Break In, Break Out & Break Apart

Now that I'm back with LoveFilm (oh how I've missed you, promise me we'll never be apart again, etcetera), the rate with which I receive and watch films has increased - and therefore so has my review load. So here are three concise critiques which see Russell Crowe break into a prison, eyeless reanimated beasts break out of the earth and the ghost of a deformed madman breaking people apart. Now there's diversity for you...

DVD Review: HATCHET
18 – 82mins – 2006

A host of retro splatter film icons (Tony Candyman, Final Destination Todd, Robert “Freddy Kreuger” Englund, Kane “Leatherface”, “Jason Voorhees” Hodder, Friday the 13th Part VII director John Carl Buechler) and some sensationally cruel death sequences (people pulled apart, a girl taking a sander to the face, a woman split in two from the jaw down) do wonders to cover up a simple one-dimensional plot in this gleefully twisted love letter to old-school American horror films from up-and-coming auteur Adam Green.

It’s a glossy production for sure; the image is much cleaner than the grittier and more plausible Frozen (Green’s other major horror release, reviewed HERE), while the camera never shies away from the buckets of gore and twisted prosthetics. The humour is also snappy and tongue-in-cheek (“Can you spot me for this?” “Why, you out of money?” “Nah, I just refuse to pay for this shit!”), while the short runtime means things never outstay their welcome (particular not the all-too-sudden mid-scene cut at the end).

The only downside is that the linear storyline is far too conventional: as the motley crew of tourists, wannabe porn stars (really), camera men and sullen locals board a dodgy haunted swamp tour on the Louisiana Bayou, you can instantly predict who will survive and who will make tasty cannon fodder for the ghost of maniacal and mutilated Victor Crowley (Hodder), whose legend is far more real than any of the unsuspecting saps suspect…

CR@B Verdict: aaaaa

DVD Review: THE NEXT THREE DAYS
12 – 135mins – 2010

Not a film I was in any great hurry to see (hardly the right attitude, I know, but I’ve got to be up front), but having been handed a copy with a strong recommendation I thought I’d give it a chance. As I suspected, I can’t claim to ever being enraptured by it, but it’s an adequate-enough thriller, if a little overlong, implausible and somewhat predictable once you’ve read the synopsis. Hardly a glowing reference, is it?

Paul Casino Royale Haggis adapted and directed Russell Crowe and Elizabeth Banks in this remake of the 2008 French thriller Pour Elle (Anything For Her). Following an altercation at work, Lara (Banks) and John (Crowe) Brennan’s house is intruded by police and Lara is arrested for murder. Over the course of the next three years all appeals fail and John slowly becomes obsessed with the notion that the only way Lara will ever get out to see her son (Insidious' Ty Simpkins) grow up is if she is broken out of prison. So starts his criminally far-fetched plan…

At over 2hours in length, I was surprised at how much of the plot was crammed into the first all-too-brief scene, while John goes from inept novice to fugitive genius all-too-quickly. Much like him, we never for a second suspect that Lara is actually guilty, but that doesn't stop the police from being as incompetent as the “miscarriage of justice” plot demands. The film’s major failing, however, is in its pace, which covers “The Last Three Years” in a snowballing flash before defrosting at a crawl as the plan nears fruition in “The Last Three Days”.

CR@B Verdict: aaaaa

DVD Review: THE PACK (LA MEUTE)
18 – 81mins – 2010

A misty, murky and mysterious little French horror which does a grand job of challenging your genre expectations by changing course thrice during its succinct duration. What begins as an off-kilter road movie – goth traveller Charlotte (Émilie Dequenne) picks up grubby hitchhiker Max (Benjamin Biolay) and they stop at a ramshackle truck stop owned by hick matriarch La Spack (Yolande Moreau) – descends into hillbilly torture porn in a Wrong Turn vein before the eponymous creatures are unleashed to wolf down some revitalizing human plasma in a tense “man versus the monsters” climactic stand-off.

The blind, soil-dwelling zombie miners are a wickedly gruesome bunch (think The Descent’s Crawlers morphed with Romero’s lumbering Living Dead-ites) but they are criminally underused – Franck Richard’s film spends so much time detailing Charlotte’s hunt for the missing Max, her off-hand statement to the retired eccentric local sheriff (Phillippe Nahon; so far removed from your expectation of law enforcement that he may as well be in La Horde) and her eventual capture, that the blood-thirsty mole-men only show up once in the entire first hour.

Finally, a nifty attempt at a curveball epilogue works really well at taking the story full circle (and being startling and just a little bit freaky all at once) until that old chestnut of “it’s just a dream” decimates the impact and makes the diversion feel more like a disjointed deleted scene which has accidentally been edited into the main feature by mistake. It makes for a crushingly disappointing finale to what should have been the most crucial scene in the film.

