Hell's Playground

Blu Review: NIGHT OF THE DEMONS
18 – 92mins – 2010
Screenplay by: Jane Anderson and Adam Gierasch
Based on the 1988 film written by: Joe Augustyn
Directed by: Adam Gierasch
Starring: Shannon Elizabeth, Monica Keena, Edward Furlong, John F. Beach, Michael Copon, Diora Baird, Bobbi Sue Luther, Irina Beskaravaynaya, Jamie Harris
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It wasn't until looking up the cast and crew info on IMDb that I realised that this all-guts-no-glory splatter flick is actually a remake of a late eighties frightener of the same name. I'd never heard of it (or its two low-end follow-ups), but it was obviously memorable enough for someone to want to film it anew. Clearly this recent rock n' roll reimagining didn't have quite the same impact, as despite a tentative theatrical run in the third quarter of 2009, it was shelved for a year and released straight to DVD in time for the following Halloween.

It's an obvious time to market any horror flick, but Night of the Demons does at least actually take place on All Hallows Eve. After a stylised sepia-toned silent movie-riffing prologue set on October 31st 1925 sees a party piece séance bring forth a horde of possessive satanic nasties, the film fast forwards to the same house in the present day; abandoned since the supernatural tragedy, until feisty Angela (American Pie's Elizabeth) rents out the sinister property to host a rawkin' Halloween party for all the fittest girls and hunkiest boys on the block.

Victory Loves Preparation

DVD Review: THE MECHANIC
15 – 88mins – 2011
Screenplay by: Richard Wenk and Lewis John Carlino
Based on the 1972 film written by: Lewis John Carlino
Directed by: Simon West
Starring: Jason Statham, Ben Foster, Tony Goldwyn, Donald Sutherland, Jeff Chase, Mini Anden, James Logan, John McConnell
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[SPOILERS] A conventional and unspectacular remake of a 70s action-thriller from the Death Wish duo of Charles Bronson and director Michael “Calm down, dear” Winner, The Mechanic 2011 is exactly what you expect from a film headlined by the star of The Transporter; its taut runtime exploding with a salvo of hit men, guns, cars, babes, fist fights and stunts – played out by a bunch of cold-hearted thugs who would sooner strike you than strike up a conversion.

Statham plays the eponymous Arthur Bishop, for whom connivance and compassion are foreign concepts. He’s an elite gun-for-hire who “fixes” his clients’ problems by making wanted men’s deaths look like accidents. However, the assassin starts to develop a conscience when his next target is his mentor and only friend, Harry McKenna (Sutherland), whose wayward son Steve (Foster) Arthur decides to take under his wing and teach the tricks of his undercover trade.

Foster – who very much reminded me of Ryan Half Nelson Gosling – does a convincing turn as the hot-headed and impulsive waster for whom Arthur has a remarkable amount of patience. Arthur is tied by a sense of duty to his deceased comrade (which, of course, contradicts the fact it was him who pulled the trigger), but Steve really pushes his luck with his mutinous antics in lethal scenarios. You really do wonder why a pro of Arthur’s calibre would risk his reputation by leaving his assignments in the hands of an undependable student.

Considering the clean and delicate nature of their shady business (most of which involves being an invisible-but-deadly presence), the climactic manhunt for the Mechanic’s corrupt Agency chief Dean (Goldwyn) is a surprisingly ostentatious carnival of violence and destruction – on the streets of New Orleans in the middle of the day! Clearly all composure and cunning fly out the window (and abseil down a skyscraper) when you discover your boss is a dangerous double-crossing deviant. Dishonesty? In their line of work? Who would have thunk it?!

But any hope that working together to eliminate a common target would unify our pair of trigger-happy protagonists is but a pipe dream in the viewer’s imagination, as Steve learns the truth about Arthur’s role in his father’s murder and sets out to avenge his death. Three explosions but zero character development (in fact, if anything, Arthur regresses to a new immoral low) see this run-of-the-mill thriller go out with a visual bang – but a severe lack of substance means the adrenaline soon fades, alongside any memory of The Mechanic.


