Woof Justice

Book Review: THE SEARCH
Written by: Nora Roberts
Published by: Piatkus, 2010
521pages
www.nora-roberts.co.uk
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[SPOILERS] I envy Nora Roberts. That may seem like a peculiar claim – she's over twice my age, of the opposite sex (obviously) and lives half the world away – but let me explain: Whilst some of us creative writers hope and dream that one day we will be able to call ourselves published authors, this prolific American romance/thriller novelist has just chalked up success story #209 (yes, that’s two hundred and nine published novels to date!!) – and she only started writing because she was bored and housebound with her two children in a blizzard! Where does the unstoppable 61 year old keep finding the inspiration?!

Published in hardback last summer and now seeing a UK paperback release, The Search is a chunky 500+ page read. The effusive and intricate knowledge of dog training and Search and Rescue units which weigh down this story of murder, survival, sex and romance give the impression that it’s a heavily researched work which demanded the author’s complete attention for a considerable period of time. While undoubtedly it did, at least for a spell, it’s astonishing to learn that it was one of five novels Roberts published in 2010 alone.

Same Time, Next Year

Cine Review: ONE DAY
12A – 107mins – 2011
Screenplay by: David Nicholls
Adapted from his 2009 novel of the same name
Directed by: Lone Scherfig
Starring: Anne Hathaway, Jim Sturgess, Romola Garai, Rafe Spall, Ken Stott, Patricia Clarkson, Jodie Whittaker, Jamie Sives, Georgina King, Matt Berry, Matthew Beard
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Oxford students Emma (Anne Hathaway) and Dexter (Jim Sturgess) meet – and very nearly have a one night stand – on the night of their university graduation in 1988. Emma is a quiet but sincere Yorkshire lass whilst Dexter is an ostentatious cad with an eye for the fairer sex, and yet, against all odds, a lifelong friendship is formed on that July night, one which we revisit on the same date every year for the next two decades.

As the years roll by, fashions change, fortunes deviate, jobs, lovers and acquaintances come and go, but Emma and Dex endeavour to remain in contact. Alas, sometimes life gets in the way of even the strongest bonds, and we come to fill in the gaps of the tumultuous, tragic and touching rollercoaster that is their “will they/won’t they?” relationship by way of our snapshot glimpses into these growing – but not necessarily maturing – young adults.

The fact that Danish director Lone An Education Scherfig begins her filmic conversion of David Nicholl’s bestselling novel with a seemingly innocuous bike ride in 2006 before spooling back to the catalytic first encounter, clues us in to the palpable significance of this year, so we are consciously counting down until its return with a pervading sense of expectant foreboding. Of course, if you’ve read the book you’re already prepared, but the on-screen impact is still heart-wrenching to behold.

Much criticism has been flung at Hathaway for her attempt at a northern accent, and while it does vary in its strength – occasionally even making her sound like she is imitating an upper class stereotype – it was never so inexcusably painful as to distract from the engaging love story unravelling before us. Jim Sturgess, who I had little prior awareness of, was a revelation as Dexter, a man who has a brush with small-time fame before dive-bombing into the depths of despair.


In a CR@B Shell: As a sharply-focused but far-reaching character-driven drama, One Day’s potency lies in its full-bodied and relatable individual arcs. David Nicholls incorporates the full spectrum of life, love and loss into a compassionate and authentic romance which gives you faith in love conquering all even when time pulls you in divergent directions.
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Embrace the Suck

Blu Review: BEASTLY
12 – 87mins – 2011
Screenplay by: Daniel Barnz
Based on the novel by: Alex Fynn
Directed by: Daniel Barnz
Starring: Vanessa Hudgens, Alex Pettyfer, Mary Kate Olsen, Neil Patrick Harris, Lisa Gay Hamilton, Peter Krause, Dakota Johnson, Erik Knudson
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An adaptation of a retelling of an animation of a classic tale, or – to put it simply – Beauty and the Beast Y2K. Loosely based on Alex Fynn's 2007 novel of the same name, Daniel Barnz's Beastly retains the immortal “beauty isn't skin deep” message – and recurring rose motif – from its renowned fairytale inspiration, but trades enchanted castles for modern day NYC, a sing-song soundtrack for Lady GaGa choons, fur and fangs for tattoos and scars, and peppers the whole affair in excruciating faddish slang such as “hatchet-face”, “a-holien”, “lame core” and “wonk”. Needless to say, this version won't still be enamoured by millions in years to come. But look out for it in the bargain bin in a couple of months.

