Swamp Meat

Blu Review: HATCHET 2
18 – 85mins – 2010
Written by: Adam Green
Directed by: Adam Green
Starring: Danielle Harris, Tony Todd, Kane Hodder, Parry Shen, Tom Holland, R.A. Mihailoff, AJ Bowen, Alexis Peters, Ed Ackerman, David Foy, Colton Dunn, John Carl Buechler
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Following immediately on from Hatchet's abrupt mid-scene conclusion [sic], Danielle Harris steps into Tamara Feldman's sodden shoes as lone slaughter survivor Marybeth Dunston in this sick slasher sequel to Adam Frozen Green's retro-inspired cult splatter hit – a small-but-cocky film which prided itself on not being a sequel, a remake or “based on a Japanese one”, but now seems to be the start of an irrepressible franchise (Hatchet III is due next year, and there's the inevitable talk of it being shot in 3D).

An expansion to “hatchet-faced fuck” Victor Crowley's (Kane Friday the 13th Hodder) tragic legend starts things off promisingly by giving reason to the seemingly senseless murder of Marybeth's father and brother at the start of the 2006 original, while reciprocally giving purpose to Tony Final Destination Todd's eccentric junk-hawker Reverend Zombie, whose gravel-voiced character is granted a lot more screen time after his blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameo last time around.

Convinced by a jaded but resolutely determined Marybeth to almost immediately return to the Louisiana swamp she only barely escaped from alive mere hours before (with a less-than-sound excuse to collect the bodies of her slaughtered kin and, if he's hanging about and actually can be killed, exact revenge on the deformed bayou butcher, too), Zombie rounds up a gang of gun-totin' red neck 'ard nuts to join the suicidal expedition, under the pretence that they are heading into Crowley's murderous haunt simply to bring back Zombie's tour boat which his inexperienced assistant (Parry Shen) lost on Marybeth's less-than-rosy first trip.

It is here that Hatchet 2 picks up the pace and returns to safe/predictable territory, with the group of boorish, uncharismatic stereotypes (one of them is even called Cleatus for gawdsake!) being picked off in ever-more imaginatively twisted manners. If depraved bloodshed with a self-aware wink to the audience is all you crave then Adam Green more than delivers with this second swing of the axe, but I found it disappointingly unprogressive, as if the young writer/director simply chose the safe “more of the same” route after realising how much money – and fame – he garnered from the first iconic schlockbuster.


In a CR@B Shell: It's a shame that the neat additions to Victor Crowley's mythology weren't simply interwoven into the undersized original as they would have elevated that out of predictability and saved us from watching the exact same film all over again. Hatchet 2 delights in gleefully warped and ever-more extreme carnage, it just carries the unmistakable stench of unnecessity along with it.
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A Bridge Too Far?

Cine Review: FINAL DESTINATION 5
15 – 92mins – 2011
Written by: Eric Heisserer
Based on characters created by: Jeffrey Reddick
Directed by: Steven Quale
Starring: Nicolas D’Agosto, Emma Bell, Miles Fisher, Arlen Escarpeta, Ellen Wroe, Jacqueline MacInnes Wood, David Koechner, P.J. Byrne, Courtney B. Vance, Tony Todd
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[MINOR SPOILERS] “Death doesn’t like to be cheated,” cautions enigmatic coroner William Bludworth (Todd) to another batch of (un)fortunate coffin-dodging “survivors” in this follow-up to what was purportedly The Final Destination (and still kinda is... but I'll say no more). Graciously, the producers didn’t stick with this film’s atrocious working title 5nal Destination (Five-nal?! Really?), but I still had to question whether the death-cheating splatter-series really needed a fourth sequel?

After all, the Grim Reaper may very well not like to be cheated, but neither do cinema-goers; especially not when they are paying nearly ten quid a ticket for a 3D performance such as this. With the previous three Final films so stubbornly refusing to deviate from the original’s “you can’t cheat fate” formula, it sometimes felt like you were watching the same film ad infinitum. Would director Steven Quale's - the second unit director on James Cameron's Avatar, no less - effort have the guts to innovate like no sequel had done before?

Well it's certainly got bucket-loads of guts (quite literally), but for a chunk of its running time, Final Destination 5 does retain a crushing sense of déjà vu, albeit on a more monumental scale. A group of co-workers board a bus for a company retreat, only for Sam Lawton (D’Agosto) to have a morbid premonition of the under-construction suspension bridge they are driving over collapsing and taking everyone along with it. Persuading six co-workers and his smarmy boss (Anchorman’s Koechner) to alight the vehicle, the group get to safety just in time to see the disaster actually take place. Phew – right? But how long can the survivors stay alive now they have interrupted Death’s grand plan?