In a CR@B Shell: Playing a minor variation on his renowned underworld delivery driver, Statham was a predictable choice for the lead – and this is The Mechanic’s biggest glitch: it’s too content playing to type that it fails to evolve or astonish. Simon West’s remake is loud, watchable but ultimately forgettable post-pub pap.
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Mr Sandman Dream Me a Death

DVD Review: A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
18 – 92mins – 2010
Written by: Wesley Strick and Eric Heisserer
Based on characters created by: Wes Craven
Directed by: Samuel Bayer
Starring: Jackie Earle Haley, Rooney Mara, Kyle Gallner, Katie Cassidy, Thomas Dekker, Kellan Lutz, Clancy Brown, Connie Britton
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Having posted THIS cathartic rage-dump review of his feelings towards the 21st century reimagining of the 80's most iconic dream-stalking child molester (competition was fierce in that category, let me tell you), Mr. Downie of Thom's House of Words is going to be mighty aggrieved to read that I didn't find this Michael Bay-produced offering to be wholly disagreeable. But then it has been so long since I watched Wes Craven's 1984 original horror hit that I can scarcely remember the details vividly enough to draw an accurate comparison.

I am reliably informed that the story is by-and-large identical: a group of high school kids are terrorised in their dreams by a fedora-wearing maniac with a deformed face and razor-sharp hand wear, who has the ability to not only kill them in their sub-conscious, but kill them for real. Where 2010's A Nightmare on Elm Street breaks away from the source material is in its elaboration upon Freddy Kreuger's (Jackie Earle Haley) origin story. Remake scribes Wesley Strick and Eric Heisserer's have bulked-up his base biography and visualised flashbacks to the monster's days as a pre-school caretaker with an immoral secret.

It's dark and disturbing stuff which doesn't sit particularly well alongside the more fantastical boogieman slasher flick elements, but the attempt to further demonise the striped jumper-wearing foe (who became something of a camp quipper by the tail end of the sequels) is totally justified. I will admit to being impressed by the slick link made to folk tale The Pied Piper of Hamelin, where the multi-coloured instrumentalist kidnapped the children of the German town as vengeance for being cheated by their parents. Here, Kreuger was hunted down and burned alive for his sickening indecency by the children's rightfully outraged 'rents.

“One, two, Freddy's coming for you...”

As the line between reverie and reality becomes blurred for determined but sleep-deprived classmates Nancy (Rooney The Social Network Mara) and Quentin (Kyle Gallner), there's no telling when Freddy will materialise, leaving them (and us) constantly on edge, a point further enhanced by the vulnerable hopelessness of being completely at his mercy in his world. How do you kill a man who is already dead? How do you stay awake long enough to formulate a plan?

Whether Elm Street needed revisiting is something of a moot point: all the most lucrative franchises are milked to death in this current cinematic climate. Whether this new Nightmare is simply a case of dressing up an already decent enough cult classic in glossy modern day clothing, I'm sadly not disposed to comment. I will, nevertheless, close by saying that I wasn't completely won-over by Jackie Earle Haley. For all the impressive prosthetics, CGI-aided wounds, and even wearing the iconic costume, he still isn't Freddy Kreuger. Robert Englund made the role his own and Haley – for all his unquestionable ability – can only be a pretender to the fedora.


In a CR@B Shell: When viewed independently of the original, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2010 is a decently sleek and creepy slasher movie with a wickedly spirited premise. Of course it isn't remotely original, but I've seen far worse, far lazier and far more futile efforts in this remake-infatuated era.
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"Special" Interest

DVD Review: DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS
12 – 114mins – 2010
Screenplay by: David Guion, Michael Handelman
Based on Le Dîner de Cons, written by: Francis Veber
Directed by: Jay Roach
Starring: Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, Zach Galifianakis, Jermaine Clement, Stephanie Szostak, Lucy Punch, David Walliams, Kristen Shaal, Bruce Greenwood
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Bandwagon-jumping, idea-nabbing Hollywood remakes of cult foreign language films are always at risk of missing the je ne sais quoi which made the originals so exceptional, more interested are they in racking up the A-list stars and splashing the budget on extravagant spectacle. But Jay Roach’s adaptation of Francis Veber's Le Dîner de Cons (1998) was in particular danger of falling flat on its identity-stealing face, given the delicate nature of the French flick’s farcical comedy.