“People like people who look good. Everyone who disagrees is either dumb or ugly.”

That's Kyle Kingson's (I Am Number Four's Pettyfer) mantra. Spoiled, shallow, spiteful, vain and arrogant, he's nevertheless “king” of Buckston Academy High School and always gets his way. Because his dad (Six Feet Under's Krause) is a rich and famous news anchor and Kyle is easy on the eye - but not for long.... After being humiliated by the rude jerk for the last time, gothic witch and fellow student Kendra (Olsen) casts a spell on Kyle which makes him as ugly on the outside as he is within. To break the curse, the freaky new-look Kyle must get a girl to love the beauty in the beast within one year, or look like a monster for the rest of his life.

That's not exactly the easiest ask when you “look like a victim in a slasher flick” and your equally superficial dad (like father, like son) pulls you out of school (“Rehab”) and hides you away from the world in an out-of-town prison– sorry, apartment, with only an ever-loyal maid (Hamilton) and a blind tutor (How I Met Your Mother's Harris) for company. Lonely, ashamed and depressed, Kyle sets his sights on former classmate Lindy (Sucker Punch's Hudgens), but he can't face confronting her for fear his aberrant appearance will scare her away.

On a self-pitying late night stroll through the city (hood up, face down), Kyle comes to the rescue when Lindy's addict father (LaFortune) is confronted by his debt collecting dealers. Unable to stop the troubled man from shooting one of the drug peddlers, Kyle blackmails him into agreeing to let his daughter stay in Kyle's secret hideaway to keep her veiled from the vengeful dealer who got away. But, of course, Kyle has another reason for wanting Lindy to be close to him, even if she isn't initially too happy about being sold to a "stranger".

The blossoming romance between beauty and the beast is sweet enough, if a little rushed (the seasons fly by with only leaves falling from the trees as an indication that time is passing), but Hudgens is too attractive for the role of Lindy, whose literary alter-ego has red hair and crooked teeth but is, you've guessed it, beautiful on the inside. Truth be told, Hudgens, is far cuter than Kyle's fair-weather ice queen girlfriend (Johnson), which contradicts the film's message and makes you wonder why he ignored her for so long before his transformation.

Deformed though he may be, Pettyfer isn't totally unrecognisable under his ink and prosthetics, yet we are meant to believe that even when Lindy sees “Hunter” (as Kyle takes to calling himself post-curse) she never questions his resemblance to the popular hunk from school who, coincidentally, has been absent for some months. It irks (akin to how nobody realises that Clark Kent without glasses is Superman), as does the insensitive way in which Lindy comes to stay in Kyle's apartment, but neither issue was as detrimental to my enjoyment as Beastly's continual attempts to be hip, happenin' and appealing to the teens of today. As I touched on above, the abbreviated lingo verges on incomprehensible at times (particularly in the first twenty or so minutes) while the contemporary soundtrack just feels shamelessly contrived and intrusive. Now that's lame core.

We all know the story, so we all know how Beastly ends: Happily ever after, of course, but the upcoming DVD and Blu-ray release (due in the UK on August 29th) includes a rather lengthy alternative ending which sticks much closer to Fynn's novel. My initial reaction was that I preferred it to Barnz's re-written conclusion, however I soon realised that it over-complicated the plot by bringing back one too many elements from earlier in the film at a time when the story needed clarity, not confusion.


In a CR@B Shell: A timeless love story is buried beneath a trendy try-hard surface; how ironic for a film about looking beyond the surface. Unfortunately, unlike Lindy I just couldn't get beyond Beastly's aesthetic flaws, and despite warming to certain elements I ultimately didn't fall in love with Daniel Barnz's youth-targeted refurb. Call me shallow if you must – but please don't curse me!
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Magic Soon to be Set Free

Despite being available on UK shores in paperback format since last year, the long awaited soft-bound release of young-adult fantasy author Jaclyn Dolamore's debut novel, Magic Under Glass, is set for US release by Bloomsbury on May 24th 2011 - that's just three weeks away!

As a bonus incentive for her American audience, this new edition will also feature a sneek peak at Ms. Dolamore's sophomore work of fantasy fiction, Between the Sea and Sky, which is due to be published internationally this October. Mermaids, magic and a race of winged humanoids? I'll certainly be checking that out!

