The Turning of the Hide

DVD Review: CONQUEST OF THE PLANET OF THE APES
12 – 83mins – 1972
Written by: Paul Dehn
Based on characters created by: Pierre Boulle
Directed by: J. Lee Thompson
Starring: Roddy McDowall, Don Murray, Ricardo Montalban, Natalie Trundy, Hari Rhodes, Severn Darden
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All long running sagas fear going stale – yet a lot of them fail to dodge the inevitable slide into repetition: the Saw films became little more than an excuse to showcase ever-more elaborate and unpleasant death traps, while the Final Destination series refused to progress from the “Death claims back what's rightfully his” formula. It’s a fear of breaking a tried and tested method, I guess – but there are only so many times movie-goers will pay to watch the same film with a different numeric denomination shoved after the title.

I don’t want to sound like a broken record – Conquest is, after all, my fourth review in the Planet of the Apes series – but my admiration for the franchise’s ability to stay fresh and present ever-evolving stories this far down the line expands with every instalment. Sure, Beneath began as just another “astronaut lost amongst apes” tale, but nobody could have predicted the frankly insane curveball it threw as to what Brent and Taylor found living beneath the Forbidden Zone. Conquest continues this commendable reinvention but without swinging too far from the tree.

Set in 1991, some twenty years after the brutal slaying of Earth-bound intelligent chimpanzees Zira and Cornelius at the end of Escape, and a deadly plague has wiped out our planet’s cats and dogs. Desperate for some form of lower life form to govern - sorry: "love" - human’s started to take apes as pets – but primate’s ability to learn basic tasks and mimic human movement led man to take advantage, and very soon pets became slaves.

Circus owner Armando (Montalban; seen briefly in a crucial scene at Escape’s close and reprising the character in a larger role here) does not concur with the enslaving of apes, but then he is hiding a controversial secret: his own ape, Caesar (McDowall), is not as dumb as he looks. Caesar is, in fact, Milo, the son of Zira and Cornelius whom the authorities were led to believe perished alongside his parents at the oil rig showdown in 1973. But in actuality he has been brought up in the circus and must hide his identity and bite his tongue when out in public or face death at the hands of the fascist enforcers.

The “future” 1991 of Conquest is a very distinct but wholly disparate civilization to the 20th Century Earth we saw in the previous episode; PA systems give out solemn public service announcements to an obedient uniformed society, "Ape Management" compounds torture the rounded-up monkeys into submission before engraining menial tasks into them, and police units patrol with truncheons at the ready in case an ape should put a paw out of line: it’s suffocating and unsettling, like something out of 1984 or THX 1138!

But when Armando is violently interrogated about Caesar’s true identity, the humanoid ape must go undercover amongst his own kind. Put through sadistic reconditioning, Caesar ends up being sold at auction and working for Governor Breck (Murray), whose chief aide, MacDonald (Rhodes), is sympathetic to simians. Learning of Armando’s death, Caesar is unable to contain his rage and he proceeds to round up his primitive brethren, teaching them combat and weapon techniques in secret. Revolution is in the air; one which will forever alter the course of human – and ape – history…

I have absolutely no hesitation in listing Conquest as by far my favourite of the Apes sequels; a strong concept is supported by an atmospheric environ and an epic final showdown. Watching the ape army silently advance through the concrete jungle towards the riot police was truly creepy, while the insurrection itself was a savage and bloody affair – and this was just the theatrical cut on DVD, as opposed to the more intense extended edition on Blu ray!

Caesar’s voiceless rallying of the troops with a stare and a nod did bring back painful memories of the telepathy employed by the mutants in Beneath, but of course he couldn’t speak to chimps who couldn’t (yet) understand him. Furthermore, I found Armando’s exposition-crammed dialogue in explaining the events which led up to this film to be horrendously clunky and unsubtle, but any minor qualms were more than dispersed by Caesar’s victory speech to his soldiers at Conquest’s sizzling conclusion:

“But now we will put away our hatred. Now we will put down our weapons. We have passed through the night of the fires, and those who were our masters are now our servants. And we, who are not human, can afford to be humane. Destiny is the will of God, and if it is Man’s destiny to be dominated, it is God’s will that he be dominated with compassion, and understanding. So, cast out your
vengeance. Tonight, we have seen the birth of the Planet of the Apes!”

