The MediEvil Dead

Blu Review: ARMY OF DARKNESS: EVIL DEAD III
15 – 81mins – 1992
Written by: Sam Raimi and Ivan Raimi
Directed by: Sam Raimi
Starring: Bruce Campbell, Embeth Davidtz, Marcus Gilbert, Ian Abercrombie, Richard Grove
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Talk about going from one extreme to the other: whereas 1987's Evil Dead II (reviewed HERE) was only too happy to recycle all that I loved so much about Sam Raimi's original cult splatter flick (reviewed HERE), this belated third instalment moves about as far away from that monotonous log cabin in the woods as you could possibly believe; transporting everybody's favourite brainless-but-endearing hardware store employee, Ash Williams (Campbell), back to the year 1300AD to battle demonic deadites side-by-side with Lord Arthur (Gilbert) and his unsurprisingly bewildered knights.

But the feudal venue isn't the only noticeable digression in Army of Darkness – the tone is decidedly more slapstick, too. That's not to say that either of the previous two parts ever took themselves in the least bit seriously (dancing skeletons and possessed hands attacking their owner are just two examples of unreserved inanity which instantly spring to mind), but the sniggersome humour has been ramped all the way up to eleven in this trilogy closer. The cynic in me would say it's likely to disguise the fact that the blood and gore have been modulated at the rating-conscious studio's behest, but it's not that noticeably tamer (even if the Theatrical Cut on the UK Optimum blu-ray is suspiciously skimpy; the credits roll on just 75mins).

Just to clarify (and go a fraction off course): the much meatier and bloodier Director's Cut is available as one of the disc's extra features, but it wasn't treated to an HD remastering and the sub-par standard definition quality is often ropey and at times scarier than the shemps on screen! This was a curious decision, and I'm somewhat unsure of which edit is considered definitive, but it just goes to show that no matter how popular a film – or how famous the director – the studio still retain power in this money-driven industry. After watching the main feature, I did skip-play my way through the extended version so to compare the more noteworthy differences between the two, and I'll discuss my thoughts on the disparate conclusions towards the end of my review.

Back to the film itself, and the Necronomican – that's “Book of the Dead” to you and I – once more takes centre stage, with Ash determined to track down the flesh-bound tome to unlock its secrets and return himself to the present day and his less-than-heroic day job at S-Mart ("housewares"). Problem is, once he locates the tricksey blood-written blighter, the bonehead forgets the incantation he must chant before picking it up (d'oh!) and medieval England is flooded with a legion of reawakened skeletal warriors who lay siege to Arthur's castle under the command of Ash's deranged evil doppelgänger (who grew from an eye on Ash's shoulder before separating into his own disgusting entity – lovely!). Bugger.

Amongst the fleeting film's many stand-out moments: Ash lays waste to a pit-dwelling she-bitch with his iconic chainsaw arm-piece; later – in a nod to the previous films – he takes refuge from the evil spirit roaming the land in an abandoned windmill (in the woods?!), only to be attacked, Lilliputian-stylee, by a barmy army of mini-Ash's. His revolutionary pimping of both a new metallic hand (to replace the one which he lobbed off after it attacked him in the middle movie) and his busted Oldsmobile into a wooden war-machine on wheels are two crowning moments worthy of much fan adulation. Yeah, there are other characters on screen, but this is definitely Ash's film (small wonder then, that the UK releases were re-named Bruce Campbell vs. Army of Darkness). Did I mention he gets the girl (Davidtz), too?

Whereas the Director's Cut ends on a wry riff of Planet of the Apes (well, that's what I took from it, but I am ape-sessed at the moment!), the rewritten “happy” ending shown in the Theatrical Cut sees Ash return to his own time (and his beloved job) as a cheesy, cock-sure hero amongst retail workers ("Hail to the king, baby"). I'll no doubt be lambasted for stating this, but I actually preferred this ending – even if it wasn't Raimi's original vision – as it left the threat of evil returning ever-present, whereas the time travel dilemma of the Director's Cut – despite ending things more decisively – felt like a downbeat dead-end to a bonkers series of crazy capers which deserved to go out with a smile.


