves, too, are real wolves, not CGI beasties. Their movements are natural and their behaviour believable, which makes their actions all the more gruesome. Furthermore, the small scale and minimalist feel of the film, as well as the less glossy finish to this low-budget effort, all accumulate to its advantage: this isn’t a cheesy and implausibly farfetched shocker, this could happen to you!


In a CR@B Shell: A tense and distressing rough-edged chiller with three remarkably authentic lead performances which will have you Frozen to the edge of your seat – just don’t fall off, whatever you do!!
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