Click THIS LINK to read my review of Magic Under Glass, which I posted as part of a trio of taut critiques waaaay back in January (can you believe that was five months ago?!).

US readers, click THIS LINK to reach the Magic Under Glass Amazon.com page to order your copy of the impending paperback release now!

Bestial Desire

Cine Review: RED RIDING HOOD
12A – 100mins – 2011
Written by: David Johnson
Directed by: Catherine Hardwicke
Starring: Amanda Seyfried, Gary Oldman, Shiloh Fernandez, Max Irons, Billy Burke, Lukas Haas, Virginia Madsen, Cole Heppell, Julie Christie
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My, Catherine, what a big Hollywood budget you have! All the better to lure in the lycanthrope-hungry Twi-hards and hoodwink the hardcore horror hounds, my dear. That, in essence, is Ms. Hardwicke’s Red Riding Hood; a fairytale reimagining of the flesh-hungry wolf which purports a dark, gothic edge but favours a 12A rating, enchanting snow-steeped medieval beauty and a tediously predictable love triangle instead. Sound familiar? Well, they certainly found the right director then!

Mamma Mia’s Seyfried brings a steely twenty-first century ‘tude to the innocent “’Lil Red” (known here as Valerie), whose village – located on the edge of a menacing forest – has long made animal sacrifices to placate the hunger of a deadly werewolf. That is until Valerie’s sister is slaughtered by the beast under the blood moon and the incensed men of the village set out to slay the swine before famed werewolf hunter Father Soloman (Oldman) arrives to clean up the corpses.

Meanwhile, Valerie is torn between the loves she bares for her lifelong soul mate, the lowly woodcutter Peter (Fernandez), and the wealthy-but-plain iron-forger Henry (Irons), whom it has been arranged she will marry. Well, I say “torn”, but there is absolutely no question as to who Valerie favours, as she sneaks off to the barn for a bit of carnal copping with the dashing lad her family disapproves of. A bit like Edward vs. Jacob in that respect, then?

It’s a shame there wasn’t more depth or dynamic to the romance, as aside from one being blonde and the other brunette, there is actually little in the way of characterisation to separate the male suitors. The film's real mystery is who the werewolf is in human form, with Soloman declaring it must be one of the villagers and Valerie's suspicions falling on everyone from Peter to the village idiot (Heppell), via her own Grandma (Christie), with her big brown eyes and isolated existence living alone deep in the woods. The ambiguity certainly kept me guessing to the very end, and the motives for the wolfman’s kills were neatly explained.

On the downside, I was less than impressed by Brian Reitzell's generic and uninvolving musical score (which usually compliments the atmosphere in brooding, fantastical fare such as this) and I howled with laughter as soon as Valerie communicated with the English-speaking wolf (think Eragon with fur, there’s mercifully no lip movement). But Red Riding Hood’s biggest crime – like its lacklustre rival male leads – is its lack of bite. David Johnson's script required more depth, more darkness and less pensive pawing at the roots of this potentially ferocious folktale. Oh, and more Gary Oldman wouldn't have gone amiss, either.


In a CR@B Shell: Not as toothless as critics would have you believe, but just too fanciful to carve a lasting impression. More ferocity and a less chimeric gloss would have transformed Red Riding Hood's whimpers into snarls and left more than the Twilight tweens afraid of this big, bad(ly CGI-ed) wolf.
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Pottery Bard

Cine Review: GNOMEO & JULIET IN 3D
U – 84mins – 2011
Based on the original play by: William Shakespeare
Based on an original screenplay by: John R. Smith, Rob Sprackling
Screenplay by: Kelly Ashbury, Mark Burton, Kevin Cecil, Emily Cook, Kathy Greenberg, Andy Riley, Steve Hamilton Shaw
Directed by: Kelly Ashbury
Starring the voice talents of:James McAvoy, Emily Blunt, Ashley Jensen, Michael Caine, Matt Lucas, Jim Cummings, Maggie Smith, Jason Statham, Ozzy Ozbourne, Stephen Merchant, Patrick Stewart, Hulk Hogan, Richard Wilson, Dolly Parton
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The works of William Shakespeare have been recited, reimagined and repackaged incalculable times over the last 400 years, but I don't imagine anyone (who wasn't high as a kite) has ever thought it would be a legitimately prudent idea to retell the Bard's most celebrated tragic love story using garishly decorated garden ornaments! Well, they should have done, because Gnomeo & Juliet overcomes its pun-based premise to deliver a garden shed's worth of cheeky giggles and scholarly in-jokes. And y'all thought it was going to be a disaster!