CR@B Verdict: aaaaa

The Altor Limits

TV Review: SPACE PRECINCT – THE COMPLETE SERIES
15 – 17hours 43mins – 1994-5
Created by: Gerry Anderson
Executive Producer: Gerry Anderson
Starring: Ted Shackleford, Rob Youngblood, Simone Bendix, Jerome Willis, Nancy Paul, Nick Klein, Megan Olive, Mary Woodvine, Gary Martin, Lou Hirsch, Kieron Jecchinis, Rob Thirtle, Tom Watt
_______________________

“The name’s Brogan. Lieutenant Brogan. For twenty years I was with the NYPD. Now? Well, let’s just say I transferred to another precinct.”

Ah, now this takes me back! Master of the marionettes Gerry Anderson’s mid-90s sci-fi police procedural was avid weekly viewing for 12 year-old me some fifteen years ago. I even collected all of the Vivid Imaginations action figures and vehicles (and I’ve still got them all… though no longer out on display, I should clarify!!). 15 years on and having finally been released on R1 DVD in a complete series set (the double episode R2 DVD collections have long been deleted and sell for extortionate prices online), I was able to revisit this inventive mix of model work and life-action drama with a fresh pair of 26 year-old eyes.

As the above-quoted dialogue – which played as part of the title sequence every week – indicates, this future-set series sees its middle-aged New York-born protagonist, Lieutenant Patrick Brogan (Shackleford), and his cocksure young partner, Officer Jack Haldane (Youngblood), adjust to life in a new precinct; one which gravitates above the planet Altor and allows them to keep watch over the goings on in their main jurisdiction: Demeter City.


But it isn’t just human criminals the boys in blue are now chasing, for Altor is populated by all manner of weird and wonderful alien creatures. The two main species are bug-eyed Creons – such as their precinct Captain, Podly (Willis) – and telekinetic Tarns – such as fellow Officer, Took (Woodvine) – but the planet is also the stomping ground of various assorted beings from beyond the Rim. And as the 88th Precinct frequently discover, not all of them are the law-abiding type…

It is obvious that the show’s crew spent a lot of money on this project. The creons and tarns all wore extensive and technically complex face masks – many of which were created but few, it seems, were recycled – while the other extra terrestrials were kitted out in all manner of bizarrely inventive prosthetics. Furthermore, the sets and model work were numerous yet painstakingly rendered (and oftentimes blown to smithereens by the end credits), giving the streets of Demeter City a dilapidated Blade Runner vibe. It didn’t shock me to learn that each 43 minute episode cost over $1million to produce.

If my memory serves me correctly, the all-too-short 24 episode run was broadcast in the UK on BBC 2 in the 6pm slot which I have come to regard as the “Star Trek: TNG slot”. A family-friendly tea time transmission, coupled with the kid-centric merchandise, would give you the impression that Space Precinct is a bright, kooky show, but that isn’t necessarily the case: murder, assault, racism, hookers, corrupt politicians, foetus-napping, animal cruelty, religious cults and drug dealing are just some of the rather adult themes the show dealt with. Some of it is frankly scary stuff, and I’m sure Auntie Beeb must have edited the hell out of numerous episodes.


It wasn’t all doom and gloom, however; wisecracking duo Officers Orrin (Jecchinis) and Romek (Hirsch) contributed the humour, while the flirtatious undercurrent which sizzled between Haldane and the pretty Officer Jane Castle (Bendix) was always good for a smirk. The precinct’s R2 D2-alike RSA unit Slomo (Martin) was also clearly designed with a toy in mind, while Brogan’s two children, Matt (Klein) and Liz (Olive) gave a child’s eye perspective to proceedings – pets, gadgets and incomprehensible idioms (“prime elders”, “orbital”, etcetera) to boot.

But herein lies the rub: Space Precinct is very much a schizophrenic series. I’m not even entirely sure if the writers knew who their prime audience was – and it does often lead to many stories dawdling in an awkward middle ground. For instance, the eeriness of body-invader Enid Kmada (Richard James) in episode #14, “Predator and Prey”, is purposefully counteracted with a frankly asinine story about a goofy ape-like creature being found in a bin(!) and befriended by the bumbling Orrin and Romek.

Elsewhere, the mature storylines are spoon-fed to such a degree that they are immediately predictable, much to the detriment of any mystery. Primary culprit is episode #4, “Double Duty”, where a serial killer is “somehow” evading identification – but Haldane gives away the “third gender” twist of a green-haired alien in the opening line of the prologue! Also guilty: “The Witness” (#15), where newly transferred officer Morgan (Todd Boyce) is introduced and given far too much screen time to be anything other than the psychotic lance killer.