If screenwriters David Guion and Michael Handelman were too gentle on the mean-spirited jibes they would be accused of undercooking the ludicrously disreputable premise, but if they went too far with the pointing and laughing they would tout controversy for picking on easy targets. Consequently, they served up a Dinner which was neither too hot or too cold; playing up the weirdness factor for easy laughs, but downplaying the discrimination by making everyone a schmuck.

Paul Rudd plays mild-mannered Tim, a promotion-desperate business man who is invited to a corporate dinner with a difference. Each employee must bring a “special” guest to the company’s annual “Dinner for Winners”, in a bid to impress the snootily bourgeois executives with the biggest buffoon they can find. See, I wasn’t joking when I used the words “ludicrously disreputable” and “mean-spirited”.

Enter Date Night’s Steve Carell as timid IRS agent Barry, a bespectacled, dead-mouse-diorama-making easy target in an anorak and slacks. A man who – for all his most well-meaning intentions – leaves a trail of utter chaos in his wake. Tim believes Barry is the perfect guest to help him win promotion from his vile, bullying boss (Bruce Greenwood), but over the course of the next 24 hours, simpleton Barry first dismantles Tim’s life, then wins him over with his kind heart and naïve virtuosity.

Predictably, the tasteless dinner provides the menagerie of “idiotic” guests – a blind fencer, a vulture lover, a pet psychic, a beard-growing champion – a chance to turn the tables on the sniggering bigots who look down on them. But for all of the over-the-top absurdities which befall the hapless characters, Carell evokes a sympathetic light on sad sap Barry, and you never catch yourself laughing at him, only with. As such, Dinner of Schmucks never offends like it might so easily have done, with every character coming off as unhinged as any other.

On a final note, the film's comedic cast is particularly remarkable, given its eccentric mixture of cross-Atlantic talent, with Rudd, Carell and The Hangover's Zach Galifianakis rubbing shoulders with the UK's very own David Little Britain Walliams, Chris The IT Crowd O'Dowd and Lucy Vexed Punch. French-born cutie Stephanie Szostak and New Zealand's Jermaine Clements continue the multi-culturally flavoured platter, while the latter's wide-eyed Flight of the Conchords co-star Kristin Shaal also makes a foreseeably kooky turn. But then kooky is the dish of the day at this Dinner.


In a CR@B Shell: Sympathy replaces cruelty in this lightweight remake which revels in its zany ensemble of Schmucks and makes fools of us all, so at least we don't feel quite so guilty about having a giggle.
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Prison Monkeys

Blu Review: THE EXPERIMENT
15 – 96mins – 2010
Screenplay by: Paul Scheuring
Based on the novel “Black Box” by Mario Giordano, and the film Das Experiment (2001)
Directed by: Paul Scheuring
Starring: Adrien Brody, Forest Whitaker, Cam Gigandet, Clifton Collins Jnr., Ethan Cohn, Damien Leake, Travis Fimmel, David Banner, Fisher Stevens and Maggie Grace
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Eight years ago now, whilst I was away studying at university, a housemate of mine introduced me to a German film called Das Experiment (2001). He promised me that I would be utterly engrossed yet equally appalled by the psychological terrorism employed by the characters – a group of strangers being paid to take part in the titular study – and it would really make me question the term “humanity”. He wasn't wrong.

Almost a decade later and Hollywood has belatedly done what Hollywood does best (ahem) and remade a foreign language film which never needed to be remade, drafting in big name stars (Adrien Brody, Forest Whitaker) and well known faces (Maggie Lost Grace, Cam The O.C. Gigandet, Fisher Short Circuit Stevens) to show their range in this cruel and gritty prison observation gone very, very wrong.