Think Arthur and the Invisibles meets Toy Story and you're on the right track, as sentient gnomes from rival Stratford-upon-Avon back gardens – numbers 2B and NOT 2B (oh, where's the strike-through option when you need it?!) Verona Drive – feud over their different coloured headgear. But when blue-hatted Gnomeo (McAvoy) and red-hatted Juliet (Blunt) inadvertently fall head over fishing rods for one another, can their doomed love survive covert graffiti sabotage and high-speed lawnmower races?

It sounds as corny as a flying pig-shaped weather vane, doesn't it? I will admit that I rolled my eyes at the line “Let's kick some grass!” in the trailer, but rest assured that the army of writers (I count nine – and that's not including Bill Shakespeare as the inspiration behind this quasi-related retelling) raise their game far higher over the course of the animated escapades. Okay, so first and foremost it is a tragedy-averting kid's flick (Jensen's talking frog and Cumming's exotic flamingo being the most obvious panderers to the young demographic), but I was genuinely amused throughout, as the film's tongue stays firmly within its porcelain cheek.

The characters are cute, the set-up is audacious, the referential in-jokes are frequent (and dive into the Bard's plentiful canon – look out for Tempest Teapots and Rosencrans and Guildenstern Movers), but most importantly of all: the casting is impeccable. Parents will have a blast putting names to voices, particularly when Patrick Stewart pipes up in a cameo as a Shakespeare-shaped park monument ridiculing the notion that the age-old love story could possibly end any other way than tragically. Clearly he didn't see that this was a “U”...


In a CR@B Shell: Bright, camp and not afraid to take an acre's worth of liberties, but Gnomeo & Juliet is a surprisingly hilarious Brit-flavoured CGI comedy which will have you "cracking" up, provided you aren't expecting the RSC...
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Country Strife

Cine Review: TAMARA DREWE
15 – 111mins – 2010
Screenplay by: Moira Buffini
Based on the graphic novel by: Posy Simmonds
Directed by: Stephen Frears
Starring: Gemma Arterton, Roger Allum, Bill Camp, Dominic Cooper, Luke Evans, Tamsin Greig, Jessica Barden, Charlotte Christie, Josie Taylor
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[SPOILERS] I was utterly beguiled by the bright and frolicsome trailer for Stephen The Queen Frears’s film adaptation of Posy Simmonds’s country-set graphic novel. I wasn’t previously aware of the comic strip adventures of Tamara Drewe, but the theatrical trailer made it look like a light-hearted and wry dig at the rural middle classes. Plenty of teasing pokes at animal-mad, shotgun-carrying farmers who have no idea what a Prius is, then, I thought.

Bridget Jones in the country and The Archers with added sauce were two critical comparisons which filled me with hope for this British romantic comedy. Many-a-glowing 4 star review didn’t hurt, either, nor did the chance to see cutie Gemma Arteton squeeze into those denim hotpants… ahem.

Oh boy was I mistaken. No, not about the hotpants; indeed I cannot fault Ms. Arteton’s spunky performance as the eponymous music journalist who returns to her childhood homestead to prep the property for sale, ruffling many a local feather in the process. Alas, all of my other – more highbrow – expectations for Tamara Drewe were quickly quashed under a stampede of petrified cattle.

Firstly, I found it to be a thoroughly shallow film. Miss Drewe returns to idyllic rural Devon with a new nose. No, not a new nose, she points out, but a hulk of cartilage lighter nevertheless. A spattering of torid split-screen flashbacks reveal her once humungous honk – to little comedic effect – while all the men go wobbly at the knee for the grown-up city fittie.

Despite this universal admiration, Tamara swiftly finds herself in a futile engagement to indie drummer Ben Sergeant (Dominic Cooper), a hideously egotistical and offensive tosser with a short fuse who is anything but the marrying kind – but, hey, who cares about all that personality bollocks when he’s a big star?!

Secondly, the film was let down by a raft – nay, an ocean-liner – of horrifically unpleasant characters. Everyone is either a morally bankrupt bed-hopper, a foul-mouthed, uncouth twat or a spineless wimp. Crime novelist Nicolas Hardiment (Roger Allum) is continually cheating on his loyal housewife, Beth (Tamsin Greig), for no good reason except “because you let me”, then expects instant forgiveness from his weak-willed spouse, who all too often accepts...