In a word: epic.


In a CR@B Shell: A truly remarkable achievement for a third sequel, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes is a radical and (literally) revolutionary delight. Dark, cynical and pulling no punches – I’m tempted to shell out for the 40th Anniversary Franchise Blu-ray set just to see the alternative cut!
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Life Will Find a Way

DVD Review: ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE APES
12 – 93mins – 1971
Written by: Paul Dehn
Based on characters created by: Pierre Boulle
Directed by: Don Taylor
Starring: Roddy McDowall, Kim Hunter, Bradford Dillman, Natalie Trundy, Eric Braeden, Ricardo Montalban, William Windom, Sal Mineo
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Prior to the decimation of their world at Beneath's apocalyptic climax, intelligent chimpanzees Zira (Hunter), Cornelius (McDowall) and Dr. Milo (Mineo) managed to rescue and repair astronaut Colonel Taylor's sunken spacecraft from the lakes of the Forbidden Zone (as seen in the 1968 opener, reviewed HERE) and leave their embattled land behind. Caught in the same temporal distortion which previously stranded two human expeditions in their time, they are instead sent hurtling backwards; back to the 20th Century when man ruled the world and apes couldn't speak – much less wear clothes, use cutlery or fly spaceships!

Turning the tables on the already topsy-turvy core series concept, Escape from the Planet of the Apes is, ostensibly, the lightest of the sequels in tone – at least initially. Directed by Don Taylor (who went on to direct 1977's The Island of Dr Moreau; I'm picking up a definate animal-sapien theme here), this third entry in the evergreen Apes franchise provides a mirror image of the iconic original “fish out of water” plot, only this time man isn't the outsider. But will being on home soil change how we as a race react to that which is different to us? Don't count on it.

Deriving much culture shock humour from the misconceptions brought about by the global media circus surrounding the trio of tabloid-branded “ape-onauts”, you'd be forgiven for thinking Escape was being played for laughs – especially during a chirpy montage sequence where the chimps get measured for tailor-made clothes and Cornelius refuses to have his leg felt up! However, Paul Dehn's script never lingers too long on the monkey business (ahem) and never crosses the line into cheese. Most tellingly, it isn't long before mankind's fear of losing his dominance over nature overwhelms his scientific fascination and one man (Braeden's Dr. Otta Hasslein) steps up to “control” the “threat” he fails to understand.

Initially held in captivity at a zoo before being upgraded to a plush five star hotel, a heavily pregnant Zira and her over-protective spouse are initially sceptical about how open to be about the future of the human race, and their doubts are well founded, as they are first interviewed, then interrogated and subsequently drugged to extract the truth from them – a truth which man cannot bear. Soon the former toasts of the town are on the run from their fickle and untrustworthy admirers and a tense oil rig showdown continues the saga's predilection for desolate, heart-wrenching finales.

Thankfully distancing this chapter from Beneath's bogus mutant misstep, Zira and Cornelius assert that the pacifistic chimps are ignorant to the enemy the ape army marched on in the fateful underground battle. Taylor's story is also well laced into the plot; particularly as the film opens with the long-lost U.S. vessel already capsized in the ocean, leaving it up to the first time flyers to report the events during a demanding public inquiry. The film's darker elements – including Dr. Milo's early exit and the shockingly pessimistic ending – stop the quirky comedy from overpowering the drama, while a ray of hope remains as the credits roll that man has not completely extinguished this evolutionary anomaly... Life will find a way.