The opening suspension bridge collapse is ambitious and truly epic in scale, with a superb utilisation of the third dimension to really make the grotesque catastrophe jump off the screen and impale you through the cornea. It's gimmicky, true, but this is what 3D was made for. I am, however, ever so slightly concerned by a sadistic streak which the sensational deaths brought out in me, as I found myself laughing at the most twisted and brutal deaths – and there certainly were plenty on show! Throughout the film, writer Eric Heisserer employs numerous bluffs, double bluffs and red herrings to ramp up the tension as the future corpses unwittingly meet their maker in the most inventive and unpredictable ways.

The Candyman's all-too-brief return was a nice touch (Todd was last seen in FD2 and last heard in a voiceover in FD3), while his suggestion that to dodge Death’s diabolical design the coffin fodder could kill somebody else to replace the blood debt was an overdue, but welcome, attempt to resuscitate the exhausted concept – one which depressed and obsessed employee Peter (Fisher) goes to extreme lengths to implement. But Death doesn't take kindly to being fucked around... Finally, the epilogue’s climatic twist in the tale tied the series together well, even if a gymnastic banner did get me mighty suspicious early on.


In a CR@B Shell: Y'all know the score by now, and Final Destination 5 certainly doesn't disappoint, once again offering gore-gluttons plenty of blood for their buck in a number of sickeningly spectacular scenarios which demand muchio suspension of your disbelief for fright's sake. Belated shake-ups of the formula are welcome, but whether this truly is the final Final Destination is anyone's guess.
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Another Bite at the Zombie

DVD Review: NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1990)
18 – 92mins – 1990
Written by: George A. Romero
Based on the original film written by: George A. Romero and John Russo
Directed by: Tom Savini
Starring: Patricia Tallman, Tony Todd, Tom Towles, McKee Anderson, William Butler, Bill Mosley, Katie Finneran, Heather Mazur, Pat Logan
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Given the recent slew of ostentatious horror remakes of questionable necessity and debatable quality (Nightmare on Elm Street , Psycho, The Hitcher, My Bloody Valentine 3D, Prom Night – need I go on?), it is understandable that you would approach any modernization of a genre classic with great trepidation. Nonetheless, this early ‘90s adaptation of George A. Romero's hallowed Night of the Living Dead is certainly not to be groaned at, granting a modern audience who would have scoffed at the black and white, budget-conscious 1968 effects a reason to look over their shoulder as they visit the cemetery; they’re coming to get yooouuu, Generation X-Box!

Obviously, Night 1990 isn't in the same groundbreaking league as the archetypal original with which it shares its name, but it is still a spirited and claustrophobically chilling triumph. Tellingly, the remake wasn't a studio-enforced cash-in on the cult zombie brand, but had the full backing of the “Grandfather of the Dead”. Indeed, Romero co-produced and rewrote the script he originally worked on over two decades earlier with John Russo, while effects supremo Tom Savini – having previously lent his gory stylisation to Dawn... (1979) and Day of the Dead (1985), to much acclaim – got the chance to complete the trilogy (ish), and was even handed directing duties. Additionally, Romero roped in a lot of the team who helped him realise his 1968 vision to recapture the magic all over again.

The plot, for the most part, sticks to the original’s winningly simple outline: a small group of strangers hole up in a backwater Pennsylvanian dwelling to survive a paranormal onslaught as the recently deceased rise from the grave and go on an insatiable hunt for human flesh. More credible and repugnantly gory make-up aside, where Night 1990 differs most apparently is in the characterisation, particularly that of lead female Barbara (Patricia Babylon 5 Tallman), who was criticised in the original for being rather, well, useless (the shock of the supernatural scenario sends her into a state of shock for 90% of the film, which, apparently is sexist and demeaning to females everywhere). This time around she is a more proactive and dynamic heroine who is handier with a gun and more forthright.

A further derivation from its source material is the morning-after epilogue, which substitutes the genuine controversy of having survivor Ben (now played by Tony Candyman Todd) mistaken for a zombie and shot down by trigger-happy yokels,* for enforced ‘shock’. Returning to the house of horror, Barbara murders self-centred survivor and all-round arsehole Harry Cooper (Tom Towles) as he climbs down from his private attic hideaway, before informing the hicks “Here’s another one for the fire”. Now, don’t get me wrong, the man was a belligerent, wife-beating, unsupportive monster who definitely had it coming, but for Barbara to murder a human so callously seems somewhat out of character. I mean, there’s forthright, and there’s forthright! But, hey, I guess a night battling the Living Dead is somewhat disillusioning to a person’s sense of morality, and who am I to judge until I have been in her position?


CR@B Verdict: Drained of the Cold War allegory attributed to the revolutionary original, but a visually effective zombie horror nonetheless; Night 1990 revises the character flaws which besmirched the ‘60s classic without bastardising the Living Dead brand.
***.5
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* Racism? According to George, Ben was originally written as a white man and the part simply given to the best actor, Duane Jones, who happened to be black.