In a CR@B Shell: Demented doesn't even cover it, but damn this film is one helluva fun, hyperactive medieval joy-ride. Cheeky and freaky but boisterously charming with it, even after a worrying degree of studio interference, Army of Darkness is still a warped classic which far outstrips its lazy (if popular) predecessor to end the cult trilogy on a high.
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Hotel Paranorma

Blu Review: THE BEYOND (E TU VIVAI NEL TERRORE - L'ALDILÀ)
18 – 87mins – 1981
Story by: Dardano Sacchetti
Screenplay by: Dardano Sacchetti, Giorgio Mariuzzo and Lucio Fulci
Directed by: Lucio Fulci
Starring: Catriona MacColl, David Warbeck, Sarah Keller, Antione Saint-John, Veronica Lazar, Anthony Flees
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Talk about irony: no sooner had I finished ripping Lucio Fulci's 1980 zombie abomination City of the Living Dead a new (hell) hole (you can read my rant HERE), then LoveFilm whisked me the second film in his unholy trinity as if it were a high priority on my rental list (it wasn't). I wasn't much looking forward to diving back into this kooky director's diverse oeuvre *quite* so soon, but for all its thematic similarities to its predecessor, The Beyond is actually a surprisingly steep step up in all regards.

Heroine of the original, Catriona MacColl, returns again (as she does in part three, The House By The Cemetery, also. Yes, that's on my LoveFilm list too!), albeit in a completely unrelated role. Here she plays Liza Merril, a woman who has inherited a long-deserted hotel in Louisiana, completely oblivious to its unholy history: it was built over one of the seven cursed gateways to Hell. Bummer.

Despite numerous supernatural “accidents” (all involving major blood loss, body disfiguring, eye-piercing, and – on more than one occasion – acid burning) and countless ominous warnings from a shuddersome blind woman (Keller) to keep the hell away from the ghostly guest house, Liza is undeterred in her renovation project – until the dead start to walk the Earth.

Of course, yet again, it's all an elaborate excuse to splash the red stuff and feed the director's ocular fetish in ever-more distastefully sickening scenarios, but the smaller character base and simplified linear plot means events feel more cohesive and purposeful to the journey's end rather than incomprehensible abstract diversions from logic as they did in the hopelessly disjointed City.

A black and white prologue set in 1927 revealing the unlocking of the gateway and subsequent mob crucifixion of the painter responsible is wonderfully artistic in a B-movie pastiche sense, working well as a framing device which is counterbalanced by the protagonist's belated arrival in “The Beyond” at the film's futile but open-ended climax; an epically atmospheric swirling mountainous landscape of dead bodies soundtracked by the shrieks of the eternally tortured.

For a film billed as a “zombie horror” it must be noted that the shuffling stiffs don't actually show up en mass until five minutes from the end, but don't let that deter you; there are plenty more unrestrained paranormal atrocities to keep horror nuts happy – including a bonkers scene in which (for reasons completely unclear) a concussed man (Anthony Flees) is attacked by a clutch of tarantulas which proceed to sting his face and bite his flesh! It's a monstrously visionary notion which would have been all the more terrifying if half the arachnids hadn't been laughably puppeteered props! Still, half the fun of these vintage cult oddities is chuckling at the cheese...


In a CR@B Shell: Despite being produced just a year after City, The Beyond feels like the work of a far more experienced director; the script is sharper, the scares more complimentary to the narrative and the ghastly effects more polished (well, except the spiders). I still think he's barmy, but perhaps I was too hasty in writing Fulci off...?
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Unhenged Fanatics

Book Review: THE STONEHENGE LEGACY
Written by: Sam Christer
481pages
Published by: Sphere
Released: 11th January 2011
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“A colourful male pheasant struts the lawn, cued by the first light on the
dew-soaked grass. Dull females follow in the bird’s wake, then feign disinterest
and peck at fat-filled coconut shells strung out by Chase’s gardener”

[SPOILERS] With such highfalutin and unnecessarily verbose prose just paragraphs from the narrative’s commencement, I was concerned that debut author Sam Christer’s Dan Brown-alike conspiracy thriller would be an uphill struggle of lofty and pretentious try-hard poetics. However, once the London-based writer had made his ostentatious mark upon the printed page and the story-proper revs up to full speed, I found myself becoming totally immersed in this horrible history murder mystery.