In a CR@B Shell: Another Apes-equel and another fresh, disparate story; this idea really does have legs! Escape may have dated due to its 70's setting, but it's a captivating and endearing tale which doesn't lose its message amongst all the kitsch hullabaloo – and it isn't scared to stretch its emotional range, much to its unpredictable advantage.
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What Prays Beneath

DVD Review: BENEATH THE PLANET OF THE APES
15 – 90mins – 1970
Story by: Paul Dehn and Mort Abrahams
Screenplay by: Paul Dehn
Based on characters created by: Pierre Boulle
Directed by: Ted Post
Starring: James Franciscus, Kim Hunter, Maurice Evans, Linda Harrison, Charlton Heston, David Watson, James Gregory
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For the opening hour of this first sequel to the iconic Planet of the Apes (reviewed HERE), Beneath... progresses agreeably. Although it could be argued that bringing a second astronaut – in the form of John Brent’s (Franciscus) one-man rescue party – to this upside-down society where apes rule and man is but a primitive plaything was just a retread of Colonel George Taylor’s (Heston) story, there was still much to enjoy.

Simple (and lazy) though it was, I was fond of the way the film opened with a replay of the jaw-dropping events which ended Apes, before interrupting Taylor ’s horseback trot into the sunset with mute Nova (Harrison) with a close encounter with a curious wall of flames and then having him inexplicably vanish in the so-called “Forbidden Zone” beyond the simian society. Brent – who it must be noted does share more than a passing resemblance to a bearded Taylor – herein takes over the role of alpha male, even taking the luscious female companion along with him.

Our return to Ape City is successful in expanding our understanding of this hierarchical simian society, where the gorillas are selected as the soldiers and their leader, General Ursus (Gregory), believes it is high time they march on the Forbidden Zone to mine the vacant land for food. Chimpanzees Cornelius (Watson, stepping in for McDowall for one film only) and Zira (Hunter) are staunchly opposed to the rally – as is secretive orangutan Dr. Zaius (Evans) – but nevertheless the domineering gorillas get their way and the march proceeds.

Hiding from the army, Brent and Nova discover the buried ruins of old New York (our New York ) and their descent through the rubble is wonderfully atmospheric. Despite a budget just half the size of the ‘68 predecessor, the set work looks grand. Alas, it is here where the film goes completely off the rails into “ape shit crazy” territory. Brent and Nova are tortured by a sect of telepathic super humans (yes, you read that correctly) who worship an undetonated nuclear bomb left over from the war which previously destroyed society as we know it.

I can accept the nuclear bomb – that actually fits into the universe that has been established – but to suddenly present a bizarre cult of disturbing mutants who can peel off their skin to reveal a horrible web of veins (I'm still not quite sure why) and have an implausible talent for speechless communication feels horribly disingenuous to what has come before. It’s ludicrous and awkward and feels like a completely different film entirely; as if the apes suddenly don’t matter and we’ve stepped into The Omega Man! My question is this: If humankind has been reduced to primal mutes following the nuclear fallout, how the hell do these skin-peeling freaks fit into the new world order??

As the ape army force themselves back into the picture and break into this subterranean stronghold, a bloody battle wages. I appreciated the increased level of viciousness (this is a ‘15’, the highest rated of the series) and it was a nice touch to bring the AWOL Taylor back for the final fight. Furthermore, the apocalyptic ending was a fantastic – if morbid – knockout blow (which could/should have finished the series), but in spite of all this I still struggle to get beyond that damn telepathic underground cult without screaming WHAT THE FUCK?!! Shame.


In a CR@B Shell: A fine first hour is completely eclipsed by a peculiar, game-changing final third; reducing what I initially thought was a decent sequel into an embarrassing ape-jumping travesty. I appreciate that it doesn’t rest on the original’s laurels, but Dr. Zaius was right – the Forbidden Zone should have been left well alone!
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Simian Says...

DVD Review: PLANET OF THE APES
12 – 107mins – 1968
Screenplay by: Michael Wilson and Rod Serling
Based on the novel “Monkey Planet” by: Pierre Boulle
Directed by: Franklin J. Schaffner
Starring: Charlton Heston, Roddy McDowall, Kim Hunter, Maurice Evans, James Whitmore, James Daly, Lou Wagner, Linda Harrison, Robert Gunner, Jeff Burton
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[SPOILERS] With franchise prequel/reboot, Rise..., mere days from release (and somewhat inspired by Film Intel's continuing trawl through the original quintet of films), I thought it was high time I journeyed back to the beginning and revisited our first glimpse of The Planet of the Apes. Over the last 43 years, Frankin J. Schaffner's iconic sci-fi has spawned four theatrical sequels, two television series, a Tim Burton remake and all manner of expanded universe fiction. There’s no denying it: these damn dirty apes are damn popular!