That being said, as the credits rolled on The Experiment, I was just as riled up and exasperated by the narrative as I was in my dorm room back in 2002: this adaptation loses none of its potency in the translation as the designated “guards” – among them mild-mannered Christian mummy's boy Barris (Whitaker) – see the power of authority go straight to their heads as their treatment of the “inmates” – including recently unemployed carer Travis (Brody) – spirals into sadism.

It may seem incredulous that within 48 hours of the proposed 14 day study civility starts to crack as the guards enjoy their temporary authority a little too much, believing they can get away with whatever the hell they like providing the revered red light doesn't turn on and indicate that big brother is unhappy, but The Experiment bares a horrifically close resemblance to the real life 1971 Stanford prison experiment, itself likewise aborted just six days into a two week trial: this shit actually happened, people!

My initial reaction was that it seemed remiss of writer/director Paul Scheuring to not reveal study leader Archaleta's (Stevens) reasons for delaying the cancellation of his controversial research, especially after bullying and cruelty is asserted upon the “prisoners”; but in hindsight the director made the correct choice, plunging us too into the mock penal environment, forever looking to the red light for guidance.

Whether in German or English, The Experiment is a tortuous and difficult watch, there's no denying that. You'll pick your side and you'll question everything as common decency gets dunked down the toilet and your sense of guilt is shoved into solitary confinement all in the name of a $14,000 paycheck. Is it true what they say: are we all just animals in suits who will turn feral the minute law is placed in our greedy paws?


In a CR@B Shell: As psychotic as it is psychological, The Experiment is a brutally shocking Lord of the Flies for grown-ups. It will enrage and upset your moral code, but you won't be able to look away.
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Another Bite at the Zombie

DVD Review: NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1990)
18 – 92mins – 1990
Written by: George A. Romero
Based on the original film written by: George A. Romero and John Russo
Directed by: Tom Savini
Starring: Patricia Tallman, Tony Todd, Tom Towles, McKee Anderson, William Butler, Bill Mosley, Katie Finneran, Heather Mazur, Pat Logan
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Given the recent slew of ostentatious horror remakes of questionable necessity and debatable quality (Nightmare on Elm Street , Psycho, The Hitcher, My Bloody Valentine 3D, Prom Night – need I go on?), it is understandable that you would approach any modernization of a genre classic with great trepidation. Nonetheless, this early ‘90s adaptation of George A. Romero's hallowed Night of the Living Dead is certainly not to be groaned at, granting a modern audience who would have scoffed at the black and white, budget-conscious 1968 effects a reason to look over their shoulder as they visit the cemetery; they’re coming to get yooouuu, Generation X-Box!

Obviously, Night 1990 isn't in the same groundbreaking league as the archetypal original with which it shares its name, but it is still a spirited and claustrophobically chilling triumph. Tellingly, the remake wasn't a studio-enforced cash-in on the cult zombie brand, but had the full backing of the “Grandfather of the Dead”. Indeed, Romero co-produced and rewrote the script he originally worked on over two decades earlier with John Russo, while effects supremo Tom Savini – having previously lent his gory stylisation to Dawn... (1979) and Day of the Dead (1985), to much acclaim – got the chance to complete the trilogy (ish), and was even handed directing duties. Additionally, Romero roped in a lot of the team who helped him realise his 1968 vision to recapture the magic all over again.

The plot, for the most part, sticks to the original’s winningly simple outline: a small group of strangers hole up in a backwater Pennsylvanian dwelling to survive a paranormal onslaught as the recently deceased rise from the grave and go on an insatiable hunt for human flesh. More credible and repugnantly gory make-up aside, where Night 1990 differs most apparently is in the characterisation, particularly that of lead female Barbara (Patricia Babylon 5 Tallman), who was criticised in the original for being rather, well, useless (the shock of the supernatural scenario sends her into a state of shock for 90% of the film, which, apparently is sexist and demeaning to females everywhere). This time around she is a more proactive and dynamic heroine who is handier with a gun and more forthright.