Set in the days leading up to the much-celebrated summer solstice, The Stonehenge Legacy presents to us a shady secret underworld of modern day druids who take their admiration of one of the worlds most mystical and mysterious ancient archaeological attractions to murderous heights. Following the suicide of his estranged father, archaeologist Gideon Chase uncovers a hidden library of coded diaries which lead him to disclosure shocking revelations about the clandestine group of Followers – and his own family history.

To imply that Megan Baker, the detective inspector assigned to the Chase suicide, “teams up” with the cult-uncovering protagonist (as the paperback’s cover blurb states) is something of a fallacy. Naturally, their paths do frequently cross during the on-going enquiry and she does gradually begin to acknowledge Gideon’s wild claims of blood sacrifices to the Gods, but they never collaborate to the extent Sophie Neveu and Robert Langdon do in The Da Vinci Code. Consider Blomqvist and Salander in the Millennium trilogy – minus the sex and unrequited love – and you’ll be closer to this pair’s relationship, so often are they separate and following their own leads.

The short chapters and even shorter sentences (sometimes full-stops are used where commas would have sufficed) keep the prospectively ludicrous plot at a relentlessly blistering pace, and the introduction of glamorous young American reality TV star Caitlyn Lock and her new Casanova boyfriend Jake Timberland spice up the conventional genre elements with a touch of lustful romance and open up the Wiltshire-based police investigation to an international scale.

Christer does a great job of fattening out his intrepid characters with comprehensive back stories, while the enigmatic nature of the robed and astronomically-monikered Followers allows for many a shock twist in exposing the true identities of the stone worshippers. However, I couldn’t help but feel like the earth-shattering revelations surrounding the sacred (curative?) landmark we were promised (“It is time for the truth” so teases the tagline) took a back seat to the climatic escape scenario, and DI Baker’s significance to the far-too-swiftly-resolved conclusion severely lessened once Gideon acquiesces to a rather dangerous invitation.


In a CR@B Shell: A fine and fast-paced debut, The Stonehenge Legacy is an appealing modern addition to the abundant post-Brown conspiracy thriller genre, if somewhat less of an eye-opening revelation than expected come the rather blunt crime-focused culmination.
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Blu-ray Nasty

Blu Review: THE EVIL DEAD
18 – 87mins – 1981
Written by: Sami Raimi
Directed by: Sam Raimi
Starring: Bruce Campbell, Ellen Sandweiss, Betsy Baker, Hal Delrich, Theresa Tilly
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I have been on something of a horror movie binge of late. Given the time of year, it is somewhat apt that I should be viewing as many schlocky scare-fests as possible. But as easy as it would seem to splash around the claret and the prosthetic limbs and proclaim “THIS IS THE SCARIEST FILM OF ALL TIME!!!”, many modern genre flicks just come across as humorous rather than horrific. Sometimes, dear Hollywood, less is more.

One classic example where this adage is definitely not the case, however, is Sam Raimi’s seminal video nasty The Evil Dead. Approaching 30 years old, the restored and remastered recent Blu-ray release (out just in time for October 31st – coincidence much?!) gave me a perfect excuse to finally check out this iconic landmark in extreme X-rated entertainment.

And please indulge me with this outpouring prior to the review proper, but ohmygoodgod what a furious, fun and freaky thrill ride this monster of a movie is! Why did it take me 26 years to finally watch this? How had I not sought this out sooner? How quickly can I get hold of Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness?!

Admittedly the film’s plot, by today’s jaded standards, sounds rather corny and contrived: a group of college students head to a mountain retreat for a weekend of sex, drugs and rollicking laughter, only to inadvertently unleash hell on earth when they discover the flesh-lined Book of the Dead and listen to the recorded research tapes they find in the isolated cabin’s cellar; freeing a horde of supernatural beasts by replaying the demonic incantations therein.
It really is the simplest of set-ups, but from the moment cynical sketcher Cheryl (Sandweiss) is lured into the forest and brutally raped by the trees (yep, you read that correctly), you know you’re in for an insanely intense and shamelessly excessive hour and a half. The five students – bar Bruce Campbell’s cult-hero everyman Ash – are one-by-one possessed by the so-called Kandarian demons and go on psychotic rampages in an attempt to spook then infest their mortal pals.

Just when you think you’ve seen enough maniacal madcappery to last you a month of Halloween’s, Sam Raimi takes things a step (or stone staircase) further – from obliterated bodies still quivering on the floor to eye gouging, beheading, fire poker impaling and hands being chewed from their arms – but all with a wickedly black sense of humour. I found myself roaring with laughter just as often as I was wincing at the frenzied imagery.