Astonishingly, the slick 1968 production still holds up to this day. The prosthetic ape make-up by artist John Chambers looks just as believable as it did in Tim Burton’s far more extravagant (but far less positively received) 2001 re-Apes, while the plot – based on a 1963 novel by Pierre Boulle – is triumphant in delivering a resounding high-concept allegory in a powerful yet clear narrative.

A quartet of astronauts led by stern alpha male Taylor (Heston) awaken from a long voyage in deep sleep hibernation to find their craft has crash landed on an unknown world in the year 3978AD. Due to time dilation, they have only aged 18 months, but they must come to terms with the fact that everyone they knew on Earth has been dead for centuries. Now they must traverse this sparse, barren, alien landscape if they ever hope to return to what they once called home.

I really admire the steady, almost calm, pacing of this film – and that is in no way a backhanded compliment. Devoting the first 30minutes to a slow desert jaunt is something today's ADHD Hollywood simply wouldn't allow; other than finding a patch of fauna and snapping at one another, bugger all really happens but it lulls the audience into a false sense of security and we obtain great insights into the conflicting personalities of this minimalist cast before the groundbreaking revelations rock their world.

The socially aware subtext cleverly incorporates denouncements of race and class divisions, animal cruelty and the age-old showdown between science and faith – timeless issues which still rage today – yet Planet of the Ape's plot is essentially very simple: Taylor is captured by the dominant apes and caged like a mute, primitive pet until his power of speech convinces certain open-minded simians – animal psychologist Zira (Hunter) and her archaeologist fiancé Cornelius (McDowall) - that he may be the “missing link”; a key to unlocking the secrets of their past, while others – the shady Dr. Zaius (Evans), keeper of the faith – believe Taylor's appearance to be a Pandora's Box which should never be opened...

The sedate and speculative script offers up a feast of perfectly placed and powerfully executed twists and reveals which move the story along terrifically, from the condition of female astronaut Stewart (Dianne Stanley) to Landon's (Gunner) lobotomised zombification. Much to the credit of the film-makers (but the detriment of the climax), the iconic final shot of the Statue of Liberty has embedded itself in public culture (it's even on the front of the DVD case for Zaius' sake!) and it barely registers as a twist anymore – but can you imagine that ending catching you off guard in a cinema in 1968? Now that's a sucker punch!


In a CR@B Shell: Forget about Tim Burton's awkward modern rehash and immerse yourself in a slice of prototypical vintage science fiction. Enjoy either as first rate avant garde eye candy or dig a little deeper to unearth its societal message; Planet of the Apes really is an advanced breed of film-making.
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Working Raves and Night

Blu Review: LOST BOYS: THE THIRST
15 – 81mins – 2010
Story by: Evan Charnov
Screenplay by: Evan Charnov and Hans Rodionoff
Directed by: Dario Piana
Starring: Corey Feldman, Taint Phoenix, Jamison Newlander, Casey B. Dolan, Seb Castang, Stephen van Niekerk, Joe Vaz, Felix Mosse, Matthew Dylan Roberts, Porteus Xandau Steenkamp
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Some 21 years after Kiefer Sutherland headlined Joel Schumacher's vampire/rock/punk classic, 2008 saw the release of Lost Boys: The Tribe. More an updated retread of the iconic original than an all-new story, this belated sequel met with mixed reviews, with many pouring scorn on a film which would dare slander the brilliance of the 1987 touchstone. Personally, I never had a problem with The Tribe, although any film starring The O.C. hottie Autumn Reeser is looked on favourably by this smitten CR@B.

Disgruntled fanboys aside, clearly The Tribe brought in enough moolah for the producers to recognise they had a serious cash cow on their hands, and it was inevitable that another instalment would soon follow. That instalment is Lost Boys: The Thirst, once more bypassing the big screen and released straight to home platforms in time for Halloween 2010. Umm... Yay?

