Fear ye the Rip-off

DVD Review: MY SOUL TO TAKE
18 – 107mins – 2010
Written by: Wes Craven
Directed by: Wes Craven
Starring: Max Thieriot, John Magaro, Emily Meade, Nick Lashaway, Zena Grey, Paulina Olszynski, Denzel Whitaker, Raul Esparza, Jessica Hecht, Jeremy Chu
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[SPOILERS] My eagerness for satirical slasher sequel Scre4m (which I do intend to see before it leaves cinemas) was sliced down a notch after watching “master of horror” Wes Craven’s limp preceding offering. My Soul to Take is an ineffective mess of schizophrenic murderers, spiritualist hokum, loose plot-threads, weak scares, laughable chills and fruitless characters. Basically, it’s utter drivel which just screams direct-to-video B-movie. So the studio released it in box office-inflating 3D and witnessed it deservedly bomb.

Craven's first writing and directing gig since New Nightmare in 1994, My Soul to Take’s failure is even more disappointing because the premise is actually fairly novel. The film’s downfall is in its dire execution. 16 years to the day after the community of Riverton suffered terrible losses at the knife-wielding hand of the “Riverton Ripper” (Raul Esparaza), the seven children born on the night he was shot are being picked off in grizzly murders. Did the Ripper cheat death to wreck his revenge, biding his time and building his strength over the intervening years, or are supernatural forces at work?

The answer, dear readers, is the latter, despite the wounded psychopath being seen running away from the ambulance which was transporting him and his victims to the hospital, thereby keeping open the possibility of his survival. But this is just one of the many red herrings Craven throws at us, which, when you consider the film as a whole, are actually rather large plot holes. The Riverton Ripper’s soul has, in fact, been transported into one of the seven newborns who came into this world the night he left it. That’s right; the killer was that darn evil that even death couldn’t stop him. Sound familiar?

Introverted teen Adam “Bug” Hellerman (Max Thieriot), with his lack of medical records, schizophrenic impressions and morbid ability to see the recently deceased in the mirror (!), is instantly marked as suspect numero uno. Except it obviously isn’t him, because Craven tries so frickin’ hard to indebt him with all these “guilty” attributes (watch out for the family reveal halfway through) that you’re constantly anticipating a twist. And, predictably, we get one – so then what the hell was all that “dead reflections leave knifes for me in the sink” nonsense all about?!

My Soul to Take features countless genre elements which would work reasonably well on their own, but as mere fragments of this scatterbrained plot they serve no conclusive purpose other than to irritate. For instance, one of the seven teens is a Jesus freak (Zena Grey) and another is blind (Denzel Whitaker) – but their distinctive characteristics lend no purpose to the narrative! It’s as if Craven had a load of “this would be cool!” ideas, but in his excitement failed to cohesively tie them all together. And this is a veteran of modern horror cinema!


In a CR@B Shell: Over thought, over wrought claptrap from a (former) master of the genre who, most criminally of all, fails to see how preposterous his creation is and plays the entire farce entirely straight. Won’t stop you laughing out loud though.
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The Eagle has Crash-landed

Book Review: AQUILA
Written by: Andrew Norriss
138 pages
Published by: Puffin Modern Classics
Originally released: 1997
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I can fondly remember looking forward to the weekly instalments of CBBC’s serialised adaptation of Andrew Norriss’s Aquila as an imaginative 13 year old. A flying spaceship which can turn invisible and freeze time with a laser really appealed to me then - and still does today as I approach my 27th birthday! 14 years may have passed, but I can still recall the thunderous spoken Latin message which accompanied the opening titles. Ahhh, good times!

Even back then I was aware the series – also penned by Norriss, who co-created 90's sitcom The Brittas Empire – was based on a novel, and immediately sort to buy said book, but I can remember being curious as to how they could possibly make a second series (which followed on BBC1 in December 1998) given how there wasn’t a follow-up novel...?

Well now there is! Author Andrew Norriss belatedly released Aquila 2 just last year, and the excited child inside me couldn’t pass up the opportunity to revisit the original story before continuing the adventures of school boys Geoff and Tom and their 6000 year old alien spacecraft.