The otherworldly make-up is as outrageously cheesy and unsubtle as the action, with the possessed “deadites” looking like face-painted kids after a birthday party food fight, and a stop-motion climax does expose the film’s age in these overtly smooth high definition times, but the attention to detail and Raimi’s budget-restricted dedication to throw everything and the cellar’s film projector at the audience is simply inspirational and must be marvelled at to be believed.

The Evil Dead is certainly not for the easily scared, queasy or offended (I did mention the tree rape, right…?), but against your better judgement you’ll find yourself utterly engrossed in the vile chaos, if only to find out how far they’ll take things next. As Raimi’s first feature film, this is an amazingly proficient accomplishment with the auteur maintaining a persist level of tension and showing off a slew of effective directorial techniques (particularly the P.O.V. presence of the roaming spirits). And to think, the best is yet to come (and no, I don’t mean Spiderman 3…).


In a CR@B Shell: Sure, some of the effects have dated, but even in 2010 The Evil Dead still can’t be beaten as a rip-roaring, gross-out hullabalooza. Relentless frights and frivolity juxtapose wildly in this absurd controversy-touter which really must be seen to be believed.
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The Price of the Night

Blu Review: NEAR DARK
18 – 94mins – 1987
Written by: Eric Red and Kathryn Bigelow
Directed by: Kathryn Bigelow
Starring: Adrian Pasdar, Jenny Wright, Lance Hendriksen, Bill Paxton, Jenette Goldstein, Joshua Miller, Tim Thomerson, Marcie Leeds
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No disfigured foreheads, no beady feral eyes, no skin-piercing fangs, and – of note – not a single mention of the term “vampire”, but the ragtag gang of ageless outlaws at the centre of this scandalously underrated 80's horror-western are bloodsucking, neck-biting creatures of the night in all but name.

Released in the shadow of the more financially successful fellow cult vamp flick, The Lost Boys (1987), Near Dark tells the story of cowboy Caleb (Adrian Pasdar), who one lazy summer night becomes infatuated with the enchantingly mysterious out-of-towner Mae (Jenny Wright), who leaves him before daylight with one helluva hickey and a steadily-worsening sickness. Before he can stumble home, Caleb is kidnapped by Mae's drifter 'family' – comprising father-figure Jesse (Lance Hendriksen), his woman Diamondback (Jenette Goldstein), cruel bastard Severen (Bill Paxton) and aged 'kid' Homer* (Joshua Miller) – who bungle him into their camper van and reluctantly teach him how to survive in his reborn state. Meanwhile, Caleb's father, Loy (Tim Thomerson), and sister, Sarah (Marcie Leeds), set off across Texas to track down their missing kin – but which family will Caleb stay loyal to?

Two decades before she became the first female to win the “Best Director” Oscar for The Hurt Locker (2008), Near Dark was a very early gig for co-writer and director Kathryn Bigelow, but this is not to say it is a lesser work of an off-peak auteur. The film's simple, linear story is enriched with lush, reflective visuals and a brooding atmosphere. It's a first class product which delivers from the allusive opening mosquito bite to the taut and explosive final twilight showdown. Ye-haw!

When violence and gore are used, they are used brutally and they shock: skin chars, spurs slit and knives enter mouths. The set piece in which the beastly pack gatecrash a backwater bar is an unnerving and, frankly, uncomfortable watch as the unwelcome guests terrorise the petrified clientèle for sheer kicks. Their detachment to the savagery they inflict is chilling; Jesse smirks bemusedly while Homer sings along to the Jukebox! Fundamentally, they are bored, and I believe this intrinsic attitude is what gives the film its slow-burn pace: these immortals are in no rush because they have forever to play the fool and drink deep from the neck of life's hedonistic sins. Provided it's after dark.


CR@B Verdict: Lean on story but dripping with atmosphere, Near Dark is a savage, slow-burn vampire horror with an injection of romance - but Twilight this most certainly ain't. Gritty, terrifying and nightmarish; a deserved cult classic.
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* Homer's obsession with “owning” Caleb's little sister in the final third of the film is questionable and disturbing: Homer is an old man trapped in the youthful body he died in.