Yep, even the “good” guys we’re meant to identify with are flecked with flaws here. Take genuine farm-boy and Tamara’s former fling, Alan Cobb (Luke Evans): he secretly still fancies her, but is so crippled by self-deprecation that he sulks in the background moaning about how hard to has to work, “making do” by using the local barmaid (Josie Taylor) to fill his wellington boots, then instantly forgets sluttish Tamara’s rampant indiscretions the second she cries on his shoulder! This is meant to be romantic?!!

Bored schoolgirls Jody (Jessica Barden) and Casey (Charlotte Christie) quickly cross the line from cheeky delinquents to lawbreaking criminals – all in the name of obsession – while even tame Thomas Hardy analyst Glen McCreavy (Bill Camp), staying at the Hardiment’s writer’s retreat, scuppers any chance of audience sympathy when he scarpers the minute the shit hits the fan in a wholly disagreeable and bloody cow-pat of a climax.

For all its “ironic” and “satiric” intent, I found the storyline to be far too dark and, quite frankly, depressing to be enjoyable: twee Devonshire landscapes - and Gemma Arteton - aside, Tamara Drewe doesn’t paint a very attractive picture of the English countryside - or its untrustworthy dwellers - at all.


In a CR@B Shell: Shedding its quaint country charm for a deluge of sinister, shallow and sleazy shenanigans, Tamara Drewe is an undignified crime of a “romantic comedy” which left my nose out of joint.
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Drunken Donation

Cine Review EXCLUSIVE: THE SWITCH
12A – 101mins – 2010
Written by: Allan Loeb
Based on the short story “Baster” by: Jeffrey Eugenidas
Directed by: Will Speck and Josh Gordon
Starring: Jennifer Aniston, Jason Bateman, Patrick Wilson, Juliette Lewis, Jeff Goldblum, Thomas Robinson
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Not usually the kind of film I would dash to see on the big screen, but a friend of mine bagged two tickets to a preview screening of The Switch last weekend, and with Total Film and Empire both yet to publish their reviews, I couldn't pass up a CR@B Shack exclusive (or a free VIP cinema ticket).

From the producers of Juno and Little Miss Sunshine and the directing duo behind Blades of Glory, it's no surprise that the promoters took the indie route when hyping up this comedy-drama on artificial insemination (working title The Baster). But fear not all ye prudes, this is no crude, sex-juice-centric, low brow gag-athon, but a more mature and gently charming “dramedy” on the values of friendship and grabbing life with both hands. Pardon the pun.

Jennifer Aniston plays 40-something New York singleton Kassie Larson, who makes the rather modern decision that she doesn't need a man to have a child – just a turkey baster full of sperm from a willing donor. Girl Power! However, her neurotic and risk-adverse former flame turned “BFF” – yes, they actually use that term in the film – Wally Mars (Jason Bateman) is less impressed with her self-sufficient decision, and drunkenly decides to swap the donor's white stuff for his own. As you do.

Seven repressed years later, and following a spell in Minnesota, single mother Kassie moves back to the Big Apple with the apple of her eye, son Sebastian (Thomas Robinson), who quickly strikes up a report with Wally, forcing the responsibility shy adult to face up to the truth of his ill advised secret donation – but how can he break the life-changing news to Kassie?

The outcome is painfully obvious from the very beginning, but it is the performances which elevate The Switch above rom-com mundanity. Aniston plays Aniston, while Jason Bateman is as likeable as ever as erratic, sweater-wearing Wally, who makes the biggest emotional journey. Juliette Lewis and Jeff “Ian Malcolm!!” Goldblum both sparkle as the respective lead's peppy friends, while Patrick Wilson plays supposed donor Roland as smug, without being stereotypically deplorable.

The real star of the show, however, is little Thomas Robinson. Frail yet eccentrically independent (he collects picture frames but prefers to leave the stock photo on display), parents everywhere will find it hard to resist Sebastian's wide-eyed cuteness and delicate nature.