The underachieving best mates discover Aquila - which means "Eagle" in Latin, in case you were confused by this blog's title - while bunking off a school geography trip and falling into a cave where the skeleton of a Roman soldier is still guarding his prized possession. But rather than using the extraordinary craft to take them on all manner of wild and exotic misadventures, the paper-thin plot instead details their attempts to get the thing home and hidden from their parents and the authorities.

What I found fascinating about the story was how the narrative was just as much about the teacher’s reservations regarding the work-shy pair’s sudden interest in all things bilingual, mathematical and aerodynamic as it was about the unearthed flying pod. Norriss derives a lot of humour from the adult characters – the suspicious school staff, Geoff’s inattentive dad, Tom’s agoraphobic mother, Mrs Murphy the senile, pill-popping next door neighbour – while making Tom and Geoff as “normal” and relatable as possible.

Aquila is essentially a high concept MacGuffin. The extraterrestrial machine isn’t the adventure itself, but merely serves as the catalyst which inspires Tom and Geoff’s personal adventure: it fuels their determination and unlocks their dormant capabilities to achieve whatever they set their minds to. Yes, granted, it’s a twee morality tale, but let’s not forget this is a children’s book, and Norriss disguises his message stealthily beneath the humour and wonder of the lad’s enquiring attempts at discovering what their awe-inspiring treasure is capable of.


In a CR@B Shell: A light, witty and inspirational parable on setting your mind to a goal and reaching for the sky, Aquila impressed me all over again as an adult rediscovering this modern children’s classic and I can’t wait to see where Norriss takes the inquisitive schoolboys in the sequel.
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No Goats, No Glory

DVD Review: THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS
15 – 89mins – 2009
Screenplay by: Peter Straughan
Inspired by the book, written by: Jon Ronson
Directed by: Grant Heslov
Starring: George Clooney, Ewan McGregor, Jeff Bridges, Kevin Spacey, Stephen Lang, Robert Patrick
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Purportedly based on true events (but clearly given a healthy creative spruce), this high concept comedy sees small town reporter Bob Wilton (Ewan McGregor) hit rock bottom before deciding to head to Kuwait as a war journalist and land a totally unexpected exclusive that nobody is likely to believe. Equally, some audiences may struggle with The Men Who Stare At Goats’ kooky New Age philosophy and paranormal conceit, but if you open your mind you will enjoy a bright and outlandish film. And no, I am not suggesting you get high, dude…

On his travels Bob meets Special Forces operator Lyn Cassady (George Clooney), who claims he was part of a American training unit dubbed the “New Earth Army” founded by Bill Django (Jeff Bridges, channelling his inner hippy once more) some 30 years ago. The unit focused on developing psychic ‘super’ powers in its soldiers, including the seemingly inane title-alluding ability to kill a goat just by staring at it. Believing it is fate that they have met, Lyn lets Bob accompany him on a dessert-bound mission while feeding him snippets of the hippy-esque unit and his rivalry with fellow recruit, the more darkly-minded Larry Hopper (Kevin Spacey; an unabashed riot).

Tonally reminiscent of the Coen brother’s quirky romp Burn After Reading – which is no bad thing – and split between wacky training flashbacks from the 1970s and 80s, and the early noughties-set Iraq mission narrative (and doing a very authentic job of turning back the years on its middle-aged stars), The Men Who Stare At Goats can at times feel like a rambling hotchpotch of scenes featuring an ever-increasing ensemble cast (including a shockingly old looking Robert Patrick). However, the film is held together with some superbly witty and self-aware dialogue which never fails to illicit a smile (Ewan “Obi-Wan” McGregor claiming ignorance of what a Jedi is, being a prime example), even if the conclusion is somewhat underwhelming.


CR@B Verdict: A meandering plot and slightly anticlimactic ending shouldn’t dissuade you, Goats is chockfull of sharply written, witty dialogue, superbly acted by a band of established stars with their tongues firmly in cheek.
***.5