A further derivation from its source material is the morning-after epilogue, which substitutes the genuine controversy of having survivor Ben (now played by Tony Candyman Todd) mistaken for a zombie and shot down by trigger-happy yokels,* for enforced ‘shock’. Returning to the house of horror, Barbara murders self-centred survivor and all-round arsehole Harry Cooper (Tom Towles) as he climbs down from his private attic hideaway, before informing the hicks “Here’s another one for the fire”. Now, don’t get me wrong, the man was a belligerent, wife-beating, unsupportive monster who definitely had it coming, but for Barbara to murder a human so callously seems somewhat out of character. I mean, there’s forthright, and there’s forthright! But, hey, I guess a night battling the Living Dead is somewhat disillusioning to a person’s sense of morality, and who am I to judge until I have been in her position?


CR@B Verdict: Drained of the Cold War allegory attributed to the revolutionary original, but a visually effective zombie horror nonetheless; Night 1990 revises the character flaws which besmirched the ‘60s classic without bastardising the Living Dead brand.
***.5
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* Racism? According to George, Ben was originally written as a white man and the part simply given to the best actor, Duane Jones, who happened to be black.

The Lord of the 300 Mummies: Return of the Kraken

Cine-review: CLASH OF THE TITANS
12A – 106mins – 2010
Written by: Travis Beacham, Phil Hay and Matt Manfredi
Adapted from the 1981 screenplay by: Beverley Cross
Directed by: Louis Leterrier
Starring: Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes, Tine Stapelfedt, Mads Mikkelsen, Luke Evans, Jason Flemming, Gemma Arterton, Hans Matheson, Pete Postlethwaite
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Well the good news is it isn’t as disastrously bad as the critics make out. The bad news is it still isn’t great. Put it this way: I can’t see Clash 2010 being as fondly remembered as Clash 1981 in 30 years time. But then, watching the original in recent weeks (it’s all about the research at The CR@B Shack), I failed to see why that is so fondly remembered either... Back to the present, and heeding prior warning I avoided the allegedly abysmal 3D ‘upgrade’ and stuck to good ole’ fashioned two dimensional viewing. I couldn’t pinpoint any scenes which would have benefited from an added dimension – but I suppose that’s because the film was never written or shot with 3D in mind…

Tweaking the intricacies of the original’s plot but still keeping – roughly – within the grandiose guidelines (though being truly flippant with Greek mythology), Louis Leterrier’s frenetic update sees demi-god-come-fisherman-come-mankind’s-saviour Perseus (Sam Worthington) leading a small army of warriors against a myriad of giant scorpions, deformed monsters (Jason Flemming as Calibos), sightless witches (see pic, above), the snake-haired Medusa and the beastly, sea-dwelling Kraken. Their quest is to evade the sacrifice of the Princess Andromeda (Alexa Davalos) and save the city of Argos, which has fallen foul of the god’s wrath after its inhabitants felled a statue of mighty Zeus (Liam Neeson, donning the shiniest of shiny armour).

Despite forming half of the battle, the Olympian god’s are – for the most part – relegated to cameo roles. For instance, I’m not even sure if Poseidon (played, according to imdb.com, by Danny Heuston!!) featured at all, because aside from Zeus and Hades, all the other gods are about as useful as marble statues; bland, speechless forms void of character that are ushered away the minute anything remotely interesting kicks off. Ralph Fiennes does well to embody slimy evil in the devilish and cursed character of Hades, but quite why a powerful and immortal god hobbles around like an aching octogenarian in a raggedy cloak is beyond me? Yes, I get that he has been tricked by Zeus into lording over the underworld, but if he has the power to apparate, fly and command the Kraken, then surely he can magic himself up a new outfit befitting a god?

A further niggle I have is the sheer pettiness of the god’s, who really should know better. With great power comes great responsibility – and a truly malevolence idea of 'appropriate' vengeance, apparently. I was especially infuriated at the epilogue when Zeus downplayed the entire saga and the deaths of thousands of innocent Argos civilians with a whimsical click of his fingers and cheeky smirk – if things were that easy to undo, then why put man through such pain and misery? Additionally, having ageless Io (Gemma Arteton) tag along as Perseus’s guardian-come-love-interest was an unnecessary alteration to the story (in the original he fell for Andromeda and went on to become king); her only purpose being narration and exposition.