Lifelong vampire hunter and comic book collector Edgar Frog (Feldman) not only returns for a third (s)take, but returns to the fore once more after standing on The Tribe's periphery, with Mr. Feldman signing up as Executive Producer, too. Clearly Corey feels strongly about the future of the franchise which not only launched but sustained his career through the deathly quiet lows, and he even had a creative hand in The Thirst's conception. With such enthusiasm at its core, quite how this threequel turned out to be one of the most ludicrous disappointments I have ever seen is beyond me...

It started so promisingly, too: the film looks great and has plenty of scope. It doesn't skimp on action or locations and even on flaw-enhancing Blu-ray the production values are surprisingly first rate. However, it all too quickly becomes clear that The Thirst is more comedy than horror, with everyone overacting like wide-eyed amateurs and delivering a rut of appallingly cringeworthy one-liners. Alas, Feldman is prime suspect with his nye-unbearable gravelly drawl making Christen Bale's Batman sound like Prince on helium, while Edgar dryly delivers such witticisms as “Vinyl still shreds” after slicing a vamp's neck with a snapped record.

The Lost Boys never took itself all too seriously, granted, but The Thirst ramps up the yacks to an embarrassing extreme where you almost question whether you're watching a spoof. Cheesy, self aware and supposedly satirical digs at Twilight-alike vampire romance novels, reality TV and social networking don't exactly help matters, with sour trailer tramp Edgar begrudgingly partnered with pompous faux-lebrity Lars van Goetz (van Niekerk) to hunt for author Gwen Lieber's (Phoenix) lost brother Peter (Mosse).

Plum-mouthed Gwen believes youngster Peter has been lured by vampires while at a rave in Ibiza, with DJ X (Castang) and his fanged lackey's distributing the blood of the alpha vampire masked as viles of the eponymous “drug” The Thirst to create a following of subservient half vampires who also know how to have a freakin' good time. Coincidently, DJ X's illegal party is on its way to the sunny beach town of San Cazador, meaning Edgar and his rag-tag cohorts don't have far to go to mash some monsters.

There are plenty of references and callbacks to absent characters from the original film – including an emotional graveyard tribute to recently departed Corey Haim – with director Piana incorporating vital 1987 scenes to great sentimental effect, especially given other Frog brother Alan's (Newlander) hallowed return to the series this time around. Alas, grown up Feldman and Newlander's obvious exhilaration and over-egged banter just comes across as desperate after over a decade in a career nadir.

True, the writers have been brave in pushing The Lost Boys in a new direction here – The Thirst is an original story which homages the past while also looking to the future – but it's a big risk with such a popular property which simply doesn't pay off: the modern-infusion of drug/rave culture just brings back bad memories of concert shots from Queen of the Damned and that much derided scene from The Matrix Reloaded, while the reworking of iconic rock track “Cry Little Sister” squeezed into two high-octane acts evokes a smile which not even an entire film full of techno beats and glow sticks can match.

There are just too many laughable flaws which make you lose interest in the horror at this vampire flick's core. For instance: van Goetz is hired to help save Peter from the undead, but he's so stubbornly certain that they don't exist that even when he and his ever-present cameraman Lars (Vaz) discover Peter sedated and chained up in the underground lair that he walks away, stating it's “too early” in this “roleplaying game” to rescue the teen before he's kicked some emo goth ass first. Y'know, for the camera...

Without ruining the climax for anyone brave enough to sit through the meagre 81 minute run time, my jaw hit the floor in utter disbelief at the frog-jumping, franchise-destroying epilogue tease which is ripped straight out of Lesbian Vampire Killers (seriously) and leaves you wondering exactly what the hell the creative minds being The Thirst were smoking (or drinking)... Watch this dire joke at your peril: The Lost Boys will never be the same again.


In a CR@B Shell: This third entry in the revived vamp-chise looks fang-tastic but lets itself down as soon as any of the dire cast utter a word of the pun-laden script. A lame mockery to the original's legacy which definitely won't leave you thirsting for more.
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