CR@B Verdict: A predictably routine rom-com plot is fertilized with a trendy 21st century concept(ion) and some charming performances. The Switch is hardly a cinematic breakthrough, but it's not a total baste of time.
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Fangs, Fur & Pheromones

Cine-review: THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE
12A – 123mins – 2010
Screenplay by: Melissa Rosenberg
Based on the 2007 novel by: Stephanie Meyer
Directed by: David Slade
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Bryce Dallas Howard, Xavier Samuel, Billy Burke, Ashley Greene, Peter Facinelli, Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Jackson Rathbone, Dakota Fanning, Sarah Clarke
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I have read a number of reviews for this third silver screen adaptation of Stephanie Meyer’s bazillion-selling Twilight saga. A lot of people – or their girlfriend’s – have opinions on it, natch. Every single one of these critical appraisals has cited Eclipse as far and away the best film of the series (so far). By no means a faultless or perfect movie, but far more accomplished than its two plodding predecessors (both of which, tellingly, had different directors). Having now watched David 30 Days of Night Slade’s vision of the teen vamp/werewolf romance, I am going to say something controversial. Brace yourselves, Twi-hards… I actually preferred Twilight (2008) and New Moon (2009). There, I said it.

No, before you ask: I have not read any of the books in the series. I have been told that I will appreciate the nuances of the films more once I have (and hopefully a myriad of questions - like why the hell the vampires seem to be made of crystal and “crack” when they are killed? - will be answered), but I refuse to believe it is a necessity; the films should stand up on their own, rather than as flashy and expensive advertisements for their prose counterparts. Besides, this isn't The Da Vinci Code we’re talking about, where countless passages of vital canonical research and Art History back story are edited out or crammed into a split-second of film in order to preserve a humane runtime; this is a teenage fantasy with vampires and werewolves.

The plot, for the unacquainted minority such as I, follows on directly from that which was set up in the previous instalments: Avenging the death of her pack mate (as visualised in Twilight), red-headed vampire Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard, an almost imperceptible replacement for Rachelle Laferve) is in Seattle, raising an undead army of ferocious newborns to kill American High School-er Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) and break the heart of her vampire lover, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson). The Cullen clan begrudgingly agree to a temporary alliance with their lycanthropic enemies in order to take down Victoria and destroy her newborn army, lead by murdered Riley Biers (Xavier Samuel), while Edward and Bella hide out. In the mountains. In a snowstorm. In a tent.

Intertwined with the conflict and action is the saga’s staple serving of romance and melodrama, as Bella is convinced she wants to be turned into a vampire to live her (after)life with Edward – yet she is unsure if, at 18 years-old, she is quite ready to marry him yet!! This may have something to do with her overprotective policeman father, Charlie (Billy Burke), who is, understandably, none-too-keen on the union, or it may have something to do with her best friend – the shirt-phobic, night-howler Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) – who admits he too is head-over-paws in love with our everywoman protagonist. Fangs or fur? Decisions, decision, Miss Swan…

While David Slade does an adequate job with the threequel’s larger scale and more intense battle sequences (even if the CGI werewolves still don’t quite convince – and what is with them “popping” in and out of lupine form?), it is in the quieter, soppier moments that Eclipse repelled me. Yes, I know I’m neither the key demographic or gender, but I didn’t squirm this much in Twilight or New Moon. Perhaps it is the darting from dark tension to light yearning; from fighting to fawning; from Seattle to Forks; which frequently jolted me out of my engagement with the film? Furthermore, I found the scenes with Bella and Edward laying loved-up in a meadow musing on love, sex and marriage to be excruciatingly awkward (akin to many of the criticisms levelled at Christenson and Portman in Attack of the Clones), which is doubly unexcusable given the star’s real life relationship.

Actors who did impress me were Ashley Greene as clairvoyant Cullen, Alice, and Jackson Rathbone as her "blood brother” and head battle trainer Jasper. Both actors bring the requisite peculiarity to their vampiric characters, both physically and in their off-kilter delivery, even if they are sidelined far too often in lieu of the star trio. Eclipsed (ho ho!) also are the Volturi, the powerful, age-old sect of vampires who lose any menace they accrued in New Moon by spending the entire film waiting in the wings. Guided by Dakota Fanning’s vacant Jane, they come across as a coven of self-important kids, only entering the climatic battle after it is over. How noble…

Finally, a tributary story fleshing out Rosalie Hale’s (Nikki Reed) tragic death and transformation via a mournful monologue and montage seemed a redundant attempt to darken the teen love story with a controversially edgy adult tone (Rosalie was raped and killed by her drunken fiancé), merely to provide leverage to the outstandingly obvious: that Bella is making a huuuuuge mistake by wanting to sacrifice her heartbeat for an eternity with Edward. And no, before you ask: that doesn’t mean I’m siding with “Team Jacob”, either…