The episodes which stayed with me from my first viewing a decade and a half ago were “The Snake” (#5) and “Time to Kill” (#6). In both instances this is due to the distinctiveness of the villains. Having now rewatched them, I was disappointed by how little the eponymous blackmailing reptile appeared in his own episode – he is despatched far too early, making way for the tension of a bomb threat climax fit for Jack Bauer. “Time to Kill”, meanwhile (which I always remember garnered a 15 certificate in the UK), is a terrifically morbid and ultra-violent riff on The Terminator, even if the “reset button” outcome is all too obvious when all the main cast other than Brogan are killed off!

My favourite episodes are those which let a linear story unfold and there is no mystery to be spoilt: Episode #12, “Two Against The Rock”, which sees a flying Alcatraz fall foul to a prisoner takeover, is an edgy, enjoyable affair, while “ Hate Street ” (#16) is an astonishingly brutal look at racially aggravated crime. Special mention must also be made to “Smelter Skelter” (#18), which opened with a viciously tense bank robbery which put Liz Brogan and her mother (Paul) in peril, then documented their coming to terms with the shock, and the two-part epic “The Fire Within” (#20, #21), which covered a wealth of ground in a story remarkably diverse to any other told in the series.


In a CR@B Shell: Worth checking out, if only for nostalgia’s sake, but cop show savvy adults will grow weary of the all-too-apparent plot devices. It’s a shame because there was much promise in this short-lived sci-fi: Space Precinct’s affable characters are a force to be reckoned with and the visuals are lightyears ahead of their time.
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Prison Monkeys

Blu Review: THE EXPERIMENT
15 – 96mins – 2010
Screenplay by: Paul Scheuring
Based on the novel “Black Box” by Mario Giordano, and the film Das Experiment (2001)
Directed by: Paul Scheuring
Starring: Adrien Brody, Forest Whitaker, Cam Gigandet, Clifton Collins Jnr., Ethan Cohn, Damien Leake, Travis Fimmel, David Banner, Fisher Stevens and Maggie Grace
_____________________________

Eight years ago now, whilst I was away studying at university, a housemate of mine introduced me to a German film called Das Experiment (2001). He promised me that I would be utterly engrossed yet equally appalled by the psychological terrorism employed by the characters – a group of strangers being paid to take part in the titular study – and it would really make me question the term “humanity”. He wasn't wrong.

Almost a decade later and Hollywood has belatedly done what Hollywood does best (ahem) and remade a foreign language film which never needed to be remade, drafting in big name stars (Adrien Brody, Forest Whitaker) and well known faces (Maggie Lost Grace, Cam The O.C. Gigandet, Fisher Short Circuit Stevens) to show their range in this cruel and gritty prison observation gone very, very wrong.

That being said, as the credits rolled on The Experiment, I was just as riled up and exasperated by the narrative as I was in my dorm room back in 2002: this adaptation loses none of its potency in the translation as the designated “guards” – among them mild-mannered Christian mummy's boy Barris (Whitaker) – see the power of authority go straight to their heads as their treatment of the “inmates” – including recently unemployed carer Travis (Brody) – spirals into sadism.

It may seem incredulous that within 48 hours of the proposed 14 day study civility starts to crack as the guards enjoy their temporary authority a little too much, believing they can get away with whatever the hell they like providing the revered red light doesn't turn on and indicate that big brother is unhappy, but The Experiment bares a horrifically close resemblance to the real life 1971 Stanford prison experiment, itself likewise aborted just six days into a two week trial: this shit actually happened, people!

My initial reaction was that it seemed remiss of writer/director Paul Scheuring to not reveal study leader Archaleta's (Stevens) reasons for delaying the cancellation of his controversial research, especially after bullying and cruelty is asserted upon the “prisoners”; but in hindsight the director made the correct choice, plunging us too into the mock penal environment, forever looking to the red light for guidance.

Whether in German or English, The Experiment is a tortuous and difficult watch, there's no denying that. You'll pick your side and you'll question everything as common decency gets dunked down the toilet and your sense of guilt is shoved into solitary confinement all in the name of a $14,000 paycheck. Is it true what they say: are we all just animals in suits who will turn feral the minute law is placed in our greedy paws?


In a CR@B Shell: As psychotic as it is psychological, The Experiment is a brutally shocking Lord of the Flies for grown-ups. It will enrage and upset your moral code, but you won't be able to look away.
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