Stylistically, the film struggles to find a unique aesthetic. It looks epic, but only because the sweeping mountainous landscapes recall The Lord of the Rings’s New Zealand locales, the roaming Argos army brings to mind the macho Spartan 300, the neon-blue-eyed, bark-skinned Djinn reek of The Mummy and the atrociously-computerised Medusa looks like the Scorpion King’s dead-eyed sister – but at least Stephen Sommers’s attempt at human-animal CGI characterisation has the excuse that it was rendered nearly a decade ago. As icing on the derivative cake, Titans had 3D (unnecessarily and unsuccessfully) tacked on in post-production simply to make a few extra bucks off the back of Avatar’s romping worldwide success. So, a wholly unoriginal remake – perhaps Cash-in of the Titans would have been a more fitting title?


CR@B Verdict: Swords, sandals, serpents, scorpions, sorcery and CGI – Clash of the Titans throws a lot at the screen in its decidedly un-epic running time, yet it still feels as hollow as a Djinn’s torso. A fun film, if flawed and ultimately forgettable.
***

Water Crazy Bunch o' Folk

Cine-review: THE CRAZIES
15 – 101 mins – 2010
Written by: Scott Kosar and Ray Wright
Directed by: Breck Eisner
Executive Producer: George A. Romero
Starring: Timothy Olyphant, Radha Mitchell, Joe Anderson, Danielle Panabaker
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A U.S. community is ravaged by a mysterious disease which turns the affable population into senseless drones with a penchant for horrific, unprovoked attacks, leaving a small band of survivors to battle against the murderous hordes and evade capture by a top secret military force hoping to contain the terror. Hmmmm, sound familiar? Then so should the name George A. Romero, the 'Father of the Living Dead', who didn't stray far from his winning zombie formula when he co-wrote and directed the 1973 B-movie The Crazies. Indeed, he remains close to his creation still, taking on the role of executive producer on this twenty-first century remake.

Ogden Marsh, Iowa is the friendly farming community left in ruins after a plane carrying a biological weapon crash lands in the outlying river, polluting the local water supply one house at a time. Sheriff David Dutton (Timothy Olyphant) is the first to suspect all is not right in his town when cases of irrational behaviour start leaving a body count, and all the phone and internet lines no longer connect them to the rest of the world... When the US military moves in to quarantine the town and contain the artificial virus by any means necessary, David bands together with his practitioner wife (Radha Mitchell), his deputy (Joe Anderson) and his wife’s young surgery assistant (Danielle Panabaker), to evade both sets of enemies and survive the apocalyptic nightmare.

It is hardly an original concept, and yet The Crazies still packs a powerful punch. The infected “crazies” may not want to feast on your intestinal tract like the living dead do, but they retain a deadly precision to their maniacal actions (enough to be able to use a needle and thread) and the capacity for speech and thought, making them a far more terrifying adversary than an animated corpse; they know who they are hurting, yet they still continue. The uncontaminated characters are well-rounded and convincing; gutsy yet sympathetic as they battle against hope to survive a pandemic which has wiped out their town, their friends and their lives, without the actors being such giant superstars that they sway your allegiance.

Furthermore, the writers pack every scene with tension as a multitude of obstacles – and bodies – stack up between the survivors and safety, and the director never shirks away from depicting the most gruesome and appalling brutality – whether the assailant be a glassy-eyed, vein-faced, morally-depraved madman, or a faceless, unremitting military squadron who's dogma is: shoot first, burn 'em second, fuck asking questions (it wouldn’t be a Romero concept without a hint of societal critique). If I have one minor quibble with The Crazies, it's that the plot device of endangered-hero-saved-at-last-second-by-gun-shot-from-off-screen is deployed once too often, but in a film so packed with such a variety of viscerally inventive deaths (Car wash!! Rake!! Coroner’s saw!!), I can hardly grumble.


CR@B Verdict: Tense, shocking and bloody – a cut above the average schlock-fest. You'd be 'crazy' not to catch this apocalypse NOW.
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