CR@B Verdict: David Slade doesn’t alter much to the Twilight formula in bringing the third novel to the big screen. More epic in scale but more flitting in plot, Eclipse left me shaken but unstirred by its battles of the body and heart.
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(Meat) Swords and Scandals

DVD Review: VIRGIN TERRITORY
15 – 93mins – 2007
Written by: David Leland
Directed by: David Leland
Starring: Hayden Christensen, Mischa Barton, Tim Roth, Matthew Rhys, Rupert Friend
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Despite a $40 million budget, a handful of semi-decent sword fights, some stunning Italian countryside backdrops and a fairly well known (if hardly credible) up-and-coming cast, it isn’t difficult to deduce why David Leland’s Virgin Territory was deprived of a theatrical run and quietly sneaked out direct-to-DVD instead; it’s an uncomfortable mess of a movie which throws a lot of two dimensional characters and relationships at the audience, then grows bored of the set-up and finds ever-more implausible excuses to get the girls to disrobe in the hope we’ll forget just how terrible all the other aspects of the script are.

Well, I haven’t. Which is unfortunate for David Leland (as he's about to receive one helluva bad write up), but even more unfortunate for me because I am now scarred with the memory of just how close I came – on multiple occasions – to turning this appalling tat off. None more so than while watching two prick-teasing milkmaids bring a cow to milk over the faces of two up-for-it Florentines… Seriously, that wasn't innuendo. Virgin Territory is no romantic period drama; it's more comparable to one of the latter American Pie sequels mixed with groan-inducing Carry On... style “humour” (and I use that term loosely) – in the 14th century.

Narrated by angel-arse-painter-masquerading-as-a-priest Alessandro Felice (Rupert Friend – quirky, inane), the film's sketchy plot concerns the beautiful Princess Pampinea (Mischa The O.C. Barton – expressionless), orphaned after the death of her parents to the plague, and the decision she must make regarding who she should marry: her betrothed suitor from across the seas, Count Dzerzhinsky (Matthew Rhys – flamboyant), rich local baddie old enough to be her father, Gerbino De La Ratta (Tim Roth – slumming it), or handsome and dashing rogue – and, hint hint, MALE LEAD – Lorenzo (Hayden "Anakin Skywalker" Christensen – unemotive)? Hmmmm, I wonder...

Surprisingly, it still takes Pampinea over ninety cringeworthy minutes to make the most obvious decision ever, as she and a band of faceless, randy youngsters make their way across Italy to escape the plague ravishing the city, getting into all manner of farcical, sexual escapades on their travels. As you do. Lorenzo falls out of a tree and pretends to be death and mute (!) so that a local monastery will hire him as their gardener and he can have his way with the sex-starved nuns; laddish Ghino (Ryan Cartwright) is so obsessed with losing his virginity he dreams of angelic winged phallus's while he sleep-humps air; feisty redhead Filomena (Rossalindel Halstead) escapes from becoming a sex slave to a travelling circus by making the men drop their trousers and pegging it when they fight over which size-order they should sleep with her in... *sigh* At one point there is even a misplaced cameo from David Walliam's peddling his Lou from Little Britain schtick... It really speaks volumes that this was high brow comedy compared to the puerile depths Virgin Territory waded at, mainly because it provided two minutes when the sorry excuse for a script wasn't obsessed with talking about or depicting sex...

Christensen and Barton have zero on-screen chemistry, Tim Roth looks embarrassed by the dreck he is forced to read and only Matthew Rhys arrives at the end credits with a modicum of pride intact, delivering his over-the-top lines with gusto. The plot is rambling but inconsequential, with players making the most ludicrously uncharacteristic decisions just to force a risque scenario. At one point, beauty Elissa (Kate Groombridge) turns up randomly in a lake, just so she can be seen naked and meet a passing Dzerzhinsky and *gasp* fall in love with Pampinea's cast off. Well, there couldn't possibly be two minor characters left out of the happy-ever-after conclusion... Shakespeare this ain't. Hell, this even falls short of capturing a pinch of the fun or charm of 80s cult The Princess Bride, which David Leland is clearly inspiring to imitate. Pity his tongue is more interested in getting into all the damsel's knickers than it is in being in his cheek.


CR@B Verdict: Comedy? Adventure? Drama? Romance? Period piece? Porn? Virgin Territory is a pathetic and embarrassing mess of juxtaposing genres awkwardly shoehorned around a stream of juvenile innuendo and gratuitous nudity. Avoid